At the premier, Pablo, Pee-Wee, and Dick Earnhardt were all decked out in their tuxedos. Kathrine was wearing her Louis Vuttoin gown, smiling and waving to the cameras. Even Dillon made an appearance.
I just threw on a clean shirt and cologne and called it a day.
At the press junket, I was asked “how would you describe this film?”, I said:
“Well it’s got some tits, dick, goblins, and swords. It’s alright I guess.”
We all sat down in our seats. When the title This Tastes Like Ass appeared on the screen, I fell asleep.
Pee-Wee nudged me when the end credits were rolling. The audience was walking out and wouldn’t make eye contact with me.
I went home and cracked open a beer. “Take that Hollywood!” I said. Then went to bed.
The next morning, critics presented their reviews:
“A cinematic experience that can’t be matched. It’s literally impossible,” read the Fort Worth Telegram.
“The filmmakers were clearly drugged out of their minds, but damn it, it works. It’ll make you horny. It’ll make you laugh. It’ll make you depressed to the point of insanity. But there’s something there that transcends the capabilities of human language,” read the Des Moines Register.
The reviews were unanimous: the gratuitous nudity, the unsimulated sex from A-list stars, the excessive violence, the absurd and almost non-existent plot…it was unique in the history of film. Nothing could compare.
When I accepted my Academy Awards (not THOSE Academy Awards) for Best Actor, Best Director, and Best Screenplay, I said:
“All you mother fuckers doubted me. You said I was too old, too stupid, and too ugly to make it in this town. Well now look at me. I’m up here and you’re down there. You’re all sick and pathetic.”
Kathrine received her accolades as well. As producer, she was awarded the Best Picture Oscar (again, not THOSE Oscars). She later succeeded Dick Earnhardt as CEO after his untimely death from viagra poisoning. She became the toast of the town.
But my point was made.
A reporter later came to me and asked, “Now that you’ve conquered Hollywood, what are you going to do now?”
I responded, “Go home and take a shit.”