What women want

Folks, I’m just not convinced that AI is there yet. I mean, it’s close. But it’s still got a long way to go.

I asked ChatGPT a simple question:

“Can you write a story in the style of Werner Herzog where Mel Gibson makes a career change into daytime talk show host and falls in love with Helen Hunt? The conflict of the story arises when Bill Paxton, with the help of voodoo, comes back to life and proclaims his love for Hunt due to the time they spent together while filming Twister?”

And this is what it spat back:

In the unforgiving abyss of Hollywood’s relentless pursuit of dreams, Mel Gibson, a man scarred by the tumultuous storms of his own making, stumbled into the bizarre domain of daytime talk shows. Here, under the harsh studio lights, he sought solace in the company of Helen Hunt, a fragile oasis in the arid desert of fame.

In this surreal landscape, their scripted dialogues became a mere façade, concealing a silent dance of longing and connection. But as the fragile tendrils of their intimacy began to take root, a specter from the past emerged, defying the laws of mortality.

Bill Paxton, thought to be lost to the annals of time, returned with an eerie vitality, guided by the obscure forces of voodoo. In a haunting proclamation, Paxton declared an undying love for Hunt, fueled by the tempestuous days spent together in the midst of twisters during the filming of Twister.

The studio, once a haven for contrived laughter, transformed into a battleground of ethereal forces and human emotions. Under Herzog’s lens, the tale unfolded as a surreal expedition into the wilderness of desire and spectral resurrections. Gibson found himself ensnared in a cosmic dilemma, torn between the echoes of his own transgressions and the enigmatic forces that dictated the affairs of the heart.

The narrative echoed Herzog’s signature exploration of the human condition, a stark voyage into the fragile tapestry of connections woven against the harsh backdrop of Hollywood’s existential uncertainties. As the characters grappled with the unfathomable, the question lingered: could Gibson navigate the tumultuous currents of love and redemption, or would he remain a captive of the spectral winds that carried the echoes of a tumultuous past?”

It’s good, but I wanted a little more. Ya know?

Not another Jesus movie

Martin Scorsese has gone on record saying that he’d like to make (another) film about Jesus Christ. I mean, Jesus Christ! How many movies do we need about this guy?

Actually, I don’t have a problem with it. I just wish someone made a movie that questions the Gospel narrative. That’s why I find Scorsese’s other Jesus flick The Last Temptation of Christ to be an interesting (but not great) film.

This is probably the only instance where filmmakers should actually follow real history to provide a dramatic narrative. In filmmaking, or storytelling in general, sometimes it helps to deviate from history to provide a more engaging story. Not that we know a lot about Jesus’s life anyway, but what we DO know about life in first century Judea would provide a fascinating backdrop. If a writer used this knowledge and took creative liberties with the Gospels, they’d have a unique – and violent – story about Jesus of Nazareth.

This is why Paul Verhoeven needs needs to make his Jesus movie while he still can. According to my research (that I will not cite), Verhoeven was the only atheist admitted to the controversial Jesus Seminar back in the day. He’s also written his own biography on Jesus, simply called Jesus of Nazareth. So needless to say, he’s a scholar on the subject.

But Verhoeven is one of the great unsung directors of our time. He’s not afraid of…nay, he INVITES…controversy. And he’s 84 years old. So if Mel Gibson gets to make an unnecessary sequel to his Jesus film, Verhoeven deserves to get his shot.

Redemption in Jeopardy!

This is no fantasy; no hellish dream of Orwellian proportions. The future is today.

And it honestly, it could be worse.

I have nothing against AI. To paraphrase Slavoj Zizek, “computers are stupid.” Of course, I could be wrong. And if I am, then sorry humanity! You had your moment and you pissed it away. So if AI wishes to replace us, then it has my full support.

Now I can understand the concerns of artists. It is entirely possible that AI will one day replace the necessity for the human touch in regards to creating art. But until that day comes, I will continue to find what AI produces to be hilarious.

The other night, I used ChatGPT to workshop a few ideas. If you don’t follow me on Instagram, allow me to introduce Saturday Night Live as written and hosted by Cormac McCarthy:

And here’s a Burger King commercial, also written by Cormac McCarthy:

After I had AI generate a Don Draper pitch for deodorant (while using a pair of nunchucks), I decided to do some real work. So I asked myself: could AI generate a story of hope and redemption?

And ladies and gentlemen, here are the results:

If this is the future, I welcome it with open arms.

The First Coming (preamble)

“Art thrives on limitations,” Nicholas Meyer once said.

Well this next story will put that theory to the test thanks to the limitations of its author: me.

Obviously I’ve been struggling with writer’s block for the past month. But the discovery of “Christian erotica” has awoken me from my creative slumber.

I have never written a romance story. I’ve never read one either. It’s not my thing, ya know? Plus, as a closet asexual, I don’t know what it’s like to have sex.

“But don’t you have children?” you might ask.

Sure. But I only have sex for procreation. I have never once enjoyed coming. After an orgasm, I express gratitude to my partner and we shake hands. So I’m going into this subject cold. Additionally, this will be a “Christian” story intended for a “Christian” audience.

“Why?” you might be asking. Well like I said: art thrives on limitations. But there’s another question I want to answer: can a Christian story…intended for a Christian audience…be good as opposed to absolute dogshit like most religious entertainment?

The Passion of the Christ was a decent movie from what I recall. But Mel Gibson is insane. Depictions of graphic violence is kinda his art. But like Mel Gibson, I am also insane and you have to be a little off your rocker to achieve a degree of artistic genius. I’m not saying that I’m a genius, of course. I’m just saying that I’m a clinically insane person and that’s why I’m doing this.

From my understanding, “Christian erotica” typically requires the story to revolve around a married couple. But that’s gross. So I’m gonna try to push the boundaries a little by centering it on a single woman and her desire for premarital sex with a particular man.

And that’s as far as I’ve gotten with the story. I’ll be winging it from there.

Now, some of you might have noticed that my last few stories have been somewhat “Christian”-based: According to Simon and whatever I called that one sci-fi story. But I assure you, I only pretend to be a Jehovah’s Witness online (I actually converted to Mormonism yesterday). So no worries 😉

I’ll have the opening chapter of the story posted the next time I take a shit at work.

TO BE CONTINUED…