Not another Jesus movie

Martin Scorsese has gone on record saying that he’d like to make (another) film about Jesus Christ. I mean, Jesus Christ! How many movies do we need about this guy?

Actually, I don’t have a problem with it. I just wish someone made a movie that questions the Gospel narrative. That’s why I find Scorsese’s other Jesus flick The Last Temptation of Christ to be an interesting (but not great) film.

This is probably the only instance where filmmakers should actually follow real history to provide a dramatic narrative. In filmmaking, or storytelling in general, sometimes it helps to deviate from history to provide a more engaging story. Not that we know a lot about Jesus’s life anyway, but what we DO know about life in first century Judea would provide a fascinating backdrop. If a writer used this knowledge and took creative liberties with the Gospels, they’d have a unique – and violent – story about Jesus of Nazareth.

This is why Paul Verhoeven needs needs to make his Jesus movie while he still can. According to my research (that I will not cite), Verhoeven was the only atheist admitted to the controversial Jesus Seminar back in the day. He’s also written his own biography on Jesus, simply called Jesus of Nazareth. So needless to say, he’s a scholar on the subject.

But Verhoeven is one of the great unsung directors of our time. He’s not afraid of…nay, he INVITES…controversy. And he’s 84 years old. So if Mel Gibson gets to make an unnecessary sequel to his Jesus film, Verhoeven deserves to get his shot.

Rip Tina

What a fuckin legend. Of course she sang what is quietly one of the best James Bond songs in Goldeneye, but in my view, Tina Turner’s finest hour was the music video to the 1984 banger from the epic Private Dancer album: “Better Be Good to Me.”

The song itself is flawless, but not enough credit goes to the music video. You see, back in 1984, artists sort of just did whatever in front of the camera. No one gave a shit. Another good example of this is the infamous music video to Van Halen’s Jump released the same year. For whatever reasons, performers were just too damn distracted to put any effort into their videos.

What I love about Better Be Good to Me though is that the Fixx’s Cy Curnin doesn’t hide the fact that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He wanders on stage inexplicably shoeless, hops around, humps the air, and then outright shrugs towards the end. It was a performance for the ages.

Anyway, Tina Turner will be missed. RIP

Old miss

So I was just minding my own business while loitering in the Publix parking lot when I saw a guy driving a light blue car with an Ole Miss license plate and Ole Miss bumper stickers all over the back. When he stepped out of the car, he was wearing an Ole Miss polo with an Ole Miss hat.

So I stopped the man. “Excuse me, sir, I’m confused,” I said, “where did you go to college?”

He stood there and stared blankly at me. “Ole Miss,” he finally said.

“Ole Miss? Is that a college?”

“Yes. It’s the University of Mississippi.”

“The University of Mississippi you say? Is that in Mississippi?”

“Yes.”

“That’s great! I’m a fan of bulldogs and cowbells too!”

“That’s Mississippi STATE University, sir. I went to the University of Mississippi.”

“You guys don’t have cowbells and bulldogs?”

“No. We’re the Rebels.”

“The Rebels? Like in Star Wars?”

“No.”

“I don’t understand. If it’s not against Darth Vader and the Galactic Empire, I can’t imagine what you’d be rebelling against.”

“It’s rebels from the South during the Civil War.”

“They were rebelling against slavery, right?”

“No.”

“So they were rebelling FOR slavery?”

“Look, it’s just a college mascot.”

“But that’s racist sir. You’re fucked up,” I said while wagging my finger. “You should really be ashamed of yourself…”

Finally the staff called the cops and I’m now banned from Publix for three months. Smh…I can’t believe the nerve of some people. 😔

Things normal ppl do that I will never do

•Play a round of golf

I will never accept golf as a real sport and I will think lesser of a person who plays it.

•Read ‘Catcher in the Rye’

Oh, so you were once an angry young man? Boo fuckin hoo. If I wrote something that appealed to pretentious asshats, I too would withdraw from public life and never put pen to paper again.

•Watch “The Lord of the Rings”

Maybe they’re good movies. But at this point I’m refusing to watch them out of tradition. Plus, fantasy isn’t a real genre.

•Delete an email

I think so little of your email that I won’t bother deleting it. It will just sit there for eternity senselessly taking up digital space.

