Good fucking riddance 🫡

So according to RedLetterMedia, along with the rest of the internet, movie theaters are dead.

Thank GOD, am I right?

I know that theater-going has been a religious-like experience for cinephiles for nearly 100 years. It sucks peen to some extent with the implication being that movies no longer hold the cultural relevance they once did. But with the supposed “death of theaters” something good is happening, I think.

Hear me out.

This is of course easy for me to say considering I’ve only been to the theaters maybe three times in the last decade. Many filmmakers would argue that movies are meant to be seen on the silver screen. This is of course an antiquated argument. With advancements in home theater technology, the theater is almost a hassle. Depending on which market you live in, going to the movies could cost nearly $50 with concessions. This is to say nothing about having to sit in a room with people who have no respect for the sanctity of watching a movie. To be honest, I never much understood the “communal experience” of the theater. I simply don’t give enough shit about other people’s raw emotions regarding a picture. My best experiences at the theater have been at matinees with maybe one other person in attendance; so in other words, it’s mostly me and my OWN thoughts. THAT’S how god intended movies to be watched. And if that’s the case, then the home theater has nullified the movie theater.

But I did mention that this is a good thing right? Because this is evolution; and cinema is evolving into a higher stage of art appreciation. It’s idiotic to associate the death of theaters with the death of cinema as a whole. We can piss and moan about the Internet and streaming services all day, but the fact is those two things have contributed to an even greater appreciation and interest in movies. Even in the shitty ones! Crap that was pumped out in the 70s and 80s and were largely forgotten for 30 years are finally having their day in court! I thought I was all alone in the world when I balled my eyes out while watching The Deer Hunter at 11 years old. Now, 106 years later, every dick and titty swinger on this planet has got opinions about that film! So contrary to popular opinion, I think movies are more popular than ever.

It’s just a couple of things have happened that has led to this paradigm shift in movie going experience: 1) movie theaters have become obnoxious and expensive. 2) wide scale releases have been limited to big-budget tentpole films. 3) competition from television and streaming services have likely contributed to more refined tastes (this one is more speculative). And 4) it’s cheaper to stay home and wait for the movie to hit Netflix or Amazon Prime.

Death of a theater

There’s a lot of bitching about the supposed death of movie theaters. The argument goes that the only way to appreciate filmmaking is on the silver screen with a fellow audience. Because of the proliferation of internet streaming, the communal experience cinema has fallen by the wayside.

Do I agree with this assessment?

Yes.

Do I give a shit?

No.

Perhaps I became a cinephile at the wrong time. I mean, I get it. I really do. But the dynamics of the filmgoing experience has changed. And that’s alright. EVERYTHING changes at some time or another.

But I quit caring about movie theaters a long time ago. Long before COVID even. The last time I’ve been to a theater was in 2017 to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi. This is largely because I have truthfully never bought into the “communal experience” of watching a movie.

I remember watching Joe Dirt in theaters long ago. I realized it was funny before everyone else did; before it became a cult classic. When Joe Dirt threatened to blow up the Grand Canyon and got poop spilled all over him, I laughed hysterically. Everyone else sat in their seats stone-faced. Audiences (except for me, of course) wouldn’t know what was funny if it bit them in the nuts. So fuck what other people think.

My argument is this: if you want to enjoy a movie, it has to be just YOU and the film. My love of cinema didn’t start in the theater. It started at 11 years old, after midnight, while watching Taxi Driver on Cinemax. Of course I was watching Cinemax at that hour to see some gratuitous T&A. At least initially. In fact, if anyone caught me, I would have probably quickly switched to porn and denied I was watching the classics of cinema. The first time I watched 2001: A Space Odyssey, it was with some friends and, to be cool, I had to say it was the most boring thing I’ve ever seen. But in my heart, I knew it was genius. At 12 years old, I stayed up late to watch The Deer Hunter and cried myself to sleep. I never told anyone that until years later. Enjoying a movie, to me, should be an intimate experience; it should reveal things about yourself both good and bad…things that you may never tell another living soul. THAT’S the power of filmmaking.

This isn’t to say that theaters don’t have their purpose. But I’d argue that theaters simply offer the spectacle of film. They serve a similar purpose to churches. Sure, everyone can come together and listen to a sermon, but to have a truly transcendental religious experience, one must transcend the spectacle and enter a state of gnosis; of opening one’s mind to things unseen. Movies can be more than a spectacle. They can be a revelation.

Honestly, the slow death of movie theaters probably started with VHS.

food sucks

Of all the human experiences, eating is the most overrated.

Fucking is the second most.

I get pissed whenever I’m hungry. I have to stop whatever I’m doing and shove some form of digestible objects into my face hole. I hate it.

I eat to live. Not live to eat.

“How do you like your steak?” people always ask me.

Fuck steak!

“But sir, you’re eating spiders off the ground.”

So?

God put them there.

Cooking is the biggest waste of time. You spend 30 minutes making something that you’ll only enjoy for 10? Fuck that.

“But you’re missing out on one of the great pleasures in life,” you might say.

No. Drugs and alcohol are pleasurable. Food is for survival.

And there’s free food all around us. So don’t judge me for eating the popcorn on the theater floor.

Joke’s on you.