“What’s it gonna be Luigi?” Mr. Leather said with his tommy gun.
Luigi paused and slowly lowered me to the ground. Leather pointed his tommy at Michaela.
“You’re not gonna get away with this,” she said.
“Beat it bitch,” he replied.
Luigi quickly reached for his sidearm. Mr. Leather unleashed his machine gun, blasting holes and blood everywhere. Luigi smashed through the window, falling five stories to the ground.
If the bullets didn’t kill him, the fall certainly did.
Michaela pulled a single shot derringer out of the bosom of her dress, hitting Mr. Leather in the stomach. She ran out the room. I ran over to him.
“We gotta get you to the hospital,” I said.
“Can’t. They’ll take me to prison.”
“I was a medic in the Army, I can probably stop the bleeding,” I replied.
“I’d rather go to prison.”
I helped the blood soaked Mr. Leather to the car. As we sped out of there, he took out a cigarette.
“Where you taking me?” he asked.
“The only place we can go.”
We arrived at the Big Bear cabin early in the morning. Isabella helped carry the wounded man inside.
“Who is this guy?” she asked.
“You know,” I thought for a moment. “That’s a good question.”
As Mr. Leather began fading in and out of consciousness, he began speaking to Isabella.
“Am fost îngerul păzitor al tatălui tău. Și sunt și a ta. Dar timpul meu este aproape terminat. Ai încredere în acest om prost,” he said.
“Am știut întotdeauna,” she replied.
“What did he say?” I asked.
“It’s not important,” Isabella said. “He doesn’t have long.”
“Obviously!”
“Just let me die,” Mr. Leather said. “It’s time.”
“Are you ever going to tell me who you are?” I asked.
“Fuck off,” he replied.
I shrugged and did what I could to stop the bleeding. I stayed by his side all morning.
“What’s the deal with Isabella?” I asked him.
“Poor girl,” he said. “Vito had her mother killed when she was just a little girl. Vito never understood his daughter. She grew up lonely, neglected by her own family.”
“Why did Vito kill her mother?” I replied.
“I’ll never tell.”
“Did you kill her?”
There was no reply. The mysterious man was no more.
I buried him that evening.
Isabella joined me outside over his shallow grave. I took out another cigarette.
“I don’t know if this guy was a pervert or your guardian angel. But either way, I think he was your biggest fan,” I told her.
“Michaela will find us,” she replied. “We gotta move.”
I handed her the money out of Mr. Leather’s wallet, then I emptied out my own.
“Take this,” I said. “Go to New York. Go do Broadway. Go do stand up. Go do something with your life. That’s what our mystery man would have wanted.”
“What are you going to do?” she asked.
“My father buried an entire arsenal from his time in Korea under this land. I outta put it to use.”
Being a parent has been the most rewarding experience of my life. My son’s a beautiful soul and it’s my responsibility to see him grow into a respectable adult.
The worst thing about parenting though? Other parents.
Kids are smarter than their parents. It’s true. I’ve become a complete fuckin’ moron since becoming a dad. You’re kids will grow up to be smarter than you.
So just remember that next time you get pissed at them: they’ll remember what you did, because you’re an idiot, and it’ll stay with them the rest of their lives.
Which is why it kinda annoys me to see parents get all giddy when they see an opportunity to beat the shit out of their kids. Actually, it pisses me off.
Of course, it’s done under the guise of “punishment” and “character building.” But in actuality, the parent is performing retribution or justification for what their parents did to them.
“Sometimes kids are little shits though” you might say.
So are you, but no one (usually) knocks you up the side of the head.
The justification I always hear is “that’s what’s wrong with this generation. Their parents don’t beat em anymore.” When I’ve heard this, it’s in reference to the prevalence of school shooters.
But show me a school shooter, and I’ll show you a kid that got their ass kicked by their parents.
But if you genuinely believe that there is something wrong with “this generation,” then it’s your fault. Or it’s your parents fault.
If you want a better generation, then don’t make the same mistakes your parents did, and have the humility to learn from your own.
