To Sire, With Love (Part VII)

“I’m in an open relationship,” Sam explained to me on her break.

“Hmm,” I said with some disinterest as I gnawed on some fish sticks. Then it occurred to me. “Wait, what? What does that mean?”

“It means that my husband and me are free to sleep with other people. In fact, he’s probably being sucked off by his mistress as we speak.”

I scratched my head. “I don’t get it,” I replied. “So Are you fucking anyone else?”

“Well, not exactly,” Sam paused. “I’m usually too busy working here.”

I was so confused. “Does he at least wrap it up?” I asked. “What if he picks up STDs or knocks someone up?”

“My husband raw dogs hookers all the time,” Sam said. “Besides, he fires blanks anyway. We’ve tried to have children before but the doctors say his guys don’t swim. He’s as dry as the Sahara.”

“Shit,” I answered. “That’s the exact opposite problem I have. I have eight children and have only had sex eight times. Doctors have called me a marvel of modern science. Too bad my dick don’t work.”

“Really?” asked Sam. “Can you at least cum?”

“Oh yeah, I can cum soft,” I explained. “I’m like a goddamn faucet, I mean, I can BLAST some ropes if you know what I mean. Doctors tell me that I need to jerk it every so often or else my balls will swell up to where I can’t sit down. But I don’t know, I haven’t been horny since Malcolm Butler had that interception in Super Bowl XLIX.”

“So you haven’t came in nearly 10 years?” Sam asked. I could see the wheels turning in her head.

“Nope. I’m like a ticking time bomb. Next time I bust, it will be a sea of jizz. That’s why I can’t sleep on my stomach.”

Sam put down her can of Diet Coke and grabbed me by the lapels. “Pop a viagra and fuck me!” she ordered. “I wanna drown in that sea of backlogged semen!”

“Woah woah woah!” I retorted. “Where can I find a viagra at THIS hour?”

Sam cooled her jets and took a deep breath. “You’re right,” she said. “I’m sorry if I was a little pushy.”

As she sighed, I took her by the hand. “Look,” I explained, “I get it, you want a child but you can’t because of your husband’s deadass balls,” I said. “And I’ve got all the sperm you need and then some. But I have had sex in years. I don’t even remember where to put it!”

Sam nodded her head.

“So please,” I continued, “give me some time to think about this. Mind you, the answer is yes because I’m filled to the brim with semen and I am about to erupt at any moment. But I need time to process this.”

TO BE CONTINUED…