Tell us a little bit about yourself.
That’s none of your goddamn business.
What made you start blogging?
That’s an interesting question, self. I think it was because I was trying to quit dipping so I was PISSED 24/7. Not at anything in particular, ya know? I just just wanted to be another lunatic yelling into the void of the internet. That’s the motivation behind all of my writing: I hate you, I think you’re stupid, and the world would be a much better place if everyone thought exactly like me. Some of that anger has tapered off though. Mostly because I went back to dipping.
Have you always been an angry person?
Actually, once upon a time, I was able to let most things roll of my back. But then I got got caught up in a pseudo-cult where I was emotionally abused daily, so I’ve got a lot of untreated PTSD.
Why do you think the world is dumb?
I didn’t say the world is dumb. Stop spinning my words. I said that it was stupid and pathetic. And that’s completely due to the fact that I’m not in control of it.
What would do if you were?
You know, I’ve thought long and hard about that. And speaking of long and hard, I’d probably make the metric system universal because 10.16 cm sounds a lot bigger than 4 inches.
What would you do about climate change?
I don’t see what the problem is. Florida’s gonna be underwater in a few years, so I say let it happen.
Who was your biggest hero growing up?
What would you do if you had $10 Billion?
Put it all on the Milwaukee Brewers winning the World Series. Also, probably light a few bills on fire.
What’s your proudest accomplishment?
Most people would say “graduating from college”, or “birth of a child”, or “becoming financially stable” or blah blah blah. Nah. For me, it was in high school when some girls made a ranking of the hottest guys in school and I ranked. It’s been all downhill from there.
What advice would you give the next generation?
Do all the drugs. Except meth. Have some respect for yourself for fuck’s sake.
When are you gonna finish writing According to Simon?
Having some story problems. Turns out that I’m not a historian. Plus there’s not a lot of opportunities for fart and piss jokes. So give it some time.
Thank you for your time
Who the hell are you?