And yet another shot at the title (part xxx)

Cassandra stayed pissed at me for three weeks. It was so bad that I couldn’t read the script. Then Greta was angry with me.

“What do you mean you haven’t read the script?!” she shouted. “We begin casting tomorrow!”

“Greta, you should know my methods by now,” I said. “I never read scripts. Besides, we’re casting Casper Van Diem.”

“We’re not casting Casper Van Diem! I don’t know who that is! We have a list of actors from the casting director that we’re scheduled to meet with! So you better get to reading the screenplay!”

“Can’t. Cassandra’s pissed at me.”

“So? Who isn’t? Here…,” she said and handed me an official leather-bound script. “Find a corner somewhere and read it!”

Instead I threw it in the trash and called up Casper’s agent. “Get me Casper goddamnit!” I ordered.

“But I haven’t been his agent in 20 years,” he said.

“Who’s his agent now?”

“He doesn’t have one.”

“That’s ridiculous. Every actor has an agent!”

“He’s not an actor anymore.”

I was flabbergasted. “So one of the great thespians for a two year stretch back in the 90s is no longer performing his craft?!!! How is this not bigger news?!”

“No one cares my dude,” the agent said then hung up the phone.

So after a frantic 15 minute google search, I found Casper’s number in Holland and called him up. “Hallo! Wie is dit?” he asked.

“What? What kind of satanic tongue is that?! Speak English!” I ordered.

“Sorry,” Casper apologized in a flawless American accent, “I haven’t spoken English in 20 years. Who am I speaking with?”

“It’s James Pietermeister.”

“What? But I’m not an actor anymore. I’m the deli manager at Jumbo’s!”

“Now you shut your mouth! I know Starshit Troopers bombed but I saw something there. I watched the birth of a star before my eyes. And that Star was YOU. I have a script here that I think you’re perfect for. It’s the lead for Chatty Cathy!”

TO BE CONTINUED…