•Pay for a concert

I have nothing against the performing of live music. I just refuse to pay for it. It doesn’t matter if it’s solo Mike Reno playing “Whenever There’s a Night” nonstop, I ain’t taking out my wallet to see it.

•Visit Disney World

This has nothing to do with Ron DeSantis or the (shithole) State of Florida. I’m an adult.

Whatever

Not quite sure why people are fearing AI so much. It’s art is mostly shit. I mean, take a look at this trash:

Captain Picard ballin out
Dr. Phil playing tennis
James Bond rolling some balls

If you think this crap is gonna put artists out of work then perhaps they deserve it 🤷‍♂️

Editing is bullshit

If I ever write another book, I’m letting…no, MAKING…someone else rewrite and edit it. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that the “real writing” is done in the 2nd and 3rd drafts.

That’s why it’s important to get everything right the first time. I have always had perfect first drafts. But then again I’m probably the second coming of Dean Koontz.

But you though, you probably need to write a 2nd and 3rd draft. Not me. That shit’s for the birds.

More good news

The Detective James Series: Vol. 1 will be available in paperback starting whenever. I’m still editing it so the pricing and all that shit is being worked out.

The only thing that sucks more than writing is the rewriting so this might be my only post for the week.

I’ll keep you updated.

Angels and assholes

Writing fucking sucks.

There’s just too much shit going on and I’ve never wanted to be a productive person. I like the idea of being lazy. But that, ironically, takes work. Between a family, starting a new career, having a book coming out, and managing my crippling gambling addiction, I’m just not feeling it anymore.

In times like these, I like to think back to the time when I was leaving a Halloween party somewhere in San Francisco…dressed as Captain Kirk…and a dude was tripping balls on a street corner. His arms were extended. “I just want to grow here, like a tree,” he proclaimed, “but they won’t let me.”

I wonder what that guy is up to these days.

Jack Hardcock: The Wrath of God (Part VI)

“How many times do I have to explain to you,” Jack stated while blindfolded and strapped to a chair, “I don’t understand the gibberish you are saying. I’m an American. And as an American, it is my goddamn right to only speak English. So you better get to speaking my language or you will be facing the wrath of God which won’t be seen again until the final days.”

Jack heard a loud guffaw then his blindfold was lifted. Before him stood an old, scarred up gentleman covered in tattoos. His teeth were rotted out and his breath reeked of tequila. “I am Jose Altuve and in this country we speak Spanish,” the man said.

Jack looked around and noticed a ragtag gang of Mexican bikers. Then he spat on the ground. “So what do you want from me?” Jack asked, “Are you the cartel?”

Following Jack’s lead, Jose and his gang all spat on the ground. “We are no cartel,” Jose ominously declared.

“Then why the abduction? What do you want with me?”

Jose ordered Jack to be cut free. The old tattered man then opened a bottle of tequila, took a swig and handed it to Jack. “The cartel runs this town,” Jose explained. “They killed my family. They’ve killed everyone I loved. The Federales do nothing! We are ones that stand in their way.”

“Cool story bro,” Jack said, “but what does that have to do with me? I’m in Juárez for one reason and one reason only: to rescue my father from this godforsaken place.”

“I know,” Jose said. Then he picked up an M16 and placed it in Jack’s lap. “We’re going to help you.”

Jack glanced at the weapon and looked back at Jose. “Why?” he asked.

“Because Rod Hardcock was one of us.”

Jack was shocked. “But…but how could that be?” he asked, “my father is a mule! I thought he worked with the cartel!”

Jose laughed. “That’s what he wanted you to believe,” he explained, “he wanted to keep you out of danger. If you believed that he worked with the cartel, Senior Hardcock thought you would stay away from here.”

“My father thought wrong. I can never escape danger. He should have told me this a long time ago!”

Jose popped a magazine into an M16 then placed a Desert Eagle and a Bowie knife under his belt. “Thank the Heavenly Father for sending you here,” he said, “because we’re hitting the cartel tonight. You’re one of us.”

Jack took a big gulp from the tequila bottle and picked up an M16. “Hand me my .38,” he ordered, “and do you guys have AKs? These things are pieces of shit.”

TO BE CONTINUED…