sorry i have dementia

So I was meandering around Home Depot when an old lady asked “Can you help me lift this box sonny?”

“Sorry, I forgot to take my Celebrex,” I said.

Then I saw my ex-wife. “How are the kids?” I asked.

“I don’t have kids.”

“You don’t? We fucked from one end of Albuquerque to the other.”

“Do I know you sir?”

So I went to take a shit. I dropped my pants and sat on the toilet when a strange man said “dad, that’s a display!”

Then it occurred to me: I also forgot to take my Razadyne. 🤷‍♂️

THE END

just phoning it in

Sorry

“Stop drinking out of the toilet,” my father told me.

Dad taught me the important lessons in life.

He’d take me to Home Depot and yell at the paint associate. Afterwards, Dad would show me the construction workers, contractors, and day laborers, and say “those are real men,” then disappear to the bathroom for a few hours.

Usually I’d cry myself to sleep when he’d come home drunk, turn the gas stove on, and threatened to burn down the house.

I’ll never forget the lessons he taught me.

Dad never said much. But finally, on his deathbed, he told me, “if I knew it would end in type II diabetes, cirrhosis of the liver, and coronary artery disease, I would have done everything different. I never loved your mother. You’re embarrassing to me as my son. I regret everything.”

Rip 😞