Tag: strategy

How do I keep winning every battle I start?

I’ve been dunking so hard on my boss that I’m starting to feel bad about it. I mean, it’s not entirely his fault for why our workplace is so fucked up.

Put yourself into his shoes: you’re new to the job, you’ve been brought in to straighten out a mess, you make plans, then the boss that brings you in gets fired (which a particular subordinate, me, warned you about should you follow through with said plans).

So you’re shaken up a bit, regroup, and (probably) kiss ass to keep your job. Your new superior says to take control of a deteriorating situation. Then you make new plans.

Unfortunately your subordinate middle managers act out of self preservation and keep you in the dark about everything. As a result, your new plans are poorly executed then you make a critical mistake: you blame the low men on the totem pole instead of your managers

Now you’ve got a BIGGER problem: me. I warned you about ruling with an iron fist and that you should probably learn your way around before you start making drastic decisions. You didn’t listen. And because you’re the top dog, I’m not giving you a second chance to fuck up.

So I air out the workplace’s dirty laundry to YOUR superior and HR.

What you think is just an employee bitching turns out to be something more serious: this very issue that I brought up, who happens to be a particular individual, not only has negatively impacted your workplace but it has also negatively impacted members of HR themselves.

So there will be no warning, there will be no write up. There will be a direct investigation. This issue will certainly be removed from your department.

You see, when you’re in our business, it helps to be familiar with all the moving parts around you. That’s called politics and that’s the only way to survive around here. This is why I told you to get familiar with everything before you start ruling with an iron fist.

Now normally this wouldn’t be a big deal. Sure it’s a little embarrassing having your department investigated while you’re (presumably) on thin ice. Unfortunately, an addition to firing a talented and qualified supervisor two weeks earlier, it was announced this very week that two more qualified and experienced employees will soon be leaving (not including me because that’s a bombshell I’ll be dropping later because I’m an asshole). Furthermore, you’ve been unable to fill vacancies due too few qualified applicants and too little pay. In sum, you’re about to be short on employees.

To summarize: I’ve absolutely owned you. Without really meaning to, honestly.

The first time, I was just pissed off and venting without actually thinking my warning would come true. And the second time, well, I just blindly fired a shot and it landed perfectly on target 🤷‍♂️

But luck fell into my lap because I listened and learned my place. You didn’t do that. Now I’ll go to bat for you in the investigation (after I turn in my notice of resignation) but all this could have been avoided. As a result, this will probably be the biggest FUCK YOU to a former employer that I could possibly deliver.

shoot me, deadly VI: goodbye cruel world

If Michaela and her army wanted to lay siege to this cabin, I was fully prepared.

After Isabella said her final goodbye, I began work on a defensive attack. Booby traps, trip wires, and explosives were scattered around the perimeter. Thanks to my father’s arsenal, I had RPGs, M16s, M4 Carbines, AKs, AR-15s, Uzis, and all the usual weapons you’d find in these stories.

I climbed up into a deer stand, and watched. Waited. I stared down the scope of my rifle. A caravan of black SUVs was rolling down the dirt road.

The first vehicle struck a trip wire, causing a massive explosion. It obliterated the SUV and the one behind it. Eight people were killed immediately.

Men in the vehicles behind began fanning out into the woods, but they kept triggering the C-4, causing more explosions and death. The unlucky ones got caught in bear traps where they became easy prey for the mountain lions.

I realized that I created a horrible, if not tragic, death trap.

I climbed down from the deer stand and ran back to the cabin. I knew that the men who survived the initial barrage would eventually breach the defensive perimeter. So I armed myself with multiple automatic weapons.

Meanwhile, explosions kept going off. I grabbed the RPG-7.

I knew Michaela was getting close. One of her men yelled “you fucking bitch! You told us that we’d only be facing three people! Not the threshold of hell!”

Her men started to retreat. So my defensive campaign suddenly became an offensive one. I fired an RPG right at her gaggle of men, killing or maiming all 20 of them.

The few survivors that weren’t screaming in agony began to fire back. So I let loose another RPG.

I looked out into the woods. Fires were emanating from the charred remains of hundreds of dead bodies. It was lighting up the night sky. Yet none of the bodies were Michaela.

I slowly paced through the woods. Then a bullet went right through my left kidney. I fell to the ground and Michaela popped out from behind a tree, doing all kinds of strange martial arts.

She round house kicked my face. She broke one of my arms, both legs and my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I was helplessly crawling on the ground.

“Where’s Isabella?!” Michaela kept asking while punching me in the face.

“If she was up your butt you’d know where she was,” I replied.

Out of frustration, Michaela stood up and pointed her Glock 19 at me. “Goodbye, private dick!”

Luckily, I had dozens of sidearms on me. So I managed to rip a clip into Michaela before she got off a shot.

With fire all around me, I managed to craw back into the cabin. I might’ve been a fuck up my entire life, but at least I’d go out the way I wanted.

I lit up a cigarette and looked over to a picture of mom and dad.

“I’ll be with you soon Ma and Pa!”

And I closed my eyes.

….

Unfortunately I woke up in the San Bernardino Community Hospital. Isabella and an FBI agent were in the room.

“I couldn’t leave you there mister,” Isabella said. “You were sitting in a pool of your own blood with all your limbs broken.”

“Despite the horrendous injuries and the state we found you in, you’re expected to make a full recovery!” the doctor said.

I didn’t have health insurance.

“You somehow managed to slaughter the entire west coast mafia. There will be a federal investigation into this,” the FBI agent said.

“Do I need to lawyer up?” I asked.

“Oh yeah, BIG TIME,” the agent replied.

“Aren’t you so happy to be alive?!” Isabella asked.

That night, I cried myself to sleep.

THE END