“Oh, who are you? Mr. Perfect Dad of the Year?” you say.
I took the Sunday drive up to San Luis Obispo in my Chevy SSR to visit Isabella’s father, the mafioso Roberto Benigni Vittorio Stararo. Or “Vito”.
The county sheriff pulled me over.
“You don’t know what you’re getting into James,” the sheriff said.
“Just hand me the ticket so that I can be on my way,” I replied.
The sheriff wrote up the ticket and gave me another warning: “I better not see you or this piece of shit vehicle in my county again.”
Asshole.
I pulled up to Stararo’s estate. His wife came out to greet me.
“I’m Michaela Sabine Stararo,” she said. “Vito is fox hunting. He’ll be joining us shortly.”
She was wearing a white blouse tucked into her equestrian pants with boots. Her figure could make a man wish he wore roomier trousers.
Michaela invited me in and offered a Chardonnay.
“Are you Isabella’s mother?” I asked.
“Her step-mother. Poor girl. She never got to know her real mother,” she replied.
I took a sip of the Chardonnay. It was Laguiche, ‘09.
“It must be rough being an LA detective,” Michaela said.
“If people quit disappearing and fucking around on their spouses, I’d be out of a job.”
Vito walked in with his Winchester. “È questo il detective idiota assunto dal mio socio?” he said.
“The fuck did he say?” I asked Michaela.
“Vito welcomes you into his home,” she replied.
Vito had to of been 90 if he was a day. Michaela was clearly a distraction from that fact. Still, tough old man. He pulled out a cigar and poured a Chardonnay.
“Quindi questo perdente pensa di poter trovare mia figlia?” he asked.
I looked over to Michaela.
“Vito is prepared to give you all the information you need to find his daughter,” she said.
“I need to know her entire background. Who her friends are. Her lovers. Her enemies. And any enemies that you might have, Mr. Stararo,” I said.
“Chiamami Vito,” he replied.
We talked for hours discussing the case. We went through the bottle of Chardonnay. Then another. Then came the brandy.
As I prepared to leave, Michaela came up to me. “LA is a long drive,” she said. “Why don’t you stay in the guest house. I’ll have the servants prepare it.”
Why not, I thought. It sure beats sleeping in a burned down apartment building.
As I was laying in bed, Michaela came in wearing a silk robe. She slowly walked towards the bedside.
At the premier, Pablo, Pee-Wee, and Dick Earnhardt were all decked out in their tuxedos. Kathrine was wearing her Louis Vuttoin gown, smiling and waving to the cameras. Even Dillon made an appearance.
I just threw on a clean shirt and cologne and called it a day.
At the press junket, I was asked “how would you describe this film?”, I said:
“Well it’s got some tits, dick, goblins, and swords. It’s alright I guess.”
We all sat down in our seats. When the title This Tastes Like Ass appeared on the screen, I fell asleep.
Pee-Wee nudged me when the end credits were rolling. The audience was walking out and wouldn’t make eye contact with me.
I went home and cracked open a beer. “Take that Hollywood!” I said. Then went to bed.
The next morning, critics presented their reviews:
“A cinematic experience that can’t be matched. It’s literally impossible,” read the Fort Worth Telegram.
“The filmmakers were clearly drugged out of their minds, but damn it, it works. It’ll make you horny. It’ll make you laugh. It’ll make you depressed to the point of insanity. But there’s something there that transcends the capabilities of human language,” read the Des Moines Register.
The reviews were unanimous: the gratuitous nudity, the unsimulated sex from A-list stars, the excessive violence, the absurd and almost non-existent plot…it was unique in the history of film. Nothing could compare.
When I accepted my Academy Awards (not THOSE Academy Awards) for Best Actor, Best Director, and Best Screenplay, I said:
“All you mother fuckers doubted me. You said I was too old, too stupid, and too ugly to make it in this town. Well now look at me. I’m up here and you’re down there. You’re all sick and pathetic.”
