Once Upon a Time in Montana (Part XI)

We found Dickleburg at the train station, boarding the Barnum and Bailey Circus train headed for Helena. “I got an open shot,” I yelled to Oppenheimer.

I emptied the revolver in Dickleburg’s direction but every bullet missed. “Goddamn you suck,” Oppenheimer said.

Dickleburg jumped on the train just as it was departing. Oppenheimer and I chased the caboose down the track and we made it onboard right as the train picked up steam. Oppenheimer kicked open the back door and fired a round in the air. “We’re looking for Dickleburg!” he screamed at the startled passengers.

“He went that way!” the bearded lady pointed. We ran in that direction but unfortunately the next car contained the lions. One of them was pissed because he was hit from one of my stray bullets when I shot at Dickleburg. He roared and leapt towards Oppenheimer but I shot him in the face. That only angered the other lions so I shot the rest of them as well.

Then PT Barnum rushed in ranting and raving. “You killed all of my lions!” he yelled. So I shot him too.

“Was that necessary?” Oppenheimer asked.

“Fuck that guy,” I said.

We heard a thud from above. We knew that Dickleburg was attempting to escape from the top of the train. We climbed up some boxes and unlocked the cover to the roof.

The cold Montana air instantly blew us back. A few cars away, we could see Dickleburg rushing towards the front of the train. So we braved the elements and climbed to the top. My hat immediately blew off. We leapt from car to car, running into the wind, until we were at the front.

When we climbed back inside, Dickleburg was running between a gaggle of clowns before grabbing ahold of a pair of conjoined twins. He pulled out both of his six shooters and held both to their respective heads. “Do you really want to do this?” Dickleburg asked Oppenheimer.

The two of us paused just feet away. Oppenheimer lowered his weapon. “Let them go, Dickleburg,” he ordered, “this is between you and me.”

“Why didn’t you consider my offer?!” Dickleburg asked, “So many people didn’t have to die!”

“Let em go and we’ll talk.”

“Drop your gun first!”

Oppenheimer slowly bent over to drop his Smith & Wesson. However, noticing an open shot to the legs, the sheriff dropped to the ground and fired a round into Dickleburg’s kneecap. He screamed in agony as the conjoined twins ran off.

Oppenheimer stood straight up and lifted his gun to Dickleburg’s head as he was bleeding on the ground. “You can’t kill me,” Dickleburg said, “you’re a man of the law.”

I could see a hint of pity in Oppenheimer’s eyes. He was worn out from the bloodshed. “You’re right Dickleburg,” Oppenheimer replied while placing his gun back in its holster, “I can’t kill you…”

“…but I can,” I interrupted. Then I emptied my revolver into Dickleburg’s chest.

We both gazed upon the dead body for a moment. “Thanks,” Oppenheimer said, not making eye contact.

“Can we go back to our timeline now?”


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