Category: Uncategorized

sry

I was on vacation. Went to the beach and got pinched by a crab. Went to the zoo and got attacked by a lemur. Then went to the ATM and got robbed at gunpoint by a goddamn pelican!

Never going to Destin again.

ranking the cfl uniforms

Got nothin to talk abt. So I’m gonna talk about my fourth favorite subject: sports uniforms.

I tried to rank the NFL uniforms, but there’s just too damn many of them. For the CFL, there are only nine. So let’s get to them.

9. Montreal Alouettes

Fun fact: I hate this uniform. Probably the worst uniform in all of North American professional football. Why the hate? Because there’s nothing offensive about it. Much like Canada itself.

8. Winnipeg Blue Bombers

It’s pretty cool that the Washington Huskies are both an NCAA and a CFL team.

7. Toronto Argonauts

The Argonauts do a much better job of handling the two-tone blues than the Tennessee Titans. Still though, pretty uninspiring.

6. Saskatchewan Roughriders

Not gonna lie, the Roughriders pull off this color scheme much better than the New York Jets ever did. It’s plain and a little boring. But so is Saskatchewan.

5. Ottawa Redblacks

Dumb name (I’m sure there’s some a history behind it), terrible logo, and not nearly as cool as the similarly-looking Atlanta Falcons. That being said though, not too shabby.

4. Calgary Stampeders

I’m confused as to what their uniforms are going to be rolling into the coming season, but either way, cool emblem and they definitely have the best red/black uniforms in professional football.

3. Edmonton Elks

Do they look like the Green Bay Packers? Sure. But who gives a shit? Look at that helmet!

2. BC Lions

Many would disagree, but more teams need to be wearing orange and black. My only complaint about this uniform is the BC logo. It’s a little too high schoolish. Still though, this is a thing of beauty.

1. Hamilton Tiger-cats

I’m just gonna say it: black and yellow are the two most powerful colors any team could put together. And another unpopular opinion: I like this uniform BETTER than the Pittsburgh Steelers. My only complaint is the name “tiger-cat”. Any Canadian care to explain?

The Partnership for Enterpise, Nurturing, and Innovation Sciences (PENIS)

So I left my lucrative job at the toilet factory to become a life coach/thought leader/grifter on LinkedIn.

And people ask me all the time: how did you become so goddamn successful?

Easy!

It’s helpful to have a big penis and loads of inherited money. But if you lack those qualities, there’s another secret that insiders don’t want you to know: voodoo.

So curse your enemies to eternal damnation and harness the powers of Satan by downloading my “free” ebook written by yours truly and Dr. Dale Dickton, who’s a real doctor and didn’t get his degree from a diploma mill.

COMING soon

god bless texas

There are four things that I love: 1) corporate intrigue 2) religious charlatans 3) the State of Texas 4) NFL football. Which is why I’ve been blessed with the Jack Easterby story regarding the Houston Texans.

For those who don’t know, Easterby is essentially a chaplain that plotted and schemed his way to the top of an NFL franchise. It’s an odd story, but things like this happen. Anyone recall Rasputin and the fall of the Russian Empire? And yes, I’d say that Easterby’s involvement with the Texans is every bit as significant and tragic as the fall of the Romanovs.

I’m just always surprised at how rich people, like Texans CEO Cal McNair, are so gullible. If the average person came across someone like Easterby on the street, we’d think “this dude’s full of shit.” But I guess game recognizes game.

Listen to this shit:

A bit of advice Evangelicals: if you want people to take your religion seriously, maybe drop the used car salesman schtick.

The theory is that Easterby and McNair are trying to turn the Texans into a “Christian football camp”. So this will give us the opportunity to test Aaron Rodgers’ theory that “God doesn’t care about football games.” And if we come to find out that God DOES care about football while millions of children continue to starve to death, then you should ask yourself why you worship this god.

So I’m pretty excited to watch this experiment go up in flames. In the meantime, enjoy some of Easterby’s standup: