Folks, we are at a strange impasse in human affairs. All of us are in a state-of-emergency level of horniness and no one wants to fuck (except me, of course. I’ve never been horny in my life). This is not the future that any of us had envisioned. If Gene Roddenberry knew what was going on, he’d be rolling over in his grave. Personally, I find sex disgusting. Moreover, I think you should feel deep shame for desiring it. But this isn’t my problem to fix. That’s a burden that falls squarely on your shoulders, bucko. There are, of course, many reasons behind this phenomenon. Internet pornography, sedentary lifestyles, poor diets, being overworked, over stressed, etc etc which has led to a breakdown in social relationships between men and women. Which is why my solution is to shut down everything, fire everyone, and put the gays in charge because as of right now, only they have any sense of moral clarity. But naturally this breakdown has had its political repercussions. Of course, I’m talking about incels here, but I’m also speaking about young men being pushed into right wing spaces more broadly.

I’m not gonna rehash that bullshit here. Plenty of digital ink has been spilled on the subject. Instead, I wish to draw attention to an overlooked microcosm of this breakdown, and perhaps an unexpected one. I’m speaking, of course, of the YouTube ASMR community. For those who don’t know, well —one, listen up grandpa—but two, ASMR is those soft, gentle noises that helps one relax and often provides those inexplicable tingles that go up your back. People who provide these sounds, more often than not via YouTube, call themselves “ASMