Tag: Home Depot

Dick pills

I’m an old son of a bitch. Some days I’ll shit my pants at Waffle House. Other days I’ll drive for miles with my turn signal on. Then again, I’ll confuse viagra for blood pressure medication and intensely watch Matlock. At night, I’ll wake up in a pool of piss after dreaming about the Wehrmacht soldier I drowned in shallow mud near the bloody Somme. And when a man thanks me for my service, I’ll pull him closer and whisper I should be in The Hague for the things I’ve done. But dementia has a way of assuaging my guilt. To silence the screams of all the men I senselessly killed in battle, I drink Tito’s Vodka which goes down smooth with a nice can of Coca-Cola. Tito’s™️ For When You Want to Forget War Crimes.

But when the police are dispatched because your grown children have reported you missing and you’re found wondering Home Depot without pants on, be sure to ask your doctor about Razadyne for a mild onset of Alzheimer’s. Side effects may include death and mass murder, to say nothing of the raging nightmare that is waking life.

That’s why I’ve switched to Cialis. It’s hard enough to battle decrepit old age and unrepentant alcoholism. Why struggle with maintaining a long-lasting erection? Though I haven’t had sex in 40 years, sometimes you need that “edge” to drive 90mph southbound in the northbound lane. So go to Bluechew.com, consult a “doctor”, and have a 90 day supply of dick pills sent discreetly to your home.

Bluechew™️—you’re already dead inside. So make it a Blewchew™️ kind of day.

I’m so embarrassed 🙈

So I was minding my business at Home Depot when an employee harassed me by the power tools. He came up to me slightly perturbed with an abundance of rage radiating from his eyes. He came to me and said “do you need help sir?”

I nodded and told him, “Yes. I’ve been standing here for 8 hours waiting for someone to help me! Can you tell me the difference between the Ryobi 18V impact drill and the DeWalt 20v orbital sander?!”

“Of course sir. One’s an impact drill and the other is a sander.”

“Uh huh. And which one would you recommend to clean out a p-trap?”

“I recommend you go to the plumbing department for that.”

Finally I had enough of his shit. “Don’t get snappy with me young man!” I told him. “I’m just looking to find tulips to plant in my garden! Don’t be a fuckin asshole! What’s happened to this country!? Used to be a man could come to Home Depot and get his salad tossed in the paint department! Now he can’t even get tugged off in the garden department! Your generation has fucked everything up!”

“But I’m 78 years old sir.”

“Oh yeah?” I said sarcastically. “Well if you’re so smart, can you tell me where to find spark plugs?!”

“For your lawn mower?”

“No! For my 85 Dodge Daytona!”

The employee nodded and gently placed his had on my shoulder. “I think you’re looking for an AutoZone sir,” he said.

Boy did I have egg on my face! 😅

i miss the lockdowns 😟

I don’t know if we’re out of the woods on COVID. But damnit, the lockdowns low key slapped. The problem with going out into public nowadays is that everyone’s nice.

What’s up with that?

I miss being threatened with violence. Where are all the middle aged white guys itching to pull out their .22 because I wear a mask that says “I ❤️ eating ass and 9/11 was an inside job”?

Home Depot just isn’t the same anymore.

That’s why I shop at Lowe’s, with everyday great prices and constant harassment.

Lowe’s: Never Stop Improving.

sorry i have dementia

So I was meandering around Home Depot when an old lady asked “Can you help me lift this box sonny?”

“Sorry, I forgot to take my Celebrex,” I said.

Then I saw my ex-wife. “How are the kids?” I asked.

“I don’t have kids.”

“You don’t? We fucked from one end of Albuquerque to the other.”

“Do I know you sir?”

So I went to take a shit. I dropped my pants and sat on the toilet when a strange man said “dad, that’s a display!”

Then it occurred to me: I also forgot to take my Razadyne. 🤷‍♂️

THE END

just phoning it in

Sorry

“Stop drinking out of the toilet,” my father told me.

Dad taught me the important lessons in life.

He’d take me to Home Depot and yell at the paint associate. Afterwards, Dad would show me the construction workers, contractors, and day laborers, and say “those are real men,” then disappear to the bathroom for a few hours.

Usually I’d cry myself to sleep when he’d come home drunk, turn the gas stove on, and threatened to burn down the house.

I’ll never forget the lessons he taught me.

Dad never said much. But finally, on his deathbed, he told me, “if I knew it would end in type II diabetes, cirrhosis of the liver, and coronary artery disease, I would have done everything different. I never loved your mother. You’re embarrassing to me as my son. I regret everything.”

Rip 😞