Aaron Burr. Deforest Kelley. Stonewall Jackson. Daniel Webster. JP Morgan. Dylan McDermott. Grover Cleveland. Henry Cabot Lodge. George Custer. Doc Holliday. Tom Cruise. Fatty Arbuckle. Hernando De Soto. Kaiser Wilhelm II. Norm Van Brocklin. William Jennings Bryan. William Jefferson Clinton. Johnny “Fuckin” Appleseed. Chip Kelly. Alfred Hitchcock. Adolf Hitler. Richard Nixon. Jim Jones. Bob Balaban. George Patton. George Kennedy. Howard Cosell. Jesus Christ. Bob Dole. Joe Rogan. Steve Urkel. Russell Brand. Dylan McDermott. Terry Crews. Terry Bradshaw. Terry Gilliam. Terry Ferrel. Terry O’Quinn. Terry Fox. Terry Prachett. Terry Chen. Terry Dodson. Preston Terry. And now Quentin Tarantino….
What do all these men have in common?
I hated them before all of you.
So remember: It always pays to jump on the hate train early 👍
If you don’t remember the 90s, don’t let anyone fool you: it sucked. It was an awkward time between the coked out free-for-all that was the 70s/80s and the rise of internet culture of the 2000s. So don’t buy into the bullshit nostalgia, I would know. I’m 107 years old and sharp as a tack.
With that being said, it did have its moments. Not many, but they were there. These were the only good movies that came out of that dump of a decade.
1. Dances With Wolves
You’ve read my apologetics and polemics regarding this Kevin Costner masterpiece. In sum, Costner out-directed Martin Scorsese and totally deserved his Oscar though no one cares to admit that.
But there’s one other thing that no one discusses: Kevin Costner’s bare ass juxtaposed against the endless South Dakota landscape 🥰
The only image that pops up when you Google “Kevin Costner’s bare asscheeks”
2. City Slickers
From what I recall about this film, in the midst of a midlife crises Billy Crystal gives birth to a cow and begins a passionate love affair with Jack Palance – all whilst herding cattle through the mountains of Montana. I remember enjoying it thoroughly. It was quite progressive for its time.
But it’s finest moment was in the opening act as a construction worker retells a story to a classroom full of kids.
3. Next Friday
I can hear you now. “But Next Friday came out in 2000 😭😭😭,” you say. Shut the fuck up! It was (probably) filmed in 1999 therefore making it a 90s movie.
Sure, Friday was also a good ass film. But Next Friday has Mike Epps and that alone makes it the superior movie. Plus it has this scene:
4. Blankman
If you know me, then you know that I’m a sucker for a good busting-your-pants scene:
5. Breakdown
Kurt Russell in the desert. He can’t find a place to shit. JT Walsh is a truck driver. He’s cruising for transgender prostitutes. Kathleen Quinlan. She’s fine AF. When their worlds collide, it’s like being smashed by semi truck at the bottom of a creek bed. Plus, lots of full frontal nudity from Walsh. Very underrated actor.
6. From Dusk Till Dawn
Some say QT can’t act. But have you ever seen From Dusk Till Dawn? Watch him go toe-to-toe with Harvey Keitel as he asks for an ice bucket.
I’m gonna go on a limb and say that this was QT, Robert Rodrigues, AND George Clooney’s finest hour.
And those are the only good movies from the 90s. Sorry folks 🤷♂️
I’m a completionist. I hate to give up on a film because it’s so shitty but that’s what happened while watching Abel Ferrara’s The Driller Killer. So take it from me, that film is only good for two things: reminding you 1.) that it must’ve sucked to have lived in NYC during the late 70s and 2.) first wave punk was GODAWFUL.
Thankfully, Tubi saved the day with two BANGERS, both with ‘skin’ in the title and both released in 1990.
Skinned Alive (1990)
I low-key loved this movie. So much so that I might add it to my Tubi Hall of Fame. It possesses many of the qualities I look for in a film, chiefly having a short runtime.
I almost certainly wasn’t the only one taken with the film. One of the many grotesque deaths bears a strong resemblance to Hitler’s death in Inglourious Basterds because Quentin Tarantino is a senseless hack (so am I, btw).
There’s also a striptease scene that made me absolutely sick to my stomach 👍
But what I find most charming about this movie is how it absolutely shits on the state of Ohio. Now I might’ve spent a grand total of 20 minutes in that state, but goddamnit, there’s something funny about that place.
What’s Skinned Alive about? Some insane family stops in a small town and raises hell. In case you couldn’t guess, this family skins people alive. Only a drunken, pathetic, ex-cop stands in their way.
