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Super Bowl LVII predictions

Since I was totally ACCURATE in my Super Bowl LVI predictions (Matthew Stafford would go 97/439, 20 TDs to 400 INTs in a LOSS to Cincinnati. The only reason none of this came true is because the NFL is fucking RIGGED) I figured that I’d bless you all with another round of predictions. So go…

Merry Christmas, Mr. Lorenz (Full Story)

“I can’t even beat off alone anymore,” thought Bill Lorenz. He tossed and turned in bed, flipping over and noticing a fellow inmate, Sappy, staring gleefully at him. “That’s enough,” Bill finally said. He threw off the covers, climbed out of bed, and started banging on his cell door. “Guard!” he yelled. “Bill, what do…

Merry Christmas, Mr. Lorenz (Part XII)

Sometimes artists create things that drive them insane. For me, this is one of those things. This might be my last short story for awhile. I’m about to begin one of the many other side projects that may or may not see the light of day. But the important thing is there’s about to be…

Merry Christmas, Mr. Lorenz (Part XI)

“Congratulations Bill,” Junior said. Bill was sitting on his bunk while overlooking some discharge paperwork. The meeting with the board was to take place the following morning. “Don’t congratulate me just yet,” Bill replied, “only Dr. Effington has submitted her approval. The board may still turn me down.” “Poppycock!” Junior retorted, “You have turned into…

More good ass 90s movies

Maybes I’ve been slightly harsh on the most forgettable decade of all time. I mean, the OJ Simpson trial was a kinda a hoot. So, to be fair, I’ll add a few more movies to the “good ass” list. 1. Goldeneye (1995) It could be argued that Pierce Brosnan didn’t get a fair shake. But…

Pennies for the Dead (Full Story)

Sorry for playing the hits, but I’m still undergoing writer’s block. I’m trying to jog my creativity by starting shit on Instagram, but that takes time. Honesty, I forgot about this story. I posted it a year ago and while it isn’t my best work there’s still a few good ass jokes. So enjoy Pennies…

Good ass 90s movies

If you don’t remember the 90s, don’t let anyone fool you: it sucked. It was an awkward time between the coked out free-for-all that was the 70s/80s and the rise of internet culture of the 2000s. So don’t buy into the bullshit nostalgia, I would know. I’m 107 years old and sharp as a tack.…

Statistical Theology (and I’m #cancelled)

First off, sorry about my last post. Upon rereading it…especially out of context from the rest of the story…it’s absolutely disgusting and amateurish. And I know you’ve been reading it because stats are telling me so and it’s barely being interacted with. Honestly, the story by itself makes me look like a creep (which I…

Merry Christmas, Mr. Lorenz (Part X)

I don’t know why you guys make me write this smut. I don’t know anything about sex. I’m Mormon for fuck’s sake! I don’t even touch my penis in the shower! So just remember: if you get uncomfortable reading this portion of the story, it’s your fault. You MADE me write this. Merry Christmas, Mr.…

Flashback: “Dr. Si”

People ask me all the time: what’s your worst story? And the answer is the story you’re about to read…Dr. Si. It’s poorly written, the jokes don’t land, and the character motivations make zero fucking sense (much like an actual James Bond story). Some background though: the last “Detective James from LA” story I posted…

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