god bless texas

There are four things that I love: 1) corporate intrigue 2) religious charlatans 3) the State of Texas 4) NFL football. Which is why I’ve been blessed with the Jack Easterby story regarding the Houston Texans.

For those who don’t know, Easterby is essentially a chaplain that plotted and schemed his way to the top of an NFL franchise. It’s an odd story, but things like this happen. Anyone recall Rasputin and the fall of the Russian Empire? And yes, I’d say that Easterby’s involvement with the Texans is every bit as significant and tragic as the fall of the Romanovs.

I’m just always surprised at how rich people, like Texans CEO Cal McNair, are so gullible. If the average person came across someone like Easterby on the street, we’d think “this dude’s full of shit.” But I guess game recognizes game.

Listen to this shit:

A bit of advice Evangelicals: if you want people to take your religion seriously, maybe drop the used car salesman schtick.

The theory is that Easterby and McNair are trying to turn the Texans into a “Christian football camp”. So this will give us the opportunity to test Aaron Rodgers’ theory that “God doesn’t care about football games.” And if we come to find out that God DOES care about football while millions of children continue to starve to death, then you should ask yourself why you worship this god.

So I’m pretty excited to watch this experiment go up in flames. In the meantime, enjoy some of Easterby’s standup:

GOAT

Poor Warren Moon.

He didn’t get drafted because the NFL is racist. He never advanced to a Super Bowl. And his number and name is in the rafters in a city he never played for.

Additionally, of all the NFL throwback games I find on YouTube involving the Houston Oilers, Moon loses in all of them (including, most infamously, “the Comeback”, which was not Moon’s fault). Fortunately, the NFL did the right thing, and put him in the HoF.

Now Moon played contemporaneously along side other HoF QBs like Joe Montana, Dan Marino, Jim Kelly, John Elway, Troy Aikman, Steve Young, and Brett Favre. And I gotta say: if I had to draft a QB from the guys on the list, I’d still take Warren Moon.

I prefer my football to be exciting. And once when the Oilers initiated the “Run and Shoot” offense, that shit was good. But more importantly, I prefer a strong-armed QB. Now Elway, Marino, and Favre had notoriously powerful arms, but it’s one thing to have a cannon. It’s another thing to harness that power. Moon perhaps wasn’t the most “accurate” QB (nobody really was back in those days), but when he threw the ball, it was a thing of beauty:

Nobody throws a spiral like that. I mean, I can. And have. But you can’t. Nor can any other NFL QB. Because there’s a whole science behind it:

anouncement (and thoughts on writing)

Hate to toot my own horn but 2051: A Space Monstrosity turned out much better than I thought it would. I also wrote a lot more than I intended.

It’s not perfect. Far from it. And I blatantly ripped off lines from various Star Trek productions, almost verbatim, because I’m a shameless hack.

But I’m getting closer to being able to tell stories the way I want to: where I create a plot on the fly by establishing a rhythm and hitting the story beats. If you do a few setups and meet the payoffs in any ridiculous way you can, BAM…you have yourself a story.

Maybe not a GOOD story, but a story nonetheless.

My method is akin to Bill Walsh’s “West Coast Offense” in football: where players lack in athletic ability (or, in my case, artistic genius), you can make up for in precision and timing.

This runs entirely contrary to the way my high school teacher tried to teach me. It was his belief that that the secret to writing was in rewriting.

The problem I found with this practice is that my interest always waned and the magic was gone. Editing and proofreading is necessary of course, but frankly it’s boring and if I spend too much time on it, I end up hating everything about the piece itself.

It is my belief that art works best when it exists in the moment….when the artist can, however briefly, be completely honest with themselves.

So I’ve written a lot to get the practice in. And most of the stories are in fragmented pieces. Therefore I created a separate page to compile all these short stories.

…that is, once when I figure out how to get the page up on the website. Right now it looks like shit. I dunno 🤷‍♂️

I’ll get it figured out.

That is all.

super bowl predictions

I think this will be a pretty good game guys!

Here are my predictions:

Matthew Stafford will throw 11/97 passes for 847 yards along with 11 interceptions and 2 touchdowns (both of which will be called back due to offensive pass interference on a coked-out Sean McVay)

McVay will also throw a controversial coach’s challenge on a 4th and 9 play where Joe Burrow will attempt a QB sneak. Replay will show that Burrow completed the first down.

