Phil Spector, Carrie Fisher, Stevie Nicks, and the greatest of all, Dennis Hopper, are all on the Mount Rushmore of cocaine addicts.
In case you forgot, Mr. Hopper was the star in over 104,000 films
Dennis Hopper brought an intensity to his craft that has yet to be matched. In addition to his acting, his talents also extended behind the camera as director of such unforgettable classics like The Last Movie, Colors, Out of the Blue, and Chasers (starring a peak form Tom Berenger).
The 1969 film, Easy Rider, Hopper’s directorial debut, kickstarted the “auteur” fad in Hollywood that extended throughout the 1970’s (which ended in 1983 when, again, three people were killed. And again, RIP). Sadly, the 70s saw Dennis Hopper’s acting career more or less flatline, which was likely due to his aforementioned cocaine addiction (which is unfortunate. The decline of his acting career that is. Not his crippling cocaine addiction).
However, there was a Dennis Hopper renaissance in the 1980s, with the height of his success coming in 1986 as the sadistic Frank Booth in Blue Velvet and the alcoholic Shooter in Hoosiers.
Hopper rode this newfound fame on into the 90s and 2000s, saying ‘yes’ to any script that was handed to him. Who can forget the time he fought Keanu Reeves on top of a train in Speed? Or taught Kevin Costner how to act in a bad movie for Waterworld? Or gave the greatest racist monologue in the history of film (written by Quentin Tarantino) in True Romance?
Dennis Hopper passed away in 2010.
No matter the script (remember, he was in Super Mario Bros.), no matter the personal dramas in his life, Dennis Hopper always gave it his all.
So I was watching porn on my work computer when I heard the sounds of death blasting from my co-worker’s phone.
I said, “Dale, what are you watching?”
He said, “It’s a documentary about the Battle of Tannenberg during World War I. It was a nightmarish time in global affairs. Men were senselessly butchered for the sake of gaining a few yards on the battlefield. How callous were such leaders? To permit the deaths of so, so many people? Is human life that meaningless to those in power? How could god permit such suffering? Have we been forsaken?”
“We’ll keep it down over there,” I replied.
So I went back to minding my own business when I heard Dale loading his Colt Cobra.
I said, “Dale, so help me god, if you don’t quiet down I will grab that gun and use it myself.”
“Sorry,” he replied “I’m just a little suicidal from my multiple bankruptcy filings and sexual assault charges.”
“Don’t worry about it.” I said
Finally when there was a little peace and quiet, Dale comes around the corner pointing his gun at me and crying profusely.
“I’m sorry Jim”, he says. “Everyone has abandoned me. My wife left. And my kids won’t talk to me.”
“So what do you want from me, Dale?” I replied. “My wallet? The keys to my car?”
“I want someone to listen to me for once in my life! I had a very lonely childhood. My parents never listened to me, I had no friends. I suffered from dyslexia and all my teachers thought I was stupid. Just absolutely stupid! I’m not a bad person. I’m just misunderstood and have been my entire life. Just for once, I want someone to understand me! That’s all I’ve ever wanted!”
Out of frustration, Dale fired his Colt directly into my computer. We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, not knowing what would happen next. As I looked into Dale’s eyes in terror, I knew that he didn’t have the heart to shoot me. He was just a broken man and out of options.
Finally, he laid the gun down and sat down then buried his head in his hands. We both sat in silence for a few moments.
“Well,” I said. “How about I just give you my wallet.”
Thank you to the wonderful, fascinating, intelligent, beautiful, outstanding, great, fun, hilarious, engaging, charismatic, smart, intelligent, super, warm, talented, and outstanding Sophie at the Starting Today blog for nominating this page for the #BrainstormsAward.
To think that people actually enjoy reading fart and cum jokes in addition to my occasional thoughts on movies and football is truly an honor.
Rules to follow for the Brainstorms Award:
1. Thank the one who nominated you
2. Tag your post with #BrainsStormsAward and follow BrainsStorms if you are willing!
3. Display the Brainstorms Award logo
4. Display the rules on your blog post.
5. Talk a bit about your blog, why you started it, what you write on and your goal for your blog.
6. Answer the five questions you have been asked.
7. Nominate five other amazing bloggers.
8. Ask them five new questions.
A Bit About This Blog
I started writing when I woke up hungover, confused, and fearing for my life in the back of a Ford Probe in Mexico. The cartel decided to let me live if I spent the rest of my life humiliating myself. Thus, this blog was born.
I try not to confine myself to any one subject. If I have a story, joke, thought, etc. fall out of my brain, I try post it here. I don’t really think of myself as a “writer” or as an artistic type really. Nevertheless I have a ton of ideas that I would eventually like to translate into a novel, screenplay, or whatever. So I like to think of this blog as “target practice”, if you will, to keep myself in the habit of writing (before the cartel uses ME as target practice 😕)
Q/A
1. What is your biggest regret and why?
When I was a young man (back in the 1940s), I stretched myself too thin. I was trying to go to college, start a career, and be a party animal all at once (being shot at by the Germans was a problem too).
I wish I focused on one thing and not be worried about everything all the time.
2. Can you do a cartwheel?
When my arthritis isn’t acting up.
3. Are you a lone wolf? Or extremely sociable and outgoing?
I believe that it was Cormac McCarthy who stated that drinking is a workplace hazard for writers. When one commits to the blogging lifestyle, there are many such hazards and obstacles. One HAS to be a lone wolf, even in social settings…even at the cost of their own mental stability.
That’s the price of art.
