Fake news

Apparently the image I posted above is FALSE according to the great minds of Facebook and Instagram smh

Allegedly, the couple isn’t fucking. They’re “faith healing”.

Since I’ve been firing blanks for the last 50 years, I was curious if this method of conception actually worked. But Facebook and Instagram are too afraid of me asking questions.

I guess freedom of speech is under attack folks. There’s no other way of putting it.

“😭😭😭it’s false information!!!! 😭😭😭” you might say.

There’s no such thing!

Everything you read should be treated as TRUTH until proven otherwise. ESPECIALLY on the internet!!!

THAT’S how free speech works! And I’m DAMN sure not gonna let Mark Zuckerberg, who definitely fact checked this personally, tell me what is FALSE…especially on a platform that I interact with by choice!!!

😡😡😡

cleeveland “browns”

https://www.beaconjournal.com/story/news/2022/06/22/deshaun-watson-suspension-amid-new-lawsuits-cleveland-browns/9676780002/

Cleveland, OH…

Cleveland Browns…

The joke writes itself.

But who the fuck hires a defense attorney named RUSTY HARDIN? When you hire a guy like that, Deshaun Watson might as well wear a sign that says “I’m guilty AF but there’s nothing you can do about it.”

A lawyer like that comes stumbles drunk into a courtroom talkin like Foghorn Leghorn, then says something like “your honor, there is nothing constitutionally prohibiting my client from masturbating his exposed penis on a public bus! Where does the madness end?!!”

This is absolutely tragic.

ok boomer

I can’t wait to be old. Not because I get to be an old bastard, but because I’ll be one step closer to death.

But I can see what it will be like.

Younger generations will be bitching about nuclear radiation, rising sea levels, unreal wealth inequality, the re-institution of debt prisons and chattel slavery, and our government’s inability to prevent asteroids from pummeling the Earth. Meanwhile, I’ll be wagging my finger, saying, “back in my day, we had to submit 9000 applications before we got an interview.”

This is why Gen X is the best generation: born too late to be held accountable, born too early to give a shit 👍

put me out of my misery

Alright, this week was much better on Tubi. I think I finished every movie I started.

There were a few good ones. Or at least a few notable ones.

Frankenhooker (1990)

It’s a shame that few actors make it in the industry. Whoever played the lead had a performance for the ages.

I hesitate to call it a “comedic” performance, although he was quite funny. But the actor perfectly encapsulated the madness and obsession that that role called for.

I can easily see the pitch for this movie:

Producer: “are there going to be boobs in the movie?”

Director: “yes but they’re all going to explode.”

Producer: “but there will be boobs?”

Now this film has quite a following. Hell, it even has a Bill Murray seal of approval, so it might not be as obscure as I’d like it to be. But it’s cult status is well earned and you should check it out.

Maniac (1980)

It’s a fairly simple concept: a maniac runs around Manhattan killing a bunch of people. But it’s pretty well executed.

And speaking of execution, it has one of the best head explosion scenes in film history (again, courtesy of the legend himself: Tom Savini…who I also think played character getting his head blown off)

The Forbidden Zone (1980)

It’s not a horror film. I don’t know what it is.

A musical?

I can handle weird. That’s not a problem. But you gotta suck audiences in. Once when they’re in, they have no choice but to sit there and watch it because they’re that engrossed. That’s not this movie.

It stars Herve Villechaize because he never turned down a paycheck, and features music from a group that eventually became Oingo Boingo.

It’s not my cup of tea, but I’m sure the theater nerds love it.

5 times I said “lol that sucks” while watching football

5. Fake Fair Catch- North Texas vs. Arkansas

Nothing gives me more comfort than knowing that in this day and age of NCAA football, the Arkansas Razorbacks will never win a National Championship. They’re quietly the saltiest fans in all of sports.

Which is why this fake fair catch will always bring a smile to my face.