Kathrine received her accolades as well. As producer, she was awarded the Best Picture Oscar (again, not THOSE Oscars). She later succeeded Dick Earnhardt as CEO after his untimely death from viagra poisoning. She became the toast of the town.
But my point was made.
A reporter later came to me and asked, “Now that you’ve conquered Hollywood, what are you going to do now?”
Kathrine and I screened the raw, unedited cut with Dick Earnhardt, CEO of Trainwreck Productions. After the 14 hour version was finished, silence fell over the room.
“Sir, I can explain,” Kathrine said.
“Kathy, please leave the room,” Mr. Earnhardt said.
She pushed her chair away from the table and left in frustration. I sat there eating my crackers.
“Pretty good shit, huh?” I said.
Mr. Earnhardt stood up and paced across the room. He took one shot of whisky. Then another. He sat back down at the table facing me.
“I’ve spent $900 million on this production,” he said. “I’ve given you every possible resource, every possible opportunity to see your vision realized.”
Mr. Earnhardt paused.
“Bob Oglesby was a great man. He’s a legend in this town. He believed in you and your talents. He thought that you were going to save this industry,” he continued.
“Damn,” I said as I munched.
“And Kathy has done everything she can to fuck that up,” Dick concluded.
I dropped my crackers.
“Really?” I asked.
“Son, this is my last hoorah. I’ve made so much money that I could bankrupt this county, and have. I’ve banged every prostitute, male and female, from here to Denver. I’ve done every drug that can be taken. I was popping viagra before it was cool to do so. I haven’t done an honest day’s work in 20 years and hope to never do so again. In short: I do not give a shit.”
“So, what are you telling me?” I asked.
“The board wants me out, they say Kathy is the future. This is her production, but I’m in control of the money. So I am giving you a blank check to complete this film in the way you see fit,” Dick stated.
“Why are there elves, knights, zombies, elephants, strippers, piñatas, ghosts, conquistadors, clowns, aliens, hot air balloons, ninjas, and Mel Gibson here? What happened to the Nazi storm troopers and decaying dead bodies? I thought that this was a film about the atrocities of World War II?” she asked.
“We wrote another draft,” I said. “It’s now a fantasy film set in the Middle Ages. I thought Dillon told you.”
“That’s it!” she replied. “I’m pulling the plug on this project.”
“But you already spent $430 million on advertising costs alone. The studio will be pissed.”
“James, you listen here,” Kathrine continued. “Do not go behind my back again. I will put you back on the streets.”
She stormed off. I walked up to Pee-Wee.
“What’s on the schedule for today Pee-Wee?” I asked.
“Today we’re shooting the scene where the hero and villain are jousting to save the princess…with their penises.”
So I grabbed a coffee before I started the morning meeting with the cast and crew. Dillon showed up strung out and agitated.
“I got to talk to you about the script,” he told me.
“What’s up?”
“When the princess says ‘you saved me’, the hero has to blast ropes all over her right then, or else he’s just blowing his wad too soon.”
“Dillon,” I said. “We talked about this. The hero has to blast ropes all over the villain. That’s how he defeats him. Or else the script just doesn’t make sense!”
“Well I can’t direct this film if you’re not giving me the creative freedom to do my job?”
“So are you walking?”
“I’m walking.”
And just like that, Dillon was out of the picture. The cast and crew stood around, waiting for direction.
I looked over to the two male leads.
“Welp, Bill (Shatner) and Chris (Pratt),” (But not THOSE Bill Shatner and Chris Pratt). “Whip them dicks out! We’re behind schedule!”
“I’m Dillon J Dudenburg. I’ve directed softcore porn. I’ve directed hardcore porn. I’ve also directed episodes of Dharma and Greg. I’ve studied under David A. Pryor, Andy Sidaris, and Godfrey Ho. I’m ready for the Big Screen. However I have some concerns with the script.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“I think we need to make the lead a heterosexual. I don’t think the Chinese market is ready for that sort of thing. But we can keep in all the gay sex,” Dillon replied.
“So the main character is straight, he just has sex with men?”