The Reflecting Skin (1990)
I’m not sure that I would call this a ‘horror’ film, but I can see why many do. If you take the time to think about it, the story is absolutely terrifying and depressing.
An 8-year-old boy growing up somewhere in the midwest post-WWII gets verbally, emotionally, and physically abused while the bigoted police department investigate the deaths of local children. Meanwhile, the boy’s older brother, who’s probably dying from radiation poisoning, (and played by Viggo Mortensen), engages in a relationship with a woman that the boy believes to be a witch.
There’s no gore, few frightening images (worst of which is Viggo Mortensen’s ass cheeks), and no supernatural elements to speak of. So this might not satisfy all tastes. But it does have one thing going for it: NOTHING gets resolved and the movie ends with the boy screaming into the sunset.
I wasn’t quite sure what to make of The Reflecting Skin. I had to turn to IMDB to find answers, and that’s when I found this review, written by an abuse psychologist who found this to be the “most accurate depiction of abuse” he/she/them has ever seen:
I’ve always wondered how well horror and drama would mix. The only well-known example of this would be The Exorcist. But much like We Are The Flesh, answers don’t come easy and what you find might be depressing AF.
*****
But you know what’s NOT depressing?
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I’m glad that the films of Quentin Tarantino and Christopher Nolan are still considered events. Auteurism is dying in Hollywood but there are still remnants.
I’m not a fan of their films, but it’s still nice.
I know it’s heresy for film buffs to dislike Tarantino, but like Alabama in college football, his movies get evaluated by a different standard for better or worse. Even when it’s obvious that he didn’t put his best foot forward, like every movie he’s made in the last 15 years, Tarantino’s films get praised as if the film industry is about to go under. If you remove his name from most of his movies, you’d probably be wondering what the fuck you just watched.
Mind you, Pulp Fiction will stand the test of time. Jackie Brown should be better appreciated. Kill Bill Vol. I and II are what they are. But go back and watch Reservoir Dogs. It didn’t age well. Could this be the fate for all his retrospective reviews once when Tarantino retires from the biz (after he allegedly makes his “10th film”)?
Probably not, but I can hope.
I admit, Tarantino just isn’t my flavor. A perfect film, for me, transcends the medium. It’s gotta stick with me…reveal something about myself, about the universe, that I never realized. Tarantino the man, as reflected in his films, lacks that insight. He’s a film geek. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but that’s all that he’s capable of being.
I expect more out of films, not constantly getting nudged throughout a viewing, being reminded of some shitty Italian film from 40 years ago. Now I love schlock as much as the next guy, but art and schlock do not…cannot…mix.
Tarantino however wants to have it both ways. And that is a pipe dream.
He made a cool film once 30 years ago, most directors will never achieve that. But that doesn’t mean everything he’s made since has been a home run.
Really the same thing is true for Nolan. I personally think his success rate is greater than Tarantino’s. But Nolan probably thinks of himself as the Stanley Kubrick of mainstream blockbusters. That also screams trying to have it both ways.
But whatever dude, at least Insomnia, The Prestige, and The Dark Knight…the only superhero film I’ve ever liked…were damn good.
Phil Spector, Carrie Fisher, Stevie Nicks, and the greatest of all, Dennis Hopper, are all on the Mount Rushmore of cocaine addicts.
In case you forgot, Mr. Hopper was the star in over 104,000 films
Dennis Hopper brought an intensity to his craft that has yet to be matched. In addition to his acting, his talents also extended behind the camera as director of such unforgettable classics like The Last Movie, Colors, Out of the Blue, and Chasers (starring a peak form Tom Berenger).
The 1969 film, Easy Rider, Hopper’s directorial debut, kickstarted the “auteur” fad in Hollywood that extended throughout the 1970’s (which ended in 1983 when, again, three people were killed. And again, RIP). Sadly, the 70s saw Dennis Hopper’s acting career more or less flatline, which was likely due to his aforementioned cocaine addiction (which is unfortunate. The decline of his acting career that is. Not his crippling cocaine addiction).
However, there was a Dennis Hopper renaissance in the 1980s, with the height of his success coming in 1986 as the sadistic Frank Booth in Blue Velvet and the alcoholic Shooter in Hoosiers.
Hopper rode this newfound fame on into the 90s and 2000s, saying ‘yes’ to any script that was handed to him. Who can forget the time he fought Keanu Reeves on top of a train in Speed? Or taught Kevin Costner how to act in a bad movie for Waterworld? Or gave the greatest racist monologue in the history of film (written by Quentin Tarantino) in True Romance?
Dennis Hopper passed away in 2010.
No matter the script (remember, he was in Super Mario Bros.), no matter the personal dramas in his life, Dennis Hopper always gave it his all.
The Internet Ruined Everything 