Somebody stop this man

I was having a good day. I had a good clean, 30 minute shit. Had some ice cream. Drank some coffee. Then I had another 30 minute shit. The only thing that could have ruined this day was learning that Niell Blomkamp was going to remake Starship Troopers.

https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/movies/movie-news/new-starship-troopers-movie-in-the-works-1236163598/

I don’t need to remind my audience that Paul Verhoeven went on an unholy terror through Hollywood from the late 80s through the 90s. He arguably made three of the greatest modern sci-fi classics: Robocop, Total Recall and Starship Troopers. Two of those movies have already been remade with iffy results I might add. Do they think the third time’s a charm?

I will say though that Blomkamp does have an it factor despite all his flaws. He understands the language of cinema, even though it has only came together once beautifully. And that was nearly 20 years ago with District 9. So in his defense, I would love to see Niell hit another one out of the park. I just wish it wasn’t Starship Troopers.

I mean, isn’t there another Robert Heinlein book he could make? I’m pretty sure there’s a wealth of material there.

But judging the politics of Blomkamp’s other films, I don’t suspect he’ll be embracing some of Heinlein’s more “fascistic” undertones. Yet that was the genius of Verhoeven’s satirical take. He didn’t really make us “judge” the morality of Heinlein’s work. He wanted us to either laugh at or be utterly horrified by it in the way that only the director of Robocop can do. It is, at face value, a reactionary film told from a reactionary perspective, except the audience is in on the joke. It was the correct take and Verhoeven threaded that needle perfectly.

Blomkamp, I fear, might go a little heavy handed with it. While I think he’s great with visuals and pacing, his weak spot is screenwriting. That’s a big one. Chappie and Elysium could have been great. But there was something lacking there that could have delivered an emotional punch had the script been cleaned up a bit. My hope is that he won’t overcomplicate things. Blomkamp is pretty damn good at giving us a fulfilling meal in an under two hour runtime. He doesn’t need to change that up now. Just keep it simple. No interwoven narratives; A leads to B which leads to C and so on, and it all culminates in a satisfying and emotional climax.

You’ve done it before, Neill. You can do it again.

And yet another shot at the title (part xxx)

Cassandra stayed pissed at me for three weeks. It was so bad that I couldn’t read the script. Then Greta was angry with me.

“What do you mean you haven’t read the script?!” she shouted. “We begin casting tomorrow!”

“Greta, you should know my methods by now,” I said. “I never read scripts. Besides, we’re casting Casper Van Diem.”

“We’re not casting Casper Van Diem! I don’t know who that is! We have a list of actors from the casting director that we’re scheduled to meet with! So you better get to reading the screenplay!”

“Can’t. Cassandra’s pissed at me.”

“So? Who isn’t? Here…,” she said and handed me an official leather-bound script. “Find a corner somewhere and read it!”

Instead I threw it in the trash and called up Casper’s agent. “Get me Casper goddamnit!” I ordered.

“But I haven’t been his agent in 20 years,” he said.

“Who’s his agent now?”

“He doesn’t have one.”

“That’s ridiculous. Every actor has an agent!”

“He’s not an actor anymore.”

I was flabbergasted. “So one of the great thespians for a two year stretch back in the 90s is no longer performing his craft?!!! How is this not bigger news?!”

“No one cares my dude,” the agent said then hung up the phone.

So after a frantic 15 minute google search, I found Casper’s number in Holland and called him up. “Hallo! Wie is dit?” he asked.

“What? What kind of satanic tongue is that?! Speak English!” I ordered.

“Sorry,” Casper apologized in a flawless American accent, “I haven’t spoken English in 20 years. Who am I speaking with?”

“It’s James Pietermeister.”

“What? But I’m not an actor anymore. I’m the deli manager at Jumbo’s!”

“Now you shut your mouth! I know Starshit Troopers bombed but I saw something there. I watched the birth of a star before my eyes. And that Star was YOU. I have a script here that I think you’re perfect for. It’s the lead for Chatty Cathy!”

TO BE CONTINUED…