The first coming (part II)

For the record, I feel disgusted for writing this.

Enjoy.

Meeting John was a welcome distraction for Alyssa. She managed to get close to him for a brief, fleeting moment. As she introduced herself, John held her hand firmly yet gently while their eyes locked. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Alyssa,” he said.

Her heart fluttered.

That night, Alyssa treated herself to a bath. She prayed and thanked God for bringing John into her life. She needed something else to think about other than her parents, who were probably being waterboarded in some cold North Korean dungeon at that very moment. While laying in the warm water, Alyssa let her mind wander.

As she thought about John, she began exploring herself, starting with her bosom on down to her excitable parts below. Though almost 30, Alyssa had only been with one other man…a premarital mistake she hoped would never happen again. She was saving herself; saving herself for a man like John.

She was both relaxed yet enraptured by thoughts of John moving up and down her body with his large, steady hands. As she was nearing climax, Geoff slid in through the bathroom door.

“Don’t mind me,” he said, “I’m just grabbing my toothbrush.”

Startled, Alyssa sat up in the bathtub and covered herself. “Geoff!” she screamed, “do you mind?!”

“What’s the big deal?” he asked. “I’ve definitely seen a naked woman before. No need to sneak a peek of my sister in the bath.”

“Get out!”

“Were you masturbating?” Geoff asked. “You know that the Bible says we shouldn’t spill our seed.”

“I don’t have ‘seed’ you dolt!”

“Well God says we shouldn’t take pleasures in the body. So you better get out of the tub and get to bed. And never mind my erection. It’s a side effect of my blood pressure medication.”

“I’m a grown woman Geoff. You don’t have to tell me what to do.”

Geoff sighed and scratched his forehead. “Look Alyssa,” he said, “before mom and dad went to North Korea, they wanted me to look after you until God provided you with a husband. I’m sorry if I come across as a little protective. I hope you understand.”

“I do understand,” Alyssa said as she wrapped herself in a towel, “but I’m fine. We’re both grown adults. God will release mom and dad soon. I know He will. I know that none of this has been easy for you.”

“Indeed it hasn’t,” Geoff replied, then he extended out his arms. “Hug?”

“No. I’m good.”

***

Alyssa attended Wednesday Bible study in hopes that John would be there. She arrived 30 minutes early to help set up chairs and tables. As she took her seat, Brother Ted laid his hand on her shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said.

She gave him a faint smile then opened her Bible. As the clock struck 7pm, Brother Ted began the study. “Please turn to Mark chapter 4,” he said.

John was nowhere to be found.

Alyssa’s heart started to sink. Although she was ashamed to admit it, she began to regret coming to the meeting. Then, as Brother Ted was reading through the passage, a handsome figure walked through the door.

“Sorry I’m late,” John said, “a madman hijacked a school bus and threatened to kill everyone on board. So I had to storm the bus and strangle the man with my barehands in front of all of the children.”

“Amen Brother John,” Ted said, “glad you could make it.”

Alyssa breathed a sigh of relief and blushed a little when he gave her a glance. Brother Ted read Mark 4:30-32:

Again he said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade,” Brother Ted read. “What does this passage mean to you?”

The room was silent for a few moments before John raised his hand. “What it means to me,” he began, “is that even though individually we are unimportant, collectively, if we are fruitful and multiply, we are powerful.”

The room nodded in agreement.

“Additionally,” John continued, “this is why it’s essential to preserve your seed. The more we waste, the less we can spread. That’s why I’m saving mine. So that one day I can plant mine into a fertile garden and have many offspring.”

He then looked over to Alyssa, who quickly looked away. But she knew. She knew right then that John was a part of God’s plan for her. As the study dragged on, Alyssa prayed for God to give her the strength to approach him.

When the study concluded, Alyssa started gathering her belongings. Then she heard a voice behind her. “Alyssa, right?” it asked. She turned around and there was John towering over her.

She nervously chuckled. “Yes,” she said.

“I heard about your parents, maybe I could fly to North Korea, take out my Bowie knife, and cut out the hearts of every commie bastard over there,” John joked.

“I’m sure you could,” Alyssa smiled, but the thought of him slaughtering millions made her loins quiver.

“I know that this is a difficult time for you,” John said, “Last night I prayed for God to return your parents home safely. So I’m sure that God will magically drop that $10.8 million into your lap at any moment. Either that, or the United States will nuke that godforsaken country right off the map. God Bless President Donald Trump, the REAL elected President. But until then, to get your mind off things, I want to invite you to a camping trip next week that I’ve organized with the church. Brother Ted will be there. And you can invite Geoff.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Alyssa replied.

A warm smile came over John’s face. “I guess I’ll see you then,” he said. She returned the smile.

Alyssa slowly walked out to her vehicle. When she climbed in, she turned up the radio and screamed for joy.