“Correct”
“I think that’s an excellent idea Dillon,” Kat interjected. “James, you need to prepare a fourth draft.”
“Very well,” I replied. I called over my production assistant, Pee-Wee.
“Pee-Wee, take note: make the main character less gay.”
“I think this has been a very productive meeting,” Kat said. “Dillon, thank you for your input. We’ll be reaching out to you shortly.”
We shook hands and Dillon exited the room.
“What do you think?” Kat asked.
“I enjoyed Take Me To Pound Town IX as much as the next guy. But he’s an asshole. I don’t think he understands my work at all,” I replied.
“Come on, James. Making films is a collaborative effort. Dillon has style, a creative flair. He is the best director for the job.”
“Or the best one we can afford,” I said.
Kat walked away when Pablo, my agent, called.
“Great news!” he said. “Kat and I have finalized your contract.”
“Oh wonderful! What did you get?”
“Well, now hear me out…”
“Pablo, what did you do?”
“Your contract is 15….“
“15..?”
“….hundred dollars. Which, of course, 45% of that goes to commission.”
“Pablo, you shit the bed on this one.”
“BUT BUT BUT you get sole screenwriting credit and 100% of the merchandising rights!”
“Pablo, the script is no longer an action romp in outer space! It’s now a melodrama in 1942 Stalingrad! What merchandising rights could there be?!”
I hung up the phone and looked for Kathrine. She was back in her office. So I climbed up the fireman pole and stormed in.
“So what am I? Your slave?!” I asked.
“First rule of Hollywood: you’re only as good as your agent,” she replied.
“The only way I can profit off this film is if we sell Nazi SS action figures! You think you can push me around? Well you got another thing coming sister!”
I slid back down the pole and found Pee-Wee.
“Pee-Wee,” I said. “When do the sets go up?”
“Uhh, Tuesday I think.”
“Load up on crank and call Dillon. We’ve got work to do.”
“Bob’s dead,” Pablo told me over the phone. “He was garroted in his garage. Cut his head clean off. Yakuza is suspected.”
“Holy shit!”
“Horrible ordeal. Anyways, a new producer has been assigned, Kathleen Kennedy. Not THAT Kathleen Kennedy. She wants to meet with you ASAP.”
So Pablo and me returned to Burbank to meet with this new hotshot producer. When we arrived, the guard stared blankly at us and said, “Elevator’s broken. You’ll have to climb up the old fireman’s pole.”
So we climbed up to the fourth floor where Mrs. Kennedy was waiting on us.
“Call me Kat,” she said. “Can I offer you a water or soda?”
“No thanks,” I replied. “I’ll take a scotch. Just started drinking again.”
She handed me the drink and sat down behind her desk.
“Let’s get down to business gentlemen,” Kat said. “Bob was a visionary. He knew what he wanted and went after it. I intend on carrying on that vision.”
Pablo and I nodded.
“The studio supports this project and will give us the resources necessary to see it through,” she continued. “That being said, we have some notes about your second draft.”
“What kind of notes?” I asked.
“The studio feels that we need to establish a plot, characters with motivation, sensible dialogue, and cut back on the violent gay sex,” she replied.
“So just make it regular gay sex then?”
“We’ll revisit that question when we see the third draft,” Kat said. “In the meantime, I want to meet one on one with you.”
Pablo looked over at me then exited the room. Kat poured a scotch for herself.
“So what took you so long?” she asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re a middle aged man. Divorcée. Never held a job for longer than 2 years. You’re balding, overweight, and heavy drinker. You’re probably a diabetic and won’t live to see 70. Now you’re in Hollywood. So why now?”
“I just put one foot in front of the other ma’am. Better late than never.”
“This is a tough business,” she said. “Everything’s changing and we need fresh minds to keep us one step ahead. And to me, you’re a dinosaur. So listen to me and listen good: stick with me and I’ll take you to heights you never thought possible. And if you stray one bit, you’ll be just another washout that litters this town.”
The Internet Ruined Everything 