Tetris, blackberries, and air Jordans

Now that Hollywood is making boring movies about boring subjects…like Tetris and BlackBerries…why don’t they make a movie about Giga Pets and MySpace?

Those things were way cooler anyway. I can imagine it now:

Bryan Cranston as a lonely toy developer that wants to punish children by subjecting them to the stresses of keeping something alive; a washed-up Adrien Brody stakes his comeback by playing Tom Anderson who compulsively masturbates to Internet pornography as he gains inspiration for MySpace.

What the hell started this trend anyway? Who’s asking for these movies to get made?

I’ll admit, Moneyball was good. But that’s really the only highlight from this odd genre. Critics loved The Founder at the time, but does anyone talk about it nowadays?

I consider The Offer another example here. I imagine that we’ll be seeing more of “making of” dramas of our favorite movies in the near future. But we’ll know all of these stories will have happy endings. So Hollywood, if any of you degenerates are reading, here’s a suggestion for ya’ll:

The making of Michael Cimino’s Heaven’s Gate: the movie that nearly destroyed Tinseltown.

A word of advice

I’m a veteran of various online battles during the 00s, from the days of IMDB message boards to the message boards of Reddit and Free Republic. I also dabbled in shitposting and trolling on Twitter and the days of MySpace. I officially retired in 2020.

Kids point and laugh at my advanced age, but let me tell ya something: there ain’t nothing I haven’t seen. So listen to me when I say that NO ONE is undefeated in internet battles.

I’m not gonna name any names, but I’ve seen one too many caustic personalities, championed by their legion of followers, playing with fire. Remember all the pre-2016 trolls that created an internet culture which led to Donald Trump? They’re all laughingstocks now. You think your followers will always have your back? That’s a false sense of security. The sad reality is that all of your followers have a love/hate relationship with you.

They WANT to see you fail.

And the bigger you are, the harder you fall. So heed my advice, grasshopper: one day you will get absolutely OWNED. So choose your battles wisely.

Personal note: I was not referencing you Joe Newcomer. Keep up the good fight 😁👍

The 00s sucked peen

Ah 9/11….

Now THOSE were the days!

I know “physically” I’m in my 30s, but in my heart I will always be 109 and counting down the days until death relieves me of this pitiful life.

But because my formative years took place during the 00s, I’m supposed to feel a sense of nostalgia for them.

Fuck that.

It was a TERRIBLE decade: the death of rock/metal, 9/11, the Great Recession, Hurricane Katrina, the first run of the New England Patriots dynasty, Iraq, Afghanistan…and aesthetically it was a cheap knockoff of the 90s.

I’m sorry, but it sucked. And we all knew it.

Of course, occasionally I’ll listen to Three Doors Down and Shaggy then think “oh yeah, this was the shit,” while I reminisce about sitting on a dirty ass floor and playing the first Halo.

But the only thing WORTH remembering was MySpace. Remember how dope that shit was? You could customize your page, add a song, post half-nudes because that’s what people expected you to do. Why we abandoned that in favor of Facebook I will never understand.

I know that people I graduated with are starting to feel their age. They’re now working along side adults that don’t REMEMBER 9/11. Yeah that sucks, but you know what else sucks?

Three Doors Down and the 00s.

So be happy you escaped that shit.