“Don’t you have a whole FBI field office to run?” I asked Peter Tucker. Donavan McNabb, the guitarist I threatened to shoot on the streets of Oakland…and Layla’s ex-boyfriend…was packing his van before the two of us departed for LA.
“You know,” Peter explained, “the funny thing about San Francisco is that no one commits crimes there. What are the odds? So I’ve got nothing better to do.”
“Well if you’re tagging along with us, you’re paying for gas,” I said.
“Don’t worry,” Donovan interrupted, “this is a 1994 GMC Vandura. It’s a marvel of modern engineering. So this thing DEFINITELY doesn’t suck up a lot of gas.”
“It’s all good,” Peter replied, “I’ll just use my credit card issued by the federal government to pay for the $15 per gallon gas here in the State of California for an investigation that has absolutely nothing to do with the government.”
“Good thinking,” I said. “Well hop on in! Let’s get this show on the road!”
***
We all got high driving down the SR 1. It didn’t help much. I couldn’t shake the half naked images of Layla from my mind; something was compelling me towards her. And it wasn’t just my erection either.
“I know I’m a federal agent and all,” Peter said to Donovan, who was driving the van, “but goddamn this is some good weed.”
“For Christ sake,” I said to Peter, “stop using the Lord’s name in vain!”
“Come off your high horse, Jack,” he replied.
“No, he’s right,” Donovan interrupted, “God is all around us. God is love. We should treat him with respect.”
“That’s an interesting perspective,” I replied.
“Shut the fuck up Donovan,” Peter said. “You’re just a dumbass California stoner. I shouldn’t even be letting you drive! It would have been much faster taking the interstate!”
“What’s the rush, man?” Donovan asked.
“A girl’s gone missing,” I said, “and her mother is paying $3500 per day to find her.”
“All Layla did was move to LA for work,” Donovan said as tears began to stream down his face. “I just wish she hadn’t had dumped me.”
“There there,” I said as I patted him on the back, “I completely understand why she left you.”
Donovan pulled off to a lone gas station overlooking the California coast. Peter went inside to ask for directions and take a shit while Donovan stood around with his thumb up his ass. Meanwhile, I continued to study Layla’s dossier.
Then some jackoff in a red Porsche convertible pulled up behind the van. “Hey, are you gonna pump any gas?!” the man yelled. “You’re holding up the line!”
“There are other pumps, sir,” Donovan replied. But the gentleman wasn’t having it.
I grew annoyed as he continued to lay on the horn. Finally, I walked up to the Porsche and pulled out the .38.
“Listen here, shitheel!” I said to the man, “we’re on a mission from God, GODDAMNIT! That means we don’t have to obey the laws of man. So I hope you’re right with the Lord, because if you keep laying on the horn, you might be meeting Him sooner than you think!”
The man began to piss himself as he wept and raised his hands in the air. “I’m so sorry mister,” he cried, “I just need some gas.”
I lifted the .38 and pulled back the hammer. “Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior?” I asked.
The man bawled as he accepted Jesus into his life. Then I shot him in the kneecap for the inconvenience
Peter ran out of the gas station after he heard the gunshot and patted me on the back. “I’m really proud of you Jack,” he said, “you’ve shown a lot of restraint these last few days.”
I nodded as put the .38 in my holster. “You know, it’s just never occurred to me to NOT kill everyone I come across. I don’t what it is. I guess California has really gotten to me.”
We both laughed then continued on our journey to LA.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Internet Ruined Everything 