Final score: 2-0 Bengals (the safety, of course, will come from Matthew Stafford running out of the back of his own end zone due to the curse of the Detroit Lions)

The Bengals will celebrate victory by pouring a Gatorade cooler filled with piping hot Skyline chili onto Zac Taylor.

Take that to the bank!

magnum enforcer viii

Come to find out that Mystery’s real name was Mr. Ree.

That was convenient.

We watched Maxwell for several days, plotting our trap. Unfortunately he strangled several more prostitutes under that watch. We did nothing about it. But we pushed forward with our plan.

One night, while Maxwell was cruising down Sunset, he fell into our trap.

“Hey sweetie,” Maxwell said while picking up a prostitute. “Wanna make some cash?”

She giggled and got in.

They drove up to the hills while I tailed them. They stopped in Griffith Park then Maxwell and his friend climbed into the backseat.

Maxwell started kissing his way up her legs before removing her panties. As he put his head between her legs, instead of a vagina he put into his mouth, it was a cock…Mr. Ree’s fully erect cock.

“Surprise surprise,” Mr. Rees said.

Maxwell attempted to stab Mr. Ree. The two wrestled in the backseat before I opened the door and ordered Maxwell out with my 357. Mr. Ree got out in full drag, cock still hard. Maxwell had his pants around his ankles.

“Alright, you caught me,” Maxwell said. “So what? They’re not going to throw me in jail.”

“Don’t be so sure of yourself,” I replied. “Hands in the air.”

Maxwell lifted up his arms. Under his sleeve was a detonator. His car exploded, sending the three of us flying through the air. Maxwell got up and escaped by stealing my Pontiac Aztec.

I laid in the street for awhile in a daze. I got up and saw Mr. Ree mortally wounded. He was laying in a pool of his own blood. I held him in my arms and attempted to stop the bleeding.

“I’m sorry Mr. Ree,” I said. “I want to thank you for your help.”

“It was….fun,” he replied. “It doesn’t look like I’ll be a registered sex offender after all.”

With those words, he died in my arms.

I hot wired a Kia Soul and went after Maxwell. I cut him off at the intersection of Franklin and Los Feliz. I rammed my piece of shit into his piece of shit. The shattered glass littered the road.

I climbed out of the wreckage. Maxwell was still in the Pontiac. He was unconscious. I walked up to the destroyed vehicle, 357 on ready. I checked to see if he was dead. At that moment, Maxwell fired his 9mm.

The bullet grazed my left kidney. Maxwell climbed out of the car and ran off. As I was on the ground, I fired off a couple of shots, missing him entirely.

I pursued him on foot.

He ran into a bean factory. As beans were falling off an assembly line into a hopper, Maxwell fired a few rounds into the cogs. The line went haywire and beans went everywhere, obstructing my path. I once again fired shots indiscriminately down the line, jeopardizing the lives of countless workers.

Maxwell exited the factory and ran onto the football field of North Hollywood High. A game was being played. I couldn’t get a clear shot. So I tackled the quarterback, grabbed the football and aired it out in an attempt to hit Maxwell. Unfortunately a DB intercepted it and I had to evade tacklers to get off the field.

Maxwell continued to shoot his 9mm. But he was out of bullets.

He chose Chuck E Cheese as his last stand.

Maxwell went in through the kitchen. He threw pots, pans, and pizzas as I chased him. Unfortunately I wasted several bullets shooting down the pizzas.

As he ran into the main dining area, I shouted “stop that man!”

Chuck E Cheese himself went in for the tackle. Maxwell fought him off, but he was cornered.

The jig was up and Maxwell raised his hands. I lifted up the 357.

“For LP,” he asked.

“No Maxwell,” I said. “For me.”

I shot him in cold blood and his body flew into the ball pit. As the screams of children echoed through the restaurant, I walked outside.

I could hear the sounds of police sirens in the distance. I walked down to the beach holding the 357. As I stared out across the water, I took one last look at the 357 and tossed it into the ocean.

THE END

Ranking the NFL uniforms (Part 1)

In the National Football League, uniforms are important. It’s more important than in any other sport, anywhere.

If you’re gonna deliver an ass kicking, you better look good doing it. Because when you look your best, you play your best.

So here’s my ranking of all 32 uniforms, starting with #32-20.

32. Los Angeles Rams

What pisses me off about this is that the Rams did have THE BEST uniforms before SoFi Stadium got lazy and decided its two teams needed to have similar color schemes. I guess it’s too much work to redecorate the stadium each week. It’s not like any other stadium does that (MetLife).