TO BE CONTINUED…


‭‭

The First Coming (part I)

Alright, here’s the first chapter to my Christian erotica story.

Ain’t promising that it’s gonna be good

“Amen!” Geoff yelled. It sounded more like he yelled ammo. Her brother’s enthusiasm for Sunday service sometimes annoyed Alyssa Edwards.

The preacher, Brother Ted, addressed his parishioners. “Folks,” he said, “sometimes I wake up in a pool of my own sweat and pants soaked in urine. Could it be the side effects of medication that’s causing this? Or could it be my guilty conscience from all the nights I drove home blackout drunk and full of hydros?”

The pews echoed with amens.

“I think it is God’s way of telling me that I’m a sinner and that every morning I should wake up in absolute horror, get on my knees, and thank Him for not striking me down dead right then and there.”

“Amen! Amen!”

“Now folks,” Brother Ted continued, “sin’s a terrible thing. For every sin committed, we should have our skin flayed, eyes poked out, and toothpicks shoved up our pee holes. But there’s a way out. In John 14:6, Jesus says ‘I am the way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me’!”

“Amen! Amen!”

“So if you’ve ever had impure thoughts, touched yourself in impure ways, those are marks on your soul and you can’t enter the Kingdom of Heaven with any blemish! So wash yourself in the pure blood of Christ our Lord!”

The sermon was more fiery than usual from Brother Ted. Alyssa was moved by his words, but her mind was distracted by events on the other side of the world. When Brother Ted asked for any prayer requests, she stood up. “Yes,” Alyssa said, “please pray for my parents who underwent an ill advised missionary trip to North Korea. They have been taken captive and are being held ransom by the government. Please pray for their safety and for the Lord to provide us with the $10.8 million for their release.”

“Aaaaaaamen,” Brother Ted replied. “Let us all pray…”

***

After the sermon, the church congregation met for brunch. Alyssa was standing alone in her traditional Sunday clothes: a blue floral halter dress with a button up sweater. She typically didn’t like large gatherings, but her brother wanted her to socialize.

Brother Ted noticed Alyssa standing alone. He licked his fingers clean of cake, plate in hand, and proceeded towards her. “It’s good to see you again,” he said to her, “but church is the best place to be in a time like this.”

Brother Ted Kaczynski stood there with a wide grin on his face in his oversized suit. He was in his late forties, overweight, and sweated profusely. “It’s good to see everyone again,” Alyssa replied, “it’s been very difficult lately.”

“Sometimes the Lord tries us in ways we couldn’t possibly understand,” Brother Ted said, “like having our parents kidnapped and held ransom for an obscene amount of money that we couldn’t possibly pay in a thousand years. But God never gives us more than we can handle.”

“So true, Brother Ted.”

“The church may be able to help you with your ransom money,” Ted said as he reached out for Alyssa’s soft, small hand. “Please stop by my office anytime. As you know, men are persecuted in this country…particularly white, Christian men. So my wife left me over completely false domestic abuse allegations and I’ve been missing out on stimulating female conversation. Maybe we can work something out if you know what I mean.”

“Brother Ted,” Alyssa replied, “I don’t think it would be appropriate for a single man or woman to be alone in a room together. I’ll be sure to bring my brother Geoff along for these discussions.”

A look of disappointment came over Brother Ted’s face. “Right you are Ms. Edwards,” he said, “I look forward to speaking with you.”

Geoff waddled up to Alyssa in his khakis and pea green polo. “Is everything alright?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” she said, “I’m just ready to go home.”

Geoff then poked his thick-rimmed bifocals up to his face. “But we haven’t heard the keynote speaker yet,” he replied.

Then she saw him.

He was standing aloof off to the other side of the room. He was about 6’2, muscles bulging through his black, ironed polo. He had the gelled, high and tight hair cut. One could easily get lost in his deep blue eyes. Alyssa tried to not gaze at his body for too long, but how could it be a sin to marvel at such a creation from God?

“Who is that man?” she asked Geoff.

“That’s the keynote speaker.”

Brother Ted stood up and called for everyone’s attention. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he said, “we have a new member to our congregation. He is a decorated war veteran and he has an incredible story. Please welcome John Cannon.”

The room applauded and John addressed the room. “Thank you everyone,” he began. Alyssa was taken with his deep and magnetic voice. “Brother Ted wanted me to tell you about my experience in Iraq, and well…” John stammered for a bit. “There’s really not much to tell. As a former Satan worshiper, I knew the power of the devil. But I never knew the Grace of God. So while I was in the US Army Special Forces, our convoy was attacked. All of my comrades were killed and I was the lone survivor. Suddenly I heard a voice in my head. ‘God will provide’ it said. And there in front of me was a flame thrower, a grenade belt, and an M29 Light Machine Gun. So I single-handedly torched the attacking force, killing everyone involved, then marched to the closest village and raised it to the ground, killing men, women, and children. I thought I was going to be court martialed and tried for war crimes, but to avoid the media fallout from such a massacre, I was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about killing an entire Iraqi village, but through the Grace of God and salvation through Christ Jesus, all is forgiven. But my therapist tells me that it isn’t a miracle that I found a flame thrower, grenades, and a machine gun…that those things are standard equipment with the Special Forces. They want to deny the existence of God. They also tell me that I have acute ‘PTSD’ and undiagnosed schizophrenia…and I shouldn’t carry around a Glock 19…”

John then pulled out the Glock and began waving in front of the audience. “But they can’t tell me what to do. God gave us the 2nd Amendment. And if they want to take away that right, they’re gonna face the wrath of God…and this Glock 19!”

