Tag: football

Brett favre: real ass dude

https://news.yahoo.com/defendant-ex-governor-ordered-payments-232005570.html

Brett Farve is perilously close to being added to my real ass dude HOF. All he has to do now is kill someone and he’s automatically in.

Last I checked, Mississippi had just under 3 million people living there. Yet somehow Farve got himself involved in one of its biggest corruption scandals.

Allegedly, he didn’t know that he received embezzled money. But something tells me that it wasn’t because no one told him. It probably didn’t occur to him that what he was doing was unethical.

Hey, we all make our mistakes. But Brett Favre has a history of making mistakes that only real ass dudes make (making ill-advised throws, sending dick pics to reporters, wearing jorts, etc.)

So keep going Brett, you’re almost there. I’m rooting for ya!

good for Zach Wilson 👍

It ain’t a crime to smash cougs. In fact, every man between the age 20-23 should try it.

And ladies over the age of 35, good for you! Go get it!

Now Zach Wilson may never be a HOFer, but he should be celebrated as a trailblazer, or a public spokesperson, for guys like me. I’ve been putting out flyers, knocking on doors, and yelling on street corners for years: older women is where it’s at. And when you go where it’s at, there’s no going back.

Just ask Emmanuel Macron 😟

if Tom Brady is so great…

…then why does he suck so much on Madden NFL mobile?

This is bullshit.

It doesn’t matter how much I upgrade him, he still overthrows receivers and tosses an ungodly amount of interceptions. Yet on rare occasion when he hits his mediocre receiver, like Christian Kirk, it’s like a 30 yard gain!

I built up an incredible O-line! If I hand the ball off to Nick Chubb, it’s an automatic touchdown! Yet Tom let’s me down every time smh.

Of course, I’m only playing the app due to procrastination. Writing a novel and having a blog sucks btw. Still tho, the developers need to pull their head out of their ass!

mens fashun

For a man that dresses like Larry the Cable Guy everyday (I’m not a redneck btw. I just like the aesthetic), I sure do appreciate men’s fashion.

Unfortunately, as all of you very well know, I’m cheap….often to my own detriment.

But these are some of my favorite men’s fashion icons and looks:

Daniel Craig

I’m straight, for the most part. But I will always make an exception for Daniel Craig.

The man can roll around in cow shit in his underwear and make it look good. As far as fashion is concerned, he can do no wrong.

He’s best known for playing James Bond. But, in my humble opinion, his finest fashion hour was in Layer Cake. That film is nearly 20 years old, yet he still makes those clothes look fresh.

Of course, it helps to have a body of a god.

Roy Williams

Fuck UNC and Tar Heel basketball! If it weren’t for Bart Ehrman (honestly, a fashion icon in his own right), Chapel Hill would be North Carolina’s landfill.

The only thing that it’s basketball program had going for it was Roy Williams’ fashion sense. You gotta admit that those were some dope ass blazers he wore.

Mike Tomlin

Mike Tomlin caught some flak a few years ago for not giving a flat fuck about being fashionable. But why should he?

He’s my favorite football coach for multiple reasons. He’s never had a losing season, and he can ROCK a pair of aviators, a baseball cap, and a headset.

Definitely the coolest coach in the NFL

The “70s college professor”

Nothing says sophistication like a corduroy jacket and sweater vest.

Add a pipe and suddenly you’re the smartest man in the room.

Turtleneck and Leather Jacket

Let’s be clear: this is the most powerful look a man could wear.

#Facts

5 times I said “lol that sucks” while watching football

5. Fake Fair Catch- North Texas vs. Arkansas

Nothing gives me more comfort than knowing that in this day and age of NCAA football, the Arkansas Razorbacks will never win a National Championship. They’re quietly the saltiest fans in all of sports.

Which is why this fake fair catch will always bring a smile to my face.

4. Justin Tucker’s 66 yard field goal– Baltimore Ravens vs. Detroit Lions

The misery of the Detroit Lions knows no depths (as we’ll see again later). Which is why it was perfect that the football gods chose them to be on the losing end of Justin Tucker’s record-setting field goal which will never be broken in my lifetime.

Unfortunately the NFL doesn’t want me sharing clips of the event (Roger Goodell told me personally) so from here on out, I have to share shitty camera phone angles from the stands.

3. Brett Farve’s worst fuckup in a career filled with fuckups- New Orleans Saints vs. Minnesota Vikings

Everyone jumped on the Vikings bandwagon that year. But I knew better.

How did I know?

Because one snake bitten franchise, the Minnesota Vikings, had Brett Favre as their quarterback. I’m mean, come on. Everyone had to have seen this coming.

2. Michael Vick droppin bombs on Washington– Philadelphia Eagles vs. Washington R*******

People ask me all the time: when did things start going wrong the Washington team, currently the biggest dumpster fire in all of sports?

