Tag: Crap

writer’s block

“Give me a ticket to the farthest away place you fly,” I asked the airlines employees.

“That will be $38,762 sir,” she replied.

I handed her my credit card.

“Would you like to know where you’re going?” she asked.

“Nope”

Hours later the plane landed. At the airport people were shitting on the floor and speaking a language I didn’t understand.

“Where is this shithole?” I asked my cab driver.

“This is Indianapolis sir.”

THE END

100 Girls: was that—a movie?

Kids forget, but there was a time before 9/11.

No one’s proud of it. But it happened.

Evidence for such a decade is the 2000 film 100 Girls. It’s hard to believe they used to make movies like that.

The plot’s pretty simple: some dude in college loses his virginity in an elevator like it’s some big deal. Then he spends the rest of the movie looking for this mystery girl in a dormitory.

His roommate also has a fucked up penis.

If this was a typical boner comedy, it probably would have been standard background noise.

You see, discussions on the differences between men and women used to be “interesting” to people. Not to me though. I thought girls were just boys with vaginas and left it at that. I would know because I’ve definitely seen a vagina. But 20 years ago, people didn’t know that.

So there were things like The Man Show, Kevin Smith films, American Pie, etc. The difference is though, occasionally those things would be funny.

100 Girls attempts to elevate the formula. And the moral of the story is this:

“Girls have boobs. But did you they also have personality? What a revelation!”

*Cue Bowling For Soup.

So be thankful that you live in a time of terrorism, pandemics, catastrophic climate change, massive wealth inequality, and dying democracies.

At least it isn’t the 90’s.

food sucks

Of all the human experiences, eating is the most overrated.

Fucking is the second most.

I get pissed whenever I’m hungry. I have to stop whatever I’m doing and shove some form of digestible objects into my face hole. I hate it.

I eat to live. Not live to eat.

“How do you like your steak?” people always ask me.

Fuck steak!

“But sir, you’re eating spiders off the ground.”

So?

God put them there.

Cooking is the biggest waste of time. You spend 30 minutes making something that you’ll only enjoy for 10? Fuck that.

“But you’re missing out on one of the great pleasures in life,” you might say.

No. Drugs and alcohol are pleasurable. Food is for survival.

And there’s free food all around us. So don’t judge me for eating the popcorn on the theater floor.

Joke’s on you.

pubic discourse

Yes I wrote “pubic” instead of “public”. I ain’t changing it.

I’m a hermit. I don’t go out into public for shit.

Grocery shopping? That’s why god made Amazon.

Gas stations? My car got repossessed. Checkmate Big Oil!

But I went inside a Cracker Barrel today. Probably for the first time in years.

I’m always intrigued by how we equate our freedom with being able to consume products. It’s just one of the many absurdities in modern life.

But my approach to customer service is always purely transactional. I don’t expect to be tugged off. I don’t even expect eye contact.

Customer service is always underpaid and undervalued and I just want to make your job easier because you don’t want to be there as much as I don’t want to be there. It always amazes that there’s jackasses out there that don’t understand this.

So I went into Cracker Barrel to pick up my meal because I refuse to eat with the dirty, filthy masses. It was supposed to be brought out to my car (that got temporarily unposessessed, of course, just so I could pick up this meal) but the check-in app wasn’t working and no one was answering the phone.

So I walked in and some old fart was flirting it up with the 19 year old cashier just trying to pay the bills while his kids were running around and fucking shit up. I said “hey buddy! This is Cracker Barrel! If waitresses wanted you to hit on them then this would be a Denny’s!”. Then I swung my foot into his penis.

I really wish people would learn how to behave in public smh 🤦‍♂️

the matrix sucks (and so does it’s philosophy)

Honestly, I barely remember the Matrix. It was forgettable and bland, much like Keanu Reeves.

I’ve never seen the sequels and I never will.

Unfortunately it has left an indelible mark on our social consciousness, so I can’t but be reminded of it every time I look at the internet.

The philosophy of the Matrix has always kind of annoyed me. I don’t know if that’s the fault of the film, or by the malcontents that roam the web.

I’m vaguely familiar with Jean Baudrillard. I guess much of the film’s philosophy is influenced by his work, specifically Simulacra and Simulation. Never read it. But a quick Google search would suggest that there’s some overlap with my own personal philosophy which I discussed in “the joker sucks” series.

Since I never read Baudrillard (and probably never will) I can’t provide a valuable critique, but I’d venture to say that I’d break from his central thesis: that reality is somehow made “less real” by excessive use of “symbols”,“consumerism”, or “late stage capitalism”. (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong on that thesis)

Reality IS distorted by human perception, and human perception is, to a degree, culturally constructed. But reality is, by definition really, real…regardless of how our perceptions change.

So, in reality, “the Matrix” in the Matrix is actually Reality, and the “desert of the real” (with all the mythology and sinister forces at play) is actually the Fantasy.

None of this matters to the quality of the film AS A FILM, but when its philosophy is utilized as genuine cultural critique by internet malcontents, they completely miss the irony.

The truth of the matter is that I don’t know what the Internet is. Is it real? A pointless fantasy projected onto real physical materiality? The “Real” Matrix that we all must escape from?

I guess it’s just mental masturbation for me.

Anyways, shit’s boring. Lost my train of thought. Basically I’m saying the same shit in “the joker sucks” but I’m applying it to the Matrix because the two are overused memes from overrated films.

Also, recognize fantasy when you see it.

Again, sorry for my tiny dick