u know what else sucks? pooping

Brown stuff coming out your butt?

What’s up with that?

***

Of course, I’VE never pooped in my life. But some of you have.

You should probably go see a doctor tbh

phoning it in again

So I was in the bathroom at the bus station when an employee banged on the door.

“Hey buddy,” I said. “Do you mind? I’m trying to beat off!”

“Sorry sir,” the employee replied. “But I have a message here from your mother.”

So I opened the door with my pants around my ankles. The message read:

Dear son,

Please don’t come home for Christmas. Your cousin Megan is here and she told me some troubling things about you.

Love,

Your Mom

So I pulled up my pants and went to the front counter.

“Can’t take your ticket back, sir. All sales are final,” the employee said.

I turned around and the janitor was harassing a homeless woman, accusing her of clogging the toilet.

“That was me sir,” I told the janitor. “I blew up the toilet in the women’s bathroom.”

“You have one cursed ass sir,” he replied.

The woman walked up to me. “Thank you for taking the blame,” she said. “I just wish that they’d give me a ticket so I could get out of this godforsaken place.”

I handed her my ticket. “Merry Christmas,” I said. “Today’s your lucky day.”

“Oh, no thank you,” she said. “I don’t want to go to Reno, Nevada.”

playin the hits

“You got ass cancer,” the doctor said.

“How long do I got, doc?”

“It’s not terminal. We can remove the cancer here in my office.”

“What’s the procedure?”

“Just drop your pants and I’ll shove this device up your rectum.”

“You sure it’ll work?”

“Sure it will! I’m a real doctor.”

So I dropped my pants and spread my ass cheeks. Then a man walked in the room.

“Gentlemen, you need to leave,” the man said. “This is an AutoZone.”