GOAT

Poor Warren Moon.

He didn’t get drafted because the NFL is racist. He never advanced to a Super Bowl. And his number and name is in the rafters in a city he never played for.

Additionally, of all the NFL throwback games I find on YouTube involving the Houston Oilers, Moon loses in all of them (including, most infamously, “the Comeback”, which was not Moon’s fault). Fortunately, the NFL did the right thing, and put him in the HoF.

Now Moon played contemporaneously along side other HoF QBs like Joe Montana, Dan Marino, Jim Kelly, John Elway, Troy Aikman, Steve Young, and Brett Favre. And I gotta say: if I had to draft a QB from the guys on the list, I’d still take Warren Moon.

I prefer my football to be exciting. And once when the Oilers initiated the “Run and Shoot” offense, that shit was good. But more importantly, I prefer a strong-armed QB. Now Elway, Marino, and Favre had notoriously powerful arms, but it’s one thing to have a cannon. It’s another thing to harness that power. Moon perhaps wasn’t the most “accurate” QB (nobody really was back in those days), but when he threw the ball, it was a thing of beauty:

Nobody throws a spiral like that. I mean, I can. And have. But you can’t. Nor can any other NFL QB. Because there’s a whole science behind it:

the art of choking

It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year: when America’s favorite bandwagon team, the Green Bay Packers, makes the playoffs and gets promptly bounced out by a lesser team.

To celebrate this event, during the 49ers game, I decided to choke on viagra pills. I collapsed on the floor and my wife stuck her fingers down my throat like a little baby and I threw up all over the carpet. My wife, god bless her, called 911. When the paramedics and firefighters showed up, they laughed in my face for wasting taxpayer money. But it worked because minutes later, Robbie Gould nailed a 45 yard field goal, sending San Francisco to the NFC championship.

This actually happened btw

So in solidarity with Aaron Rodgers and the Packers, I too decided to choke during the 4th quarter.

It’s a playoff miracle.

Ranking the NFL uniforms (Part 1)

In the National Football League, uniforms are important. It’s more important than in any other sport, anywhere.

If you’re gonna deliver an ass kicking, you better look good doing it. Because when you look your best, you play your best.

So here’s my ranking of all 32 uniforms, starting with #32-20.

32. Los Angeles Rams

What pisses me off about this is that the Rams did have THE BEST uniforms before SoFi Stadium got lazy and decided its two teams needed to have similar color schemes. I guess it’s too much work to redecorate the stadium each week. It’s not like any other stadium does that (MetLife).

But this new look just looks cheap: the logo, the fade from white to yellow, everything.

31. Cleveland Browns

Probably only me and Cleveland fans like the team logo: the orange helmet. But there’s nothing extraordinary about the Brown’s uniform, at least historically. And that’s okay. Being boring and underwhelming fits the team perfectly.

What pisses me off though is how they keep fucking with the basic design. Just leave well enough alone. Plus the number on the side of the helmet looks like shit. I don’t care if it’s for their “75th Anniversary” or whatever.

30. Philadelphia Eagles

Don’t get me wrong, the Eagles helmet might be the best design in the NFL. But that bluish-green just sucks. Go back to the Kelly green of the Randall Cunningham era.

29. Atlanta Falcons

The all-black uniform isn’t too bad. A red helmet would really make it pop though.

But the black top with white pants just sucks. And the “ATL” above the jersey number just looks lame.

28. Cincinnati Bengals

The uniform doesn’t look too bad in this picture. But it real time, it’s just underwhelming. Unfortunately this will be the Bengals for the next 40 years because Cincinnati has the cheapest and most unoriginal ownership in the league.

Too bad we can’t fire owners.

27. Arizona Cardinals

There’s nothing wrong with boring. Apparently, some Arizona fans have embraced this plain look. But if you’re gonna be boring, embrace it. Ditch any sort of subtle design and stripes and just use straight red jerseys, socks, and white pants.

26. New York Jets

This new design doesn’t upset me as it does others. The all-black alternates suck though. Again, it’s just underwhelming, much like the franchise as a whole.

25. Houston Texans

Houston quietly has one of the best logos in the league. But those blue jerseys are unoriginal. They should make the red alternates the full-time uniform.

24. Seattle Seahawks

Seattle has never had a good uniform. And I absolutely HATED this one when I first saw it. But then Russell Wilson happened and this is slowly becoming one of the classic uniforms in the league.

23. Chicago Bears

Eh. I don’t know. Truthfully I didn’t know where to place this one. There’s a lot of history to this uniform, so I’ll cut it some slack. But some of the alternates are preferable.

22. Miami Dolphins

Some love this color combo. I don’t. But I respect it. Just thinking about Dan Marino slinging it while wearing number 13 gives me the goosebumps. But that new logo is terrible.

21. Denver Broncos

I hate the old late-90s redesign that was used primarily before the Payton Manning era. Luckily they’ve moved away from that, and replaced it with the superior orange jerseys. Now they just need to replace that dumb Bronco logo for the old Denver ‘D’. That would look pretty dope on that helmet.

20. Baltimore Ravens

Sometimes this uniform looks cool, especially against AFC North teams and Washington. Sometimes it sucks. They should ditch the gold lining around the numbers and the all-black alternates. Otherwise, this is a pretty solid uniform.