Since I was absolutely 100% correct in my Super Bowl predictions, here are my predictions for the upcoming NFL season:
-Mike McCarthy will get fired less than six games into the season. Kellen Moore is named HC. Dallas Cowboys make the playoffs. Moore is named Coach of the Year.
-Jared Goff will be Comeback Player of the Year.
-Buffalo Bills, Los Angeles Chargers, and Las Vegas Raiders will all fall below expectations.
-Kevin Byard will be named Defensive Player of the Year.
-Tom Brady will have another 5000 yard season. Will NOT win MVP. Despite playing at a high level, he WILL retire at the end of the season and this time he’ll mean it.
-NFC Championship: Los Angeles Rams/Green Bay Packers
-AFC Championship: Kansas City Chiefs AND….The DENVER FUCKING BRONCOS!!!!!
-A player will expose himself on the sideline.
-Aaron Rodgers will have a bizarre press conference and people will begin wondering about his mental state if they weren’t doing so already. Will win another MVP.
-Aaron Donald will kill a man (non-player) on the field.
-A game will be moved back a day due to “safety concerns”
-Troy Aikman will cry while calling a game.
-Matt Rhule will pull a Steve Sarkisian, coach a game drunk, and WIN.
-The most rushing yards in a single season will be broken this year by Jonathan Taylor, Nick Chubb, or DAVID MONTGOMERY?!
As usual I stand by all of my predictions. So if you follow my advice, prepare your bank accounts. You’re about to be a millionaire.
Brett Farve is perilously close to being added to my real ass dude HOF. All he has to do now is kill someone and he’s automatically in.
Last I checked, Mississippi had just under 3 million people living there. Yet somehow Farve got himself involved in one of its biggest corruption scandals.
Allegedly, he didn’t know that he received embezzled money. But something tells me that it wasn’t because no one told him. It probably didn’t occur to him that what he was doing was unethical.
Hey, we all make our mistakes. But Brett Favre has a history of making mistakes that only real ass dudes make (making ill-advised throws, sending dick pics to reporters, wearing jorts, etc.)
So keep going Brett, you’re almost there. I’m rooting for ya!
…then why does he suck so much on Madden NFL mobile?
This is bullshit.
It doesn’t matter how much I upgrade him, he still overthrows receivers and tosses an ungodly amount of interceptions. Yet on rare occasion when he hits his mediocre receiver, like Christian Kirk, it’s like a 30 yard gain!
I built up an incredible O-line! If I hand the ball off to Nick Chubb, it’s an automatic touchdown! Yet Tom let’s me down every time smh.
Of course, I’m only playing the app due to procrastination. Writing a novel and having a blog sucks btw. Still tho, the developers need to pull their head out of their ass!
For a man that dresses like Larry the Cable Guy everyday (I’m not a redneck btw. I just like the aesthetic), I sure do appreciate men’s fashion.
Unfortunately, as all of you very well know, I’m cheap….often to my own detriment.
But these are some of my favorite men’s fashion icons and looks:
Daniel Craig
I’m straight, for the most part. But I will always make an exception for Daniel Craig.
The man can roll around in cow shit in his underwear and make it look good. As far as fashion is concerned, he can do no wrong.
He’s best known for playing James Bond. But, in my humble opinion, his finest fashion hour was in Layer Cake. That film is nearly 20 years old, yet he still makes those clothes look fresh.
Of course, it helps to have a body of a god.
Roy Williams
Fuck UNC and Tar Heel basketball! If it weren’t for Bart Ehrman (honestly, a fashion icon in his own right), Chapel Hill would be North Carolina’s landfill.
The only thing that it’s basketball program had going for it was Roy Williams’ fashion sense. You gotta admit that those were some dope ass blazers he wore.
Mike Tomlin
Mike Tomlin caught some flak a few years ago for not giving a flat fuck about being fashionable. But why should he?
He’s my favorite football coach for multiple reasons. He’s never had a losing season, and he can ROCK a pair of aviators, a baseball cap, and a headset.
Definitely the coolest coach in the NFL
The “70s college professor”
Nothing says sophistication like a corduroy jacket and sweater vest.
Add a pipe and suddenly you’re the smartest man in the room.
Turtleneck and Leather Jacket
Let’s be clear: this is the most powerful look a man could wear.
But who the fuck hires a defense attorney named RUSTY HARDIN? When you hire a guy like that, Deshaun Watson might as well wear a sign that says “I’m guilty AF but there’s nothing you can do about it.”
A lawyer like that comes stumbles drunk into a courtroom talkin like Foghorn Leghorn, then says something like “your honor, there is nothing constitutionally prohibiting my client from masturbating his exposed penis on a public bus! Where does the madness end?!!”
Nothing gives me more comfort than knowing that in this day and age of NCAA football, the Arkansas Razorbacks will never win a National Championship. They’re quietly the saltiest fans in all of sports.
Which is why this fake fair catch will always bring a smile to my face.
4. Justin Tucker’s 66 yard field goal– Baltimore Ravens vs. Detroit Lions
The misery of the Detroit Lions knows no depths (as we’ll see again later). Which is why it was perfect that the football gods chose them to be on the losing end of Justin Tucker’s record-setting field goal which will never be broken in my lifetime.
Unfortunately the NFL doesn’t want me sharing clips of the event (Roger Goodell told me personally) so from here on out, I have to share shitty camera phone angles from the stands.
3. Brett Farve’s worst fuckup in a career filled with fuckups- New Orleans Saints vs. Minnesota Vikings
Everyone jumped on the Vikings bandwagon that year. But I knew better.
How did I know?
Because one snake bitten franchise, the Minnesota Vikings, had Brett Favre as their quarterback. I’m mean, come on. Everyone had to have seen this coming.
