Apparently the image I posted above is FALSE according to the great minds of Facebook and Instagram smh
Allegedly, the couple isn’t fucking. They’re “faith healing”.
Since I’ve been firing blanks for the last 50 years, I was curious if this method of conception actually worked. But Facebook and Instagram are too afraid of me asking questions.
I guess freedom of speech is under attack folks. There’s no other way of putting it.
“😭😭😭it’s false information!!!! 😭😭😭” you might say.
There’s no such thing!
Everything you read should be treated as TRUTH until proven otherwise. ESPECIALLY on the internet!!!
THAT’S how free speech works! And I’m DAMN sure not gonna let Mark Zuckerberg, who definitely fact checked this personally, tell me what is FALSE…especially on a platform that I interact with by choice!!!
I can’t wait to be old. Not because I get to be an old bastard, but because I’ll be one step closer to death.
But I can see what it will be like.
Younger generations will be bitching about nuclear radiation, rising sea levels, unreal wealth inequality, the re-institution of debt prisons and chattel slavery, and our government’s inability to prevent asteroids from pummeling the Earth. Meanwhile, I’ll be wagging my finger, saying, “back in my day, we had to submit 9000 applications before we got an interview.”
This is why Gen X is the best generation: born too late to be held accountable, born too early to give a shit 👍
Alright, this week was much better on Tubi. I think I finished every movie I started.
There were a few good ones. Or at least a few notable ones.
Frankenhooker (1990)
It’s a shame that few actors make it in the industry. Whoever played the lead had a performance for the ages.
I hesitate to call it a “comedic” performance, although he was quite funny. But the actor perfectly encapsulated the madness and obsession that that role called for.
I can easily see the pitch for this movie:
Producer: “are there going to be boobs in the movie?”
Director: “yes but they’re all going to explode.”
Producer: “but there will be boobs?”
Now this film has quite a following. Hell, it even has a Bill Murray seal of approval, so it might not be as obscure as I’d like it to be. But it’s cult status is well earned and you should check it out.
Maniac (1980)
It’s a fairly simple concept: a maniac runs around Manhattan killing a bunch of people. But it’s pretty well executed.
And speaking of execution, it has one of the best head explosion scenes in film history (again, courtesy of the legend himself: Tom Savini…who I also think played character getting his head blown off)
The Forbidden Zone (1980)
It’s not a horror film. I don’t know what it is.
A musical?
I can handle weird. That’s not a problem. But you gotta suck audiences in. Once when they’re in, they have no choice but to sit there and watch it because they’re that engrossed. That’s not this movie.
It stars Herve Villechaize because he never turned down a paycheck, and features music from a group that eventually became Oingo Boingo.
It’s not my cup of tea, but I’m sure the theater nerds love it.
Sorry about my halfassed posts as of late. I’m working on another project that’s taking up most of my creative energy. And that’s in addition to being employed at the toilet factory and fathering 27 kids.
But as I always say: “anything worth doing is worth losing your sanity over.”
So anyway, if anything seemed off, that’s why. Look forward to my next phoned in post. 🤷♂️
My tastes have become so narrowed that I really have to wring out the internet to find something I want to read and watch. Thankfully I came across Joseph D. Newcomer’s book Diminishing Return last year and I’ve been a fan ever since.
I finished reading the anthology From the Dead, which features the work of many other wonderful writers, and the Darkest Day over the weekend. It was just what the doctor ordered.
“So what are these stories about?” You might ask.
Not sure. don’t know how to read 🤷♂️
So you’ll have to check them out yourself.
But to give you a taste: you know, like, how your mind starts to wonder on a long car ride so you start coming up with strange scenarios: what if I get mindfucked by a drier monster? Or, what if Elon Musk manufactured another 9/11? And now imagine if these outrageous scenarios became full fledged stories, much like that delightful episode of Black Mirror where the Prime Minister fucks a pig on live TV.
That’s the work of Joseph D. Newcomer. That’s Dead Star Press.
You can find these works and other merchandise here at Dead Star Press.
Finally the conclusion to a disastrous story. Let’s just hope we’ve seen the end of this “Christian erotica” sub genre.
Just want to tell you guys that you are all disgusting, deplorable people for making me write this.
“Now that’s what I call a successful camping trip!” John said as he way laying in the hospital bed.
“But John,” Alyssa said, “you were mauled by a bear and violently killed three people. How was that in anyway successful?”
“Well I had a good time.”
The doctor came into the room with a huge smile on his face. “Great news everyone,” he began, “John you will never have use of your right arm again.”
“How is that good news?” John asked.
“Now that you no longer have use in that arm, the excess blood can flow into your massively large penis. You can now achieve a full erection.”
John began to weep for joy. “Thank you Jesus! I knew this had to happen for a reason.”
Alyssa walked up to his bedside and held his hand. “I’m happy for you John,” she said, “maybe you can share some of that happiness with me.”
“What do you mean?”
“John, I kept trying to tell you in the woods: I love you. I want to spend my life with you.”
John squeezed her hand in response. “I feel the same way Alyssa,” he replied. “I was afraid that because my penis is so big and you saw me shit all over myself, I didn’t think you’d like me.”
Alyssa smiled and put her hand to his face. “I love you for you,” she said, then kissed him on the mouth.
But Alyssa couldn’t help but wonder: “Let’s see if what the doctor said is true,” she said. She placed her hand right on his weiner.
John began to pitch a tent underneath the covers.
Then Ted, Geoff, and Becky came into the hospital room. “Hey hey!” Ted said, “We heard the good news.”