The congregation gave him a round of applause.

Alyssa knew right then and there.. She had to know this man.

The First Coming (preamble)

“Art thrives on limitations,” Nicholas Meyer once said.

Well this next story will put that theory to the test thanks to the limitations of its author: me.

Obviously I’ve been struggling with writer’s block for the past month. But the discovery of “Christian erotica” has awoken me from my creative slumber.

I have never written a romance story. I’ve never read one either. It’s not my thing, ya know? Plus, as a closet asexual, I don’t know what it’s like to have sex.

“But don’t you have children?” you might ask.

Sure. But I only have sex for procreation. I have never once enjoyed coming. After an orgasm, I express gratitude to my partner and we shake hands. So I’m going into this subject cold. Additionally, this will be a “Christian” story intended for a “Christian” audience.

“Why?” you might be asking. Well like I said: art thrives on limitations. But there’s another question I want to answer: can a Christian story…intended for a Christian audience…be good as opposed to absolute dogshit like most religious entertainment?

The Passion of the Christ was a decent movie from what I recall. But Mel Gibson is insane. Depictions of graphic violence is kinda his art. But like Mel Gibson, I am also insane and you have to be a little off your rocker to achieve a degree of artistic genius. I’m not saying that I’m a genius, of course. I’m just saying that I’m a clinically insane person and that’s why I’m doing this.

From my understanding, “Christian erotica” typically requires the story to revolve around a married couple. But that’s gross. So I’m gonna try to push the boundaries a little by centering it on a single woman and her desire for premarital sex with a particular man.

And that’s as far as I’ve gotten with the story. I’ll be winging it from there.

Now, some of you might have noticed that my last few stories have been somewhat “Christian”-based: According to Simon and whatever I called that one sci-fi story. But I assure you, I only pretend to be a Jehovah’s Witness online (I actually converted to Mormonism yesterday). So no worries 😉

I’ll have the opening chapter of the story posted the next time I take a shit at work.

TO BE CONTINUED…

guys..I’m tellin ya

This is an untapped market…

If Christian erotica can be a thing, so can Christian pornography.

And why limit it to Christians? The MAGA market are also a bunch of dupes…er, uhhhh…I mean EXCELLENT customers, why not branch into the right-wing crowd? Think about it…anti-woke pornography where we “own the libs” (I.e. by fucking the shit out of them)

We’re sitting on a lot of money here folks.

ranking the cfl uniforms

Got nothin to talk abt. So I’m gonna talk about my fourth favorite subject: sports uniforms.

I tried to rank the NFL uniforms, but there’s just too damn many of them. For the CFL, there are only nine. So let’s get to them.

9. Montreal Alouettes

Fun fact: I hate this uniform. Probably the worst uniform in all of North American professional football. Why the hate? Because there’s nothing offensive about it. Much like Canada itself.

8. Winnipeg Blue Bombers

It’s pretty cool that the Washington Huskies are both an NCAA and a CFL team.

7. Toronto Argonauts

The Argonauts do a much better job of handling the two-tone blues than the Tennessee Titans. Still though, pretty uninspiring.

6. Saskatchewan Roughriders

Not gonna lie, the Roughriders pull off this color scheme much better than the New York Jets ever did. It’s plain and a little boring. But so is Saskatchewan.

5. Ottawa Redblacks

Dumb name (I’m sure there’s some a history behind it), terrible logo, and not nearly as cool as the similarly-looking Atlanta Falcons. That being said though, not too shabby.

4. Calgary Stampeders

I’m confused as to what their uniforms are going to be rolling into the coming season, but either way, cool emblem and they definitely have the best red/black uniforms in professional football.

3. Edmonton Elks

Do they look like the Green Bay Packers? Sure. But who gives a shit? Look at that helmet!

2. BC Lions

Many would disagree, but more teams need to be wearing orange and black. My only complaint about this uniform is the BC logo. It’s a little too high schoolish. Still though, this is a thing of beauty.

1. Hamilton Tiger-cats

I’m just gonna say it: black and yellow are the two most powerful colors any team could put together. And another unpopular opinion: I like this uniform BETTER than the Pittsburgh Steelers. My only complaint is the name “tiger-cat”. Any Canadian care to explain?