And yet another shot at the title (part xviii)

Dan and I decided to calm ourselves by gnawing on some Ding Dong’s we pulled from the vending machine. By that point I had resigned myself to my fate: In just a matter of hours, I would be laying in pool of my own blood in the basement.

“It was a good run,” I told Dan. “Sure, thousands, if not millions, of people died due to my ill advised business ventures. But hey, at least I made a few good films.”

Dan was clearly exhausted. His eyes were still bloodshot from all the crying. “You can’t give up,” he said.

“What other option do we have?” I shrugged. “Let’s face it, I’ve lost my fight. I’m an old dog waiting to be put out of its misery. Let’s just go back into the courtroom and tell Jimmy he’ll have his filthy $52 billion by the end of the day.”

“As your attorney, I suggest we throw up more smoke and mirrors until we come up with another plan,” Dan advised.

“Nah, fuck it. I’m ready to die.”

“Look,” Dan firmly stated, “we have a few more minutes before court’s back in session. Let me take a shit then we’ll discuss this further.”

Dan stood up, ass clinched, and waddled into the bathroom. I walked out to the courthouse steps. I took a deep breath of the smog filled air and admired the trash-littered scenery of Los Angeles. Life becomes a bit more sweeter when you know you’re about to die; You think about to your loved ones and enemies alike, all the people who have wronged you in the past are forgiven. I no longer desired to strangle the Chick-fil-A®️ manager. My preoccupation with wanting to violently murder Dennis Hopper faded away. I was completely emptied of the hatred that weighed me down for so many years.

In that singular moment, everything clicked. Life is beautiful, I thought.

“James,” a sweet voice said behind me.

Then it all changed.

“Cassandra,” I blankly stated. “What are you doing here?”

Cassandra bashfully stepped forward. “I heard Shapiro is Jimmy’s attorney,” she explained. “He’s in on all of this too.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Dennis hopper man!

It’s been nearly 13 years since the late Dennis Hopper’s death and I still haven’t gotten over it. Obviously the greatest actor who ever lived, Hopper’s career spanned six decades.

I was laughing to myself the other day thinking about Hopper as a man who dedicated his entire life to the Army, even becoming a general, only to regret everything. “Hey man! This is bullshit! The Army’s bullshit man! Fuck you and fuck my life!”he yelled. Maybe you have to have served to find that funny. But then I remembered: Dennis Hopper DID play an Army Colonel in some shitty TV show called the E-Ring.

It’s a shame though that 90% of the Dennis Hopper clips on YouTube are of him being racist in True Romance. There’s so much more to his performances; from being a cartoonish villain in Super Mario Bros. to being another cartoonish villain in Waterworld. People never appreciated the subtlety to his acting. That’s why I’m disappointed that no one has made a smash cut of his best scenes in E-Ring.

That being said, you can get entire episodes of the E-Ring on YouTube but I don’t want to watch that shit again. Nevertheless, here’s the first episode from the series:

“blue thunder” and “backtrack” (aka Catchfire”)

I watched two movies back-to-back (unintentionally) that had helicopter chases.

The first was Blue Thunder, staring the greatest leading man of all time…Roy Scheider. It is also the greatest movie that Paul Verhoeven never made.

No disrespect to the highly competent John Badham, but Verhoeven would have crushed the shit out of this material. The film takes place in 1980s LA and is about a police pilot and Vietnam vet, played by Scheider, who gets introduced to a military-style helicopter that the city wants to use for patrol. The villain is Malcolm McDowell, a British man that somehow became a Lt. Colonel in the US Army, who for some contrived reason wants to kill Scheider. The fascistic overtones are right up Verhoeven’s alley, and even some of the story beats would be echoed in Robocop four years later.

But the movie looks incredible. John A. Alonzo is really an unsung hero in the field of cinematography. The handheld work is really ahead of its time, and masterfully done. After watching the first scene of Scheider walking out to his helicopter, I was shocked that this came out in 1983. It’s a natural look that even films today have trouble emulating.