4. Justin Tucker’s 66 yard field goal– Baltimore Ravens vs. Detroit Lions

The misery of the Detroit Lions knows no depths (as we’ll see again later). Which is why it was perfect that the football gods chose them to be on the losing end of Justin Tucker’s record-setting field goal which will never be broken in my lifetime.

Unfortunately the NFL doesn’t want me sharing clips of the event (Roger Goodell told me personally) so from here on out, I have to share shitty camera phone angles from the stands.

3. Brett Farve’s worst fuckup in a career filled with fuckups- New Orleans Saints vs. Minnesota Vikings

Everyone jumped on the Vikings bandwagon that year. But I knew better.

How did I know?

Because one snake bitten franchise, the Minnesota Vikings, had Brett Favre as their quarterback. I’m mean, come on. Everyone had to have seen this coming.

2. Michael Vick droppin bombs on Washington– Philadelphia Eagles vs. Washington R*******

People ask me all the time: when did things start going wrong the Washington team, currently the biggest dumpster fire in all of sports?

It was this moment right here, when jailbird Michael Vick made one of the greatest throws in NFL history:

1. The Motor City Miracle– Green Bay Packers vs. Detroit Lions

Sure, Aaron Rodgers may be an pompous ass. But make no mistake: he can throw a football very, very far.

After seeing a completed pass like that, it should be clear to all Lions fans: God hates Detroit. 😔

writings hard

Sorry about my halfassed posts as of late. I’m working on another project that’s taking up most of my creative energy. And that’s in addition to being employed at the toilet factory and fathering 27 kids.

But as I always say: “anything worth doing is worth losing your sanity over.”

So anyway, if anything seemed off, that’s why. Look forward to my next phoned in post. 🤷‍♂️

pixels (2015)

Yeah man, Pixels. Hell yeah dude.

What a funny movie. It totally didn’t crush my will to live.

Kevin James as President? Hilarious.

Josh Gad singing Tears For Fears? Laughed until I pissed myself.

Peter Dinklage fucking the shit out of Serena Williams and blowing a load all over Martha Stewart? Totally hot.

Adam Sandler’s humor feels as fresh as the day he did Going Overboard. You know what my favorite part was? When Dan Patrick shows up to collect a paycheck. Say what you want about the man, but Sandler at least keeps his friends employed.

And that’s what this movie’s all about: paying Adam Sandler’s bills. What a comedic legend.

fav songs from the 80s

Yeah man, I love the 80s. That’s all I listen to. I totally don’t know only one album from the decade.

10. Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel

Yeah, what a great song ya know? That music video. Phew!

9. In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel

I’ve spent many a night blasting this song outside of the window of my ex-wife. The only response I got was from the county sheriff with a restraining order.

8. That Voice Again by Peter Gabriel

It has a great drum beat. Sometimes I’ll rock out to it on my drums after midnight. Neighbors don’t like it. The sheriff tells me that every Thursday morning.

7. Red Rain by Peter Gabriel

I don’t know song. I’m sure it’s good. Peter Gabriel never once made a bad song.

6. This is the Picture by Peter Gabriel

I love the part where he keeps saying “this is the picture.”

5. Mercy Street by Peter Gabriel

This song is so great that it always puts me to sleep.

4. We Do What We’re Told by Peter Gabriel

Yeah, he’s right. We do what we’re told.

3. Big Time by Peter Gabriel

This is kinda the sequel to Sledgehammer. On the same album no less. Peter Gabriel was a genius.

2. Don’t Give Up by Peter Gabriel

Every time I put a gun to my mouth after I watch Dumb and Dumber To, I remember this piece.

1. Heat of the Moment by Asia.

Have you ever found yourself in 82? I do every time I take hallucinogens. What I love most about this song is Carl Palmer absolutely shredding the drums over Steve Howe’s lame guitar solo. That totally rocked.

***

So you see, when it comes to the 80s, I know what I’m talking about. Who doesn’t love this era of music?