But this new look just looks cheap: the logo, the fade from white to yellow, everything.

31. Cleveland Browns

Probably only me and Cleveland fans like the team logo: the orange helmet. But there’s nothing extraordinary about the Brown’s uniform, at least historically. And that’s okay. Being boring and underwhelming fits the team perfectly.

What pisses me off though is how they keep fucking with the basic design. Just leave well enough alone. Plus the number on the side of the helmet looks like shit. I don’t care if it’s for their “75th Anniversary” or whatever.

30. Philadelphia Eagles

Don’t get me wrong, the Eagles helmet might be the best design in the NFL. But that bluish-green just sucks. Go back to the Kelly green of the Randall Cunningham era.

29. Atlanta Falcons

The all-black uniform isn’t too bad. A red helmet would really make it pop though.

But the black top with white pants just sucks. And the “ATL” above the jersey number just looks lame.

28. Cincinnati Bengals

The uniform doesn’t look too bad in this picture. But it real time, it’s just underwhelming. Unfortunately this will be the Bengals for the next 40 years because Cincinnati has the cheapest and most unoriginal ownership in the league.

Too bad we can’t fire owners.

27. Arizona Cardinals

There’s nothing wrong with boring. Apparently, some Arizona fans have embraced this plain look. But if you’re gonna be boring, embrace it. Ditch any sort of subtle design and stripes and just use straight red jerseys, socks, and white pants.

26. New York Jets

This new design doesn’t upset me as it does others. The all-black alternates suck though. Again, it’s just underwhelming, much like the franchise as a whole.

25. Houston Texans

Houston quietly has one of the best logos in the league. But those blue jerseys are unoriginal. They should make the red alternates the full-time uniform.

24. Seattle Seahawks

Seattle has never had a good uniform. And I absolutely HATED this one when I first saw it. But then Russell Wilson happened and this is slowly becoming one of the classic uniforms in the league.

23. Chicago Bears

Eh. I don’t know. Truthfully I didn’t know where to place this one. There’s a lot of history to this uniform, so I’ll cut it some slack. But some of the alternates are preferable.

22. Miami Dolphins

Some love this color combo. I don’t. But I respect it. Just thinking about Dan Marino slinging it while wearing number 13 gives me the goosebumps. But that new logo is terrible.

21. Denver Broncos

I hate the old late-90s redesign that was used primarily before the Payton Manning era. Luckily they’ve moved away from that, and replaced it with the superior orange jerseys. Now they just need to replace that dumb Bronco logo for the old Denver ‘D’. That would look pretty dope on that helmet.

20. Baltimore Ravens

Sometimes this uniform looks cool, especially against AFC North teams and Washington. Sometimes it sucks. They should ditch the gold lining around the numbers and the all-black alternates. Otherwise, this is a pretty solid uniform.

Remembering ‘Friday Night Lights’

Went on a date for the first time since 2003. With a woman. When she came to my house and noticed the pictures on the wall, a collage of all the important people in my life, she asked “is this your father?”

I said “No, that’s Coach Eric Taylor, molder of men. The greatest coach of high school football in Texas history.”

Puzzled, she then asked “umm, is this your brother?”

I replied “No, that’s Matt Saracen, the quarterback for the Dillon Panthers during their championship run. He was thrusted into action after Jason Street suffered a life altering injury. He wasn’t the most talented quarterback, but he had a lot of heart. Are you fucking stupid?”

Friday Night Lights is the greatest television show of all time. Probably always will be.

I have a lot of regrets. I spend a lot of time thinking about them. And it’s very hard to capture that feeling of reflection…of nostalgia…when you reflect on events in one’s life. Movies and TV definitely have a hard time capturing that that sensation.

This is where FNL excels. Watching it is like reaching back into one’s past. Complimented by its dreamy soundtrack, the cinematography is an achievement in its own right.

Honestly, the cinematography, music, and actors bail out what is occasionally terrible writing. I mean, one season is about how a character murders somebody…and amazingly gets away with it. It’s a misstep that any other television show could never recover from. But FNL did.

Also, after spending three emotionally charged seasons with an outstanding set of characters, we get introduced to a different set of characters that take over the storylines. Few shows can pull that off.

It’s brilliant.

It also changed my life. I couldn’t watch the series finale because I was crying too much because I was REALLY fucking high.

“But James, I don’t like American football.”

That’s horseshit and you know it.

As Coach Taylor says: “Everyone loves football, they just don’t know it yet.”