On Being a Cheapskate

World renowned sex pervert Woody Allen said that “80 percent of success is just showing up”.

He’s right.

Throughout my career I’ve just shown up and someone hands me a paycheck. Occasionally I’ll smile and nod and blow smoke up my boss’s ass, but mostly just being physically present has been the secret to my financial security (and occasionally lack thereof).

Now it could be that my bosses think I might become a workplace shooter if they fire me, but I’ve never been terminated due to tardiness (viewing porn on a work computer is a different story).

So people often ask me “you’re poor as shit! How are you not living under a bridge?”

Well let me tell ya: budgeting and selling unused prescription pain medications.

What’s the point of buying a $60,000 Cadillac if you can’t occasionally live in it? Now shoplifting is rarely a good idea. You’d know this if you’ve ever spent enough time in Clark County, NV. And it’s completely unnecessary. Why risk jail time when you can just sell butthole pics to some Saudi “businessman”? If they blackmail you later, just say that the joke’s on them.

But I digress.

Living within your means is easy. In fact, it’s easier than spending money. All you gotta do is nothing! Dumbass.

I told my ex-wife years ago that all I need are two things: my toothbrush and my Glock 19. She left me for a Saudi oilman and tried to extort child support from me. But I told her that I ain’t paying that shit.

I still love her though. Baby, if you’re reading this, I’ll take you back whenever you’re ready but I ain’t ever gonna stop drinking.

So prioritize what’s important to you. Because that’s the secret to financial success.