It was this moment right here, when jailbird Michael Vick made one of the greatest throws in NFL history:

1. The Motor City Miracle– Green Bay Packers vs. Detroit Lions

Sure, Aaron Rodgers may be an pompous ass. But make no mistake: he can throw a football very, very far.

After seeing a completed pass like that, it should be clear to all Lions fans: God hates Detroit. 😔

god bless texas

There are four things that I love: 1) corporate intrigue 2) religious charlatans 3) the State of Texas 4) NFL football. Which is why I’ve been blessed with the Jack Easterby story regarding the Houston Texans.

For those who don’t know, Easterby is essentially a chaplain that plotted and schemed his way to the top of an NFL franchise. It’s an odd story, but things like this happen. Anyone recall Rasputin and the fall of the Russian Empire? And yes, I’d say that Easterby’s involvement with the Texans is every bit as significant and tragic as the fall of the Romanovs.

I’m just always surprised at how rich people, like Texans CEO Cal McNair, are so gullible. If the average person came across someone like Easterby on the street, we’d think “this dude’s full of shit.” But I guess game recognizes game.

Listen to this shit:

A bit of advice Evangelicals: if you want people to take your religion seriously, maybe drop the used car salesman schtick.

The theory is that Easterby and McNair are trying to turn the Texans into a “Christian football camp”. So this will give us the opportunity to test Aaron Rodgers’ theory that “God doesn’t care about football games.” And if we come to find out that God DOES care about football while millions of children continue to starve to death, then you should ask yourself why you worship this god.

So I’m pretty excited to watch this experiment go up in flames. In the meantime, enjoy some of Easterby’s standup:

GOAT

Poor Warren Moon.

He didn’t get drafted because the NFL is racist. He never advanced to a Super Bowl. And his number and name is in the rafters in a city he never played for.

Additionally, of all the NFL throwback games I find on YouTube involving the Houston Oilers, Moon loses in all of them (including, most infamously, “the Comeback”, which was not Moon’s fault). Fortunately, the NFL did the right thing, and put him in the HoF.

Now Moon played contemporaneously along side other HoF QBs like Joe Montana, Dan Marino, Jim Kelly, John Elway, Troy Aikman, Steve Young, and Brett Favre. And I gotta say: if I had to draft a QB from the guys on the list, I’d still take Warren Moon.

I prefer my football to be exciting. And once when the Oilers initiated the “Run and Shoot” offense, that shit was good. But more importantly, I prefer a strong-armed QB. Now Elway, Marino, and Favre had notoriously powerful arms, but it’s one thing to have a cannon. It’s another thing to harness that power. Moon perhaps wasn’t the most “accurate” QB (nobody really was back in those days), but when he threw the ball, it was a thing of beauty:

Nobody throws a spiral like that. I mean, I can. And have. But you can’t. Nor can any other NFL QB. Because there’s a whole science behind it:

anouncement (and thoughts on writing)

Hate to toot my own horn but 2051: A Space Monstrosity turned out much better than I thought it would. I also wrote a lot more than I intended.

It’s not perfect. Far from it. And I blatantly ripped off lines from various Star Trek productions, almost verbatim, because I’m a shameless hack.

But I’m getting closer to being able to tell stories the way I want to: where I create a plot on the fly by establishing a rhythm and hitting the story beats. If you do a few setups and meet the payoffs in any ridiculous way you can, BAM…you have yourself a story.

Maybe not a GOOD story, but a story nonetheless.

My method is akin to Bill Walsh’s “West Coast Offense” in football: where players lack in athletic ability (or, in my case, artistic genius), you can make up for in precision and timing.

This runs entirely contrary to the way my high school teacher tried to teach me. It was his belief that that the secret to writing was in rewriting.

The problem I found with this practice is that my interest always waned and the magic was gone. Editing and proofreading is necessary of course, but frankly it’s boring and if I spend too much time on it, I end up hating everything about the piece itself.

It is my belief that art works best when it exists in the moment….when the artist can, however briefly, be completely honest with themselves.

So I’ve written a lot to get the practice in. And most of the stories are in fragmented pieces. Therefore I created a separate page to compile all these short stories.

…that is, once when I figure out how to get the page up on the website. Right now it looks like shit. I dunno 🤷‍♂️

I’ll get it figured out.

That is all.

super bowl predictions

I think this will be a pretty good game guys!

Here are my predictions:

Matthew Stafford will throw 11/97 passes for 847 yards along with 11 interceptions and 2 touchdowns (both of which will be called back due to offensive pass interference on a coked-out Sean McVay)

McVay will also throw a controversial coach’s challenge on a 4th and 9 play where Joe Burrow will attempt a QB sneak. Replay will show that Burrow completed the first down.

Final score: 2-0 Bengals (the safety, of course, will come from Matthew Stafford running out of the back of his own end zone due to the curse of the Detroit Lions)

The Bengals will celebrate victory by pouring a Gatorade cooler filled with piping hot Skyline chili onto Zac Taylor.

Take that to the bank!