And that final helicopter chase was incredible. All of the concerns that Scheider’s character had regarding public safety goes out the window once when he gets hunted by fighter jets and Malcolm McDowell. Chicken factories and buildings get blown up while debris falls on the people below. Meanwhile, Candy Clark drives like a bat out of hell down the streets of LA. As far as 80s action movies go, I’m not saying that it’s up there with the Schwarzenegger, Verhoeven, and John McTiernan classics, but it is very good. In fact, I would say it was a prototype for subsequent 80s flicks.

The other film was less of a banger but no less interesting (for various reasons). It was Dennis Hopper’s Backtrack (or Catchfire, idk). There are apparently two versions: theatrical cut and a directors cut. I guess I watched the director’s cut.

Hopper himself was apparently dissatisfied with the original version and had his “directed by” credit given to Alan Smithee. Honestly, he should have taken his name off the director’s cut as well.

What’s it about? Not sure.

I think Jodie Foster accidentally sees a mob hit by Joe Pesci and Pesci tries to track her down by hiring Hopper and Hopper falls in love with her (and she with him).

Now I’ll say this because I’ve said enough about dude’s bodies in this blog and it’s time women get their due: Jodie Foster is fiiiiiiiiiiiine as hell in this movie. You could say that I was “sexually attracted” to her. It made me uncomfortable (in my pants specifically). I could understand why Hopper didn’t want to kill her.

But the problem with this movie (one of many) is that Dennis Hopper is, I’m sorry to say, not fit for the role. Hopper is at least 25 years older than Foster. There’s nothing romantic about their scenes together. They’re downright creepy. It’s a role that someone like Nicholas Cage, Mickey Rourke, or Sean Penn could have aced at that time.

That being said, Hopper REALLY makes some decisions in this movie, both in front of and behind the camera. To be honest, I don’t even know what he’s trying to do. Is that accent New York or Cajun? Does he know his lines or is he just making shit up? Now no one on God’s green earth could have saved this screenplay, but Hopper’s visual flair and strange acting decisions steal the show…almost to the point where you forget that heavy hitters like Joe Pesci and Vincent Price are also in the movie.

RIP Dennis Hopper and Roy Scheider 😔

Dennis Hopper: GOAT

Phil Spector, Carrie Fisher, Stevie Nicks, and the greatest of all, Dennis Hopper, are all on the Mount Rushmore of cocaine addicts.

In case you forgot, Mr. Hopper was the star in over 104,000 films

Dennis Hopper brought an intensity to his craft that has yet to be matched. In addition to his acting, his talents also extended behind the camera as director of such unforgettable classics like The Last Movie, Colors, Out of the Blue, and Chasers (starring a peak form Tom Berenger).

The 1969 film, Easy Rider, Hopper’s directorial debut, kickstarted the “auteur” fad in Hollywood that extended throughout the 1970’s (which ended in 1983 when, again, three people were killed. And again, RIP). Sadly, the 70s saw Dennis Hopper’s acting career more or less flatline, which was likely due to his aforementioned cocaine addiction (which is unfortunate. The decline of his acting career that is. Not his crippling cocaine addiction).

However, there was a Dennis Hopper renaissance in the 1980s, with the height of his success coming in 1986 as the sadistic Frank Booth in Blue Velvet and the alcoholic Shooter in Hoosiers.

Hopper rode this newfound fame on into the 90s and 2000s, saying ‘yes’ to any script that was handed to him. Who can forget the time he fought Keanu Reeves on top of a train in Speed? Or taught Kevin Costner how to act in a bad movie for Waterworld? Or gave the greatest racist monologue in the history of film (written by Quentin Tarantino) in True Romance?

Dennis Hopper passed away in 2010.

No matter the script (remember, he was in Super Mario Bros.), no matter the personal dramas in his life, Dennis Hopper always gave it his all.

He was an actor’s actor.

He was the GOAT.