No matter how educated you are, no matter how smart you believe yourself to be, you CAN be deceived.
You WILL be deceived.
Ever heard of SANTA CLAUS? He’s real. He died in 2020. His real name was James Randi and he was one of the greatest scientific skeptics and magicians of all time:
You know who else isn’t real?
Kool Moe Dee
Those freestyle skills were unreal.
Think hard enough and you’d realize that life is pretty stupid.
Sure it’s easy to marvel at the miracle of consciousness, but when you consider the immensity of the universe, there’s nothing miraculous about it.
Your suffering is pointless.
The universe is the totality of all there is, all there can be. All possibilities are both infinite and determined.
God has abandoned you.
All is vanity, all is darkness. Consider Voltaire: we live in the worst of all possible worlds.
In this world void of hope, there is one beacon of light:
Arby’s: Put Some Meaning in Your Life
Have I already written about Never Say Never Again?
Fuck it, I’ll do it again.
Never Say Never Again is the best “James Bond” film of the 80s
I will die on that hill.
I love that cold open: 007 choking out some dude to the tune of a cheesy love song. Classic.
Also, there are some killer lines:
Bond: “Free radicals, sir?”
M: “Yes, they’re toxins that destroy the body and brain, caused by eating too much red meat and white bread. Too many dry martinis.”
Bond: “Then I shall cut out the white bread sir.”
OR
Moneypenny: “Have you got an assignment James?”
Bond: “Yes Moneypenny. I’m to eliminate all free radicals.”
Moneypenny: “Do be careful!”
Plus, who doesn’t love watching a 53 year old, toupee’d Sean Connery get ogled by a sea of 20 year old women?
And Barbara Carerra Fatima Blush?
You could say that she’s an “attractive woman” and made me “sexually aroused”. But I’ve never had an erection before.
You have. But that’s because you’re fucked up.
Damn, Seinfeld was such a great show.
But Kramer’s racist tirade went a little far tho.
Do people actually read Nietzsche or do they just quote him so that they appear smart?
Look, I love ramblings of insane people as much as the next guy but just because some dude from the past said something doesn’t make it correct.
Same thing with George Orwell. I legit never met anybody who read 1984. They claim that they have, but I know better. The libertarian types love bringing up Orwell, but I guess they forgot that while Orwell’s politics sound, to me, a bit nuanced, he was pretty solidly a leftist.
Maybe I just refuse to believe that anyone from the past has a greater insight into our present than we do today. It just doesn’t make sense. Bring Isaac Newton to the present and I guarantee that you could crush his ass in a game of Trivial Pursuit.
What are some other authors that stupid people claim to read (but actually didn’t)?
*cough*Christopher Lasch
*sneeze* Richard Dawkins
*fart* Christopher Hitchens
“You have to leave,” the waitress whispered to me, “your life’s in danger.”
“Don’t worry sweetheart,” I replied, “these nachos can’t do nothin to me that crippling diabetes hasn’t already done.”
THE END
It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year: when America’s favorite bandwagon team, the Green Bay Packers, makes the playoffs and gets promptly bounced out by a lesser team.
To celebrate this event, during the 49ers game, I decided to choke on viagra pills. I collapsed on the floor and my wife stuck her fingers down my throat like a little baby and I threw up all over the carpet. My wife, god bless her, called 911. When the paramedics and firefighters showed up, they laughed in my face for wasting taxpayer money. But it worked because minutes later, Robbie Gould nailed a 45 yard field goal, sending San Francisco to the NFC championship.
This actually happened btw
So in solidarity with Aaron Rodgers and the Packers, I too decided to choke during the 4th quarter.
It’s a playoff miracle.
My heart can’t take it anymore…
Norm McDonald, Betty White, Sidney Poitier, Bob Saget, Meat Loaf….
…now Louis Anderson. AKA, the greatest Family Feud host. 😔😔😔
This is punishment from the gods. They’ve cursed us. They’ve cursed us forever. We angered them because of one simple mistake:
(Update: I’m 119 years old and I don’t understand technology. It doesn’t help that I lost the use of my left side brain at the Battle of Verdun. So forget all of this. It never happened. But I’m leaving this up because some of it is funny. I dunno. Then again I’ve been off my anticonvulsant meds the last few days)
So I was watching The Beastmaster when the Tanya Roberts bathing scene came on. I was about to “master” another “beast” if you know what I mean 😉😉😉 (Rip Torn gets me hot), but then I thought “I should create a Facebook page for my website!”
First, I tried setting up a business page, but Facebook forbids that with WordPress sites or some crap (or I have to buy some add-on, but I ain’t paying for that shit) so I set up a group page instead.
Here’s the link:
(not available)
“Why Facebook?” a question you’re probably not asking.
Because it’s the only social media site that doesn’t make me want to hire a hit man to set me on fire.
So come join! If you don’t then you probably have a tiny penis anyway. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just saying that you’re less of a man if you don’t join my group.
So if you want to regain your self-respect, you better join the Internet Ruined Everything group and meet other weirdos just like YOU.
“The world would be happier if men had the same capacity to be silent that they have to speak” -Baruch Spinoza
Ludwig Wittengenstein infamously had a similar quote: “Whereof one cannot speak, one must be silent.”
This is true. There’s no use in filling the air with senseless chatter about things we do not understand.
Like I don’t understand why I got laid off. I’ll spend hours in the basement with a bottle of Jim Beam and a loaded 22. My wife will ask if everything is alright and I’ll respond with “whereof one cannot speak, one must be silent.”
Truer words were never spoken.