But as to whether I’m naturally a lone wolf or social butterfly, I guess it depends on which drugs I’m hyped up on.
4. If you could start your blog over again what would you do differently this time?
Write it on an actual computer and not on my Nokia 8110.
5. Who are your three favorite writers of all time?
God (for writing the Bible), Charles Bukowski, and Cormac McCarthy.
My Nominees
I’ve only been on here for a couple of weeks but the WordPress community has been awesome. Unfortunately I feel like a selfish bastard for not getting acquainted with very many blogs since starting here due to my manic behavior (and being in and out of jail). But I pledge to be as supportive for this community as you all have been for me.
That being said, the following blogs have stood out for their perspective, creativity, and hard work. They’re an eclectic mix of poetry, creative writing, science, and language. They all deserve a shoutout:
(Additionally, being the kind of lowbrow blog that this is, if you choose to participate in this award, don’t feel the need to give thanks or reference my page. I understand completely 😎)
Questions For The Nominees
1. If you could go back in time to prevent any disaster in history, which one would it be?
2. Which living person has the greatest influence on you?
3. What is something that you find overrated?
4. If you had the opportunity to relive your life, correcting all your mistakes, would you take it?
5. What is the routing number to your bank account?
Or
If you had to learn to play a new musical instrument, which one would you choose?
Once again, thank you to Sophie for the nomination and all of you for reading. I look forward to getting to know all of you. So feel free to comment or just say ‘hi’.
After crashing my 97 Geo Metro into a tree, my family staged an intervention. My mom cried the whole time, saying “your dead father would be disappointed in you”, and my ex-wife said that “if you don’t stop drinking, you will never see your son again”.
I sat there listening to this shit until it was my turn to talk. I said, “I recognize that I *might* have a drinking problem. But…and I’m just making a suggestion…have you guys considered that YOU might have a sobriety problem?”
The cops later arrested me for property damage and I was court ordered to attend rehab. They sent me to a Fort Lauderdale treatment facility where they told me that I’m a “manic depressive” and “have unresolved issues stemming from childhood trauma”. I told them to fuck off, that psychiatry has been proven to be bullshit years ago.
Nevertheless the judge told me to attend AA. My sponsor, Jack, said that sobriety sucks and that there’s nothing wrong with alcohol because it’s a natural product from completely artificial processes.
Besides, lots of great things were done under the influence of alcohol. Ever heard of World War II?
So no, I will not be taking my clozapine and naltrexone. Things like “mental health” and “science” is liberal bullshit.
So what if Randy “exposed” himself to an undercover cop or frequented massage parlors “owned” by known sex traffickers or “threatened” to shoot up a Home Depot or sold drugs outside of “middle schools”?
This is America. And in America we have this thing called free speech.
Ever heard of it?
But anywho, some of y’all make me sick. You keep saying that it “serves him right” that he’s been denied bail due to “being a flight risk pending an investigation into sexual relations with a minor and the disappearance of several women dating back to the 1990s” by the “Los Angeles Police Department”.
Do any of y’all have a heart?
I met Randy while hitchhiking on I-10 in 1992. He told me “Get in kid, I have something to show ya”. We pulled off into an abandoned rest stop and he told me there was “precious cargo” in the trunk of this Pontiac Firebird. He handed me the keys and told me to meet with a “Carlos” in Phoenix. He also handed me a Ruger 22 and told me to “get rid of the evidence”.
I met with Randy two days later in Barstow and I crashed on his couch. Then he gave me $1500 and said “you’re alright kid”.
So when I was down on my luck, Randy gave me a chance. He put clothes on my back and a roof over my head. Sure he came home drunk some nights and took liberties with my penis. Sure I cried about it every night. And sure it gave me a crippling methadone addiction. But come on! Every man has sucked off their best fried, right?
Randy is a good man.
So despite the numerous victims in the wake of his crimes and misdeeds, Randy deserves your sympathy. Stop being a heartless bastard.
Now as the Los Angeles County DA offers me full immunity in exchange for testimony, stop being a snowflake by moaning about “justice for the victims” and think of poor ol Randy sitting there in county jail. No man deserves that fate.
World renowned sex pervert Woody Allen said that “80 percent of success is just showing up”.
He’s right.
Throughout my career I’ve just shown up and someone hands me a paycheck. Occasionally I’ll smile and nod and blow smoke up my boss’s ass, but mostly just being physically present has been the secret to my financial security (and occasionally lack thereof).
Now it could be that my bosses think I might become a workplace shooter if they fire me, but I’ve never been terminated due to tardiness (viewing porn on a work computer is a different story).
So people often ask me “you’re poor as shit! How are you not living under a bridge?”
Well let me tell ya: budgeting and selling unused prescription pain medications.
What’s the point of buying a $60,000 Cadillac if you can’t occasionally live in it? Now shoplifting is rarely a good idea. You’d know this if you’ve ever spent enough time in Clark County, NV. And it’s completely unnecessary. Why risk jail time when you can just sell butthole pics to some Saudi “businessman”? If they blackmail you later, just say that the joke’s on them.
But I digress.
Living within your means is easy. In fact, it’s easier than spending money. All you gotta do is nothing! Dumbass.
I told my ex-wife years ago that all I need are two things: my toothbrush and my Glock 19. She left me for a Saudi oilman and tried to extort child support from me. But I told her that I ain’t paying that shit.
I still love her though. Baby, if you’re reading this, I’ll take you back whenever you’re ready but I ain’t ever gonna stop drinking.
So prioritize what’s important to you. Because that’s the secret to financial success.
The Internet Ruined Everything 