Perhaps you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, but Diamonds Are Forever is one of the few movies where James Bond shags ONE woman only. It’s true. I’ve done the math. After years of research, I’ve concluded that Bond has bedded with absolute unambiguity 56 women across 25 films. This comes to exactly 2.24 women per film, meaning that DAF is well below the average. In fact, we don’t see these low of numbers again until Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace. Did you know THAT? Yes, in CR, Bond only has coitus with Vesper. He came close with Solange, but if you recall, that attempt was cut short by a trip to Miami. And in QoS, Bond only sleeps with Strawberry Fields and NOT the female lead Camille. Again, Diamonds Are Forever was ahead of its time. People THINK that prior to Daniel Craig, Timothy Dalton was the first to only sleep with one woman in The Living Daylights in 1987 (as a way to put a cap on 007’s promiscuity in a response to the AIDS epidemic). But this is a false assumption: in TLD, Bond DEFINITELY has sex with a bikini-clad woman on a yacht in the cold open IN ADDITION to sleeping with Maryam d’Abo’s Kara, meaning that Bond slept with TWO women in TLD which puts that film only slightly below the average.

The numbers don’t lie, folks.

Yet it seems like Bond is just as promiscuous as we have come to expect in Diamonds Are Forever. Why is that?

I think it’s for a few reasons: 1) it’s clearly the 1970s, the most disgusting and shameless decade in human history. 2) Bond interacts with a total of four bikini-clad women throughout the film, two of which kick the shit out of him. 3) Plenty O’Toole. 4) Bond is shown rolling around and implied naked TWICE in bed with a woman.

On the first point, there’s something scummy about the 1970s that give the impression that Bond is out raw-dogging every woman he comes across in Las Vegas (and perhaps he is, but it’s never shown on film). On the second point, while I haven’t ran the numbers on the amount of bikini clad women per film (if I had to guess, YOLT blows this average out of the water), it seems like DAF is a bit above the average. Astute observers of the third point will recall that Bond doesn’t actually sleep with Plenty O’Toole. And on the final point, while showing Bond shirtless and in bed with a woman TWICE is actually slightly above average for a Bond film, in DAF, both times it is with Tiffany Case.

Now let me drop another truth bomb: since we’re at the point in the story where Bond links back up with Tiffany in Las Vegas, he is seen briefly holding his signature Walther PPK. It’s one of the few moments in DAF where he does so. And throughout the film, Bond NEVER kills someone by firing a bullet and, indeed, never fires a bullet at all. I will admit my research may be a little fuzzy, but I will assert that this is the only film where this occurs.

Don’t believe me? Let’s break down the numbers shall we. According to my estimation, James Bond kills 8 people in DAF. Their methods of death are as follows:

2 by drowning. 1 by repeated stabbing. 1 by thrown off balcony. 1 shot in the head by grappling hook. 1 by aquatic vehicle bodily trauma (presumably). 1 by fire. 1 by explosion.

Total: 8 deaths.

If you will note, one individual is shot in the head. HOWEVER, Bond does not do this using a traditional gun but a GRAPPLING gun. That’s a huge distinction. It should also be noted that Blofeld’s final death could be disputed. We don’t actually see him perish and if you recall the cold open to For Your Eyes Only, Blofeld reappears badly injured only to meet his actual death by falling into a smokestack (is FYEO the direct sequel to DAF? You be the judge). This would be James Bond’s actual death toll in DAF down to 7.

For as much flack as DAF receives, it could be argued that this is where James Bond is at his most humane.

TO BE CONTINUED…