Remember the early days of this blog when I wrote about dope ass shit like drugs, guns, public endangerment, and accidentally fucking your cousin?
The video above reminds me of those good ol days. ššš
Rip
heat of the moment
Tag: stuff
Rip Michael Krueger
If Iāve said it once, Iāll say it a thousand times: I am to Tubi what raccoons are to trash. So if Tubi puts something up there to watch, by God Iām watching it and leaving a godawful mess while Iām at it.
Why though? Why would one put themselves through pointless agony?
Iāll tell you why: Mindkiller and Night Vision.
Before you read this, you probably never heard of either of those films. But now you have. So Iām providing a FREE public service: finding overlooked gems before they are totally and completely forgotten. Iām a historian, this is what I do.
Both films were directed by Michael Krueger and bothā¦according to IMDbā¦were released in 1987. Unfortunately, Krueger died in 1990, presumably leaving both films to lie in obscurity until their resurrection into the public consciousness by Tubi.
You might think Iām being facetious over my praise of Kruegerās work, but I assure you, I genuinely enjoyed both movies. Sure, they might look like cheap after-school specialsā¦the sound editing is particularly atrocious in Mindkillerā¦but a few technical issues aside, aspiring filmmakers should take note: where you lack a budget, you can make up for with heart.
As you all know, I have a horrible memory. So I donāt recall too many plot details. But Mindkiller, roughly, is about a dork librarian who reads some outlandish shit and he begins to control minds. I think. He then begins to control the mind of his love interest, played convincingly by Shirley Ross as a strait laced librarian.
Ross then flips the script for Night Vision, also as the love interest, as she plays a street wise video clerk showing her boyfriend the ropes. The streets of Denver have never looked so mean. Remember, this was the 80s, before all the hipsters moved in and gentrified the place. But supposedly Night Vision is also a horror film. I think a VCR is demon possessed or something. While I donāt remember being scared, I do remember being taken in by the filmās earnestness and Rossā performance.
Itās a shame that Krueger didnāt have a longer career. But I am thankful for what we did get.
RIP
hittin the bars
I remember working the bars in 2011 when some Rick Moranis-lookin drunk stumbled in with a briefcase. He went up to the bartender and began whispering something in his ear.
āGet the fuck out!ā the bartender yelled as he pointed towards the door.
I never learned what that man said. But I think about him often.
The End
what is a reel ass dude?
Definitions vary. But in short, itās any person that rides a fine line between being insaneā¦or criminally stupidā¦and a total menace to society.
Which leads to a bigger question that I get asked everyday of my life: how does one get inducted into the Internet Ruined Everythingās Hall of Fame of Real Ass Dudes (IREHOFRAD)?
Because this is such an elite club, one must meet the following criteria:
1. Demonstrated clear excellence in insanity or stupidity. But their eccentricities canāt lead them to be perpetually in jail. Remember, being a menace to society is a clear disqualification for being a real ass dude. Serial killers, mass murderers, and Harvey Weinstein will never qualify.
2. That being said, there are bonus points for criminal activity. DUIs, robbery, minor drug trafficking, embezzling, manslaughter, fraud, etc, are perfectly acceptable. Sex and hate crimes, however, are an automatic disqualification. OJ Simpson totally rides the line here.
3. Have outstanding achievements in the fields of entertainment, business, sports, politics, technology, etc, that will stand the test of time REGARDLESS of their insanity, stupidity, and criminal activities. A prime example here is Bobby Knight. The man had no business coaching a college basketball program who nevertheless won three national titles. This is why Knight was the first inductee into the HOF.
Basically to get into the Hall, inductees must exemplify, or outright facilitate, the decline of societyās collective super ego.
Have someone you want to nominate? Let me know in the comments.
On the ballot next year is OJ Simpson, Brett Favre, Lyndon Baines Johnson, and Donald Trump. Only one can get in.
Wes lexner x 2
Yo! Shout out to the internet for making the post āWes Lexnerā my most popular piece of writing ever.
Google āWes Lexnerāā¦a common mispronunciation for famed CEO Les Wexnerā¦and youāll find that itās the second page that will pop up.
Out of all the stupid things Iāve crapped out over the years, I never thought THAT one would be my most famous. But thatās the internet š¤·āāļø
Iām just doing my part to waste as much digital energy as possible and ensure that we continue to misuse humanityās most important invention š
None of this would be possible without viewers like you. Yāall are the real MVPs.
Brett favre: real ass dude
https://news.yahoo.com/defendant-ex-governor-ordered-payments-232005570.html
Brett Farve is perilously close to being added to my real ass dude HOF. All he has to do now is kill someone and heās automatically in.
Last I checked, Mississippi had just under 3 million people living there. Yet somehow Farve got himself involved in one of its biggest corruption scandals.
Allegedly, he didnāt know that he received embezzled money. But something tells me that it wasnāt because no one told him. It probably didnāt occur to him that what he was doing was unethical.
Hey, we all make our mistakes. But Brett Favre has a history of making mistakes that only real ass dudes make (making ill-advised throws, sending dick pics to reporters, wearing jorts, etc.)
So keep going Brett, youāre almost there. Iām rooting for ya!
good for Zach Wilson š
It aināt a crime to smash cougs. In fact, every man between the age 20-23 should try it.
And ladies over the age of 35, good for you! Go get it!
Now Zach Wilson may never be a HOFer, but he should be celebrated as a trailblazer, or a public spokesperson, for guys like me. Iāve been putting out flyers, knocking on doors, and yelling on street corners for years: older women is where itās at. And when you go where itās at, thereās no going back.
Just ask Emmanuel Macron š
Luther the geek
Boy times have changed.
Back in the 80s, people thought that sexual assault and tormenting families was hilarious. But that was life in Reaganās America. It was a disgusting time and Iām glad itās over.
A nice little relic from this era is Luther the Geek. The best part about it is itās short run time: 80 minutes š
The plot is simple: some lunatic is inexplicably granted parole and he instantly begins a reign of terror. He grabs ahold of some poor woman and proceeds to terrorize her and her daughter, who is somehow older than than her mother. The movie doesnāt know if it takes place in Iowa or Illinois, but really, who cares? Theyāre basically the same state.
The film epically concludes with the hero and villain clucking at each other like chickens.
The gore? Itās pretty good.
I wouldnāt say Iād ārecommendā it. But hell, itās only 80 minutes of your life.
Otto focus
I make no secret of my love for Paul Schrader. As far as being a screenwriter, heās the GOAT.
Unfortunately he didnāt write Auto Focus, he only directed. Still though, itās familiar territory for him: sexual obsession, loneliness, religious struggle, etc etc.
Watching Willem Dafoe and Greg Kinnear beat off together while they watch their own sex tapes is cinematic gold. My only complaint about this movie is that it should have been LONGER.
Honestly, this hit a little too close to home. If youāve never been in a friendship like the one between Bob Crane and John Carpenter you might not understand. But these kinds of relationships exist among two (mostly heterosexual) men who are cocksmiths.
In sum, this film exposes the dark side of ābromanceā.
good news
Iām a proud employee at the toilet factory. They think so highly of me that theyāre sending me to Toilet College for a week where I will learn how to make toilets for the rest of my life.
Iām illiterate because I dropped out of school in the second grade. So needless to say Iāll have my hands full.
Good news is that you can expect more shitposts over the next week.
Because Shit is my game, and shitās what I care about. š„°
The Internet Ruined Everything 