John’s boner was standing at full attention, plain as day. Ted placed his hand on John’s penis and began to pray. “Dear lord,” he said, “I just want to thank you for healing Brother John. Please use this wonderful penis for your glory. Amen.”
“Amen!” Geoff said.
“So what are you guys doing?” Ted asked.
“John and I are getting married!” Alyssa replied.
“Hallelujah!” Ted exclaimed. “Were you two about engage in premarital sex?”
“I was thinking about it,” Alyssa said.
“You know that you can always come to me for advice,” Ted said, “I’m your pastor, and I’ve seen a lot of things. And let me tell you: if you’ve never had 14 inches inside of you, you need to be prepared.”
“This is true,” Becky said, “perhaps we should give you a demonstration.”
“Oh?” Alyssa replied.
Becky stripped away the sheets over John, which exposed his bare 14 inch erection. “As your fiancé, Becky,” Geoff said, “I should help you.”
Geoff removed John’s gown and began licking his nipples. “Aaaaaamen!” Ted declared as he began masturbating his penis. Geoff and Becky stripped off their clothes and climbed on top of John.
Becky placed John’s ginormous member between her legs while Geoff sat on his face and got his ass ate out. The two lovers on top began passionately kissing. “I love you baby,” Geoff said to Becky. “I love you too.”
The doctor walked into the room and slapped Alyssa on the back. “Love’s a beautiful thing, isn’t it?”
Two weeks later, John and Alyssa were married. While consummating their marriage, Alyssa experienced her first orgasm. Which is why this story is called The First Coming.
They lived happily ever after.
***
Geoff and Alyssa’s parents died of starvation in a North Korean prison three months later.
The two grieving siblings never received their parent’s remains.
Guys, honestly, I just want to get through this story as quickly and painlessly as possible. I don’t like it anymore than you do.
But we gotta get through it.
Sorry 🤷♂️
John’s abnormally large penis continued to dangle in the wind the next morning. “I need full mobility,” he said, “if I wore the loincloth, I would be constricted.”
Alyssa didn’t argue as she was ready to return to civilization. She was concerned for her brother, Geoff, who was usually always by her side.
“We’re running out of water,” Alyssa said while they were trekking through the woods.
“You needn’t worry,” John replied as he was urinating in his canteen. “My kidneys work at 100% efficiency. I piss pure water.”
Alyssa took a swig from the canteen. The water tasted as pure as a cold mountain spring. She couldn’t contain her feelings any longer. “John, we need to talk,” she said.
“Not now. I’m about to strangle a raccoon.”
“John I love you. I know that we met last week, but you’re the man I’ve been waiting for. When we get out of the woods, I want to settle down and spend the rest of my life with you. I think God put us together for a reason. Please…please, I hope you feel the same way.”
“My ass!” John screamed as he started writhing on the forrest floor.
“What’s wrong?!” Alyssa asked.
“My IBS is acting up!”
Alyssa began consoling John as he ceaselessly shat himself. To make matters worse, she noticed two small bear cubs investigating the scene. “Please God, help us!” she prayed.
Without warning, the mother bear snuck up and bit into Alyssa’s hair, flinging her several feet away. John, being an experienced survivalist, started to play dead.
The mother bear sniffed John’s body, and bit a chunk out of his shoulder. As he screamed out, she bit into his arm and started shaking him like a rag doll.
As John passed out from shock, the bear began sniffing his buttcrack. Because he was unconscious, he no longer had control of his faculties. Shit started squirting out of his rectum and onto the startled bear. Frightened by the horrendous stench, the bear and her two cubs fled the scene.
Alyssa was momentarily knocked out from the throw. When she awoke, she saw John’s blood and shit soaked body laying unconscious. “John!” she screamed.
She made a makeshift tourniquet using her shirt which successfully stopped the bleeding.
“John! John! Wake up!” Alyssa yelled as she smacked his face.
“Everything will be alright, Alyssa. I’ve been in this situation many times before,” John said as he came to. “Just do as I say: I don’t think I can walk. You’re gonna have to drag me to safety.”
She began to cry. “I don’t think I’m strong enough!”
Using his one good arm, John grabbed her head. “God never burdens us with more than we can handle,” he assured her, “you can do this.”
She nodded and prayed as tears streamed down her face. Using all her might, Alyssa threw John’s arm around her neck and lifted John’s limp body around her shoulders.
***
“I can’t get cell phone reception out here,” Geoff said as he was floating down river with Ted and Becky.
“That’s because you’re using a Motorola StarTAC. Those things haven’t worked since 1998,” Ted replied.
Becky was sitting restlessly in the middle of the canoe. “I’m sure Alyssa and John are fine. I’m ready to go home. Let the park rangers find them,” she said.
“No!” Ted exclaimed. “I swore an oath to God that I would protect Alyssa’s virginity and I intend to keep that oath!”
“But Alyssa’s not a virgin,” Geoff said.
“How do you know?”
“Because I read her journal and sniff her panty-uhh, I mean-I’m her brother. She tells me these things.”
“Nevertheless,” Ted continued, “if she’s gonna have sex with John outside of marriage, her pastor has to be there to watch it. The Bible says so.”
Becky and Geoff nodded in agreement and continued to watch the river’s edge for signs of John and Alyssa.
“There!” Geoff yelled out.
Several yards ahead was a short topless woman carrying a large naked man around her shoulders. “Praise Jesus and all of his Glory!” Ted cried out.
The Internet Ruined Everything 