2. Michael Vick droppin bombs on Washington– Philadelphia Eagles vs. Washington R*******
People ask me all the time: when did things start going wrong the Washington team, currently the biggest dumpster fire in all of sports?
It was this moment right here, when jailbird Michael Vick made one of the greatest throws in NFL history:
1. The Motor City Miracle– Green Bay Packers vs. Detroit Lions
Sure, Aaron Rodgers may be an pompous ass. But make no mistake: he can throw a football very, very far.
After seeing a completed pass like that, it should be clear to all Lions fans: God hates Detroit. 😔
He didn’t get drafted because the NFL is racist. He never advanced to a Super Bowl. And his number and name is in the rafters in a city he never played for.
Additionally, of all the NFL throwback games I find on YouTube involving the Houston Oilers, Moon loses in all of them (including, most infamously, “the Comeback”, which was not Moon’s fault). Fortunately, the NFL did the right thing, and put him in the HoF.
Now Moon played contemporaneously along side other HoF QBs like Joe Montana, Dan Marino, Jim Kelly, John Elway, Troy Aikman, Steve Young, and Brett Favre. And I gotta say: if I had to draft a QB from the guys on the list, I’d still take Warren Moon.
I prefer my football to be exciting. And once when the Oilers initiated the “Run and Shoot” offense, that shit was good. But more importantly, I prefer a strong-armed QB. Now Elway, Marino, and Favre had notoriously powerful arms, but it’s one thing to have a cannon. It’s another thing to harness that power. Moon perhaps wasn’t the most “accurate” QB (nobody really was back in those days), but when he threw the ball, it was a thing of beauty:
Nobody throws a spiral like that. I mean, I can. And have. But you can’t. Nor can any other NFL QB. Because there’s a whole science behind it:
It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year: when America’s favorite bandwagon team, the Green Bay Packers, makes the playoffs and gets promptly bounced out by a lesser team.
To celebrate this event, during the 49ers game, I decided to choke on viagra pills. I collapsed on the floor and my wife stuck her fingers down my throat like a little baby and I threw up all over the carpet. My wife, god bless her, called 911. When the paramedics and firefighters showed up, they laughed in my face for wasting taxpayer money. But it worked because minutes later, Robbie Gould nailed a 45 yard field goal, sending San Francisco to the NFC championship.
This actually happened btw
So in solidarity with Aaron Rodgers and the Packers, I too decided to choke during the 4th quarter.
In the National Football League, uniforms are important. It’s more important than in any other sport, anywhere.
If you’re gonna deliver an ass kicking, you better look good doing it. Because when you look your best, you play your best.
So here’s my ranking of all 32 uniforms, starting with #32-20.
32. Los Angeles Rams
What pisses me off about this is that the Rams did have THE BEST uniforms before SoFi Stadium got lazy and decided its two teams needed to have similar color schemes. I guess it’s too much work to redecorate the stadium each week. It’s not like any other stadium does that (MetLife).
But this new look just looks cheap: the logo, the fade from white to yellow, everything.
31. Cleveland Browns
Probably only me and Cleveland fans like the team logo: the orange helmet. But there’s nothing extraordinary about the Brown’s uniform, at least historically. And that’s okay. Being boring and underwhelming fits the team perfectly.
What pisses me off though is how they keep fucking with the basic design. Just leave well enough alone. Plus the number on the side of the helmet looks like shit. I don’t care if it’s for their “75th Anniversary” or whatever.
30. Philadelphia Eagles
Don’t get me wrong, the Eagles helmet might be the best design in the NFL. But that bluish-green just sucks. Go back to the Kelly green of the Randall Cunningham era.
29. Atlanta Falcons
The all-black uniform isn’t too bad. A red helmet would really make it pop though.
But the black top with white pants just sucks. And the “ATL” above the jersey number just looks lame.
28. Cincinnati Bengals
The uniform doesn’t look too bad in this picture. But it real time, it’s just underwhelming. Unfortunately this will be the Bengals for the next 40 years because Cincinnati has the cheapest and most unoriginal ownership in the league.
Too bad we can’t fire owners.
27. Arizona Cardinals
There’s nothing wrong with boring. Apparently, some Arizona fans have embraced this plain look. But if you’re gonna be boring, embrace it. Ditch any sort of subtle design and stripes and just use straight red jerseys, socks, and white pants.
26. New York Jets
This new design doesn’t upset me as it does others. The all-black alternates suck though. Again, it’s just underwhelming, much like the franchise as a whole.
25. Houston Texans
Houston quietly has one of the best logos in the league. But those blue jerseys are unoriginal. They should make the red alternates the full-time uniform.
24. Seattle Seahawks
Seattle has never had a good uniform. And I absolutely HATED this one when I first saw it. But then Russell Wilson happened and this is slowly becoming one of the classic uniforms in the league.
23. Chicago Bears
Eh. I don’t know. Truthfully I didn’t know where to place this one. There’s a lot of history to this uniform, so I’ll cut it some slack. But some of the alternates are preferable.
22. Miami Dolphins
Some love this color combo. I don’t. But I respect it. Just thinking about Dan Marino slinging it while wearing number 13 gives me the goosebumps. But that new logo is terrible.
21. Denver Broncos
I hate the old late-90s redesign that was used primarily before the Payton Manning era. Luckily they’ve moved away from that, and replaced it with the superior orange jerseys. Now they just need to replace that dumb Bronco logo for the old Denver ‘D’. That would look pretty dope on that helmet.
20. Baltimore Ravens
Sometimes this uniform looks cool, especially against AFC North teams and Washington. Sometimes it sucks. They should ditch the gold lining around the numbers and the all-black alternates. Otherwise, this is a pretty solid uniform.
The Internet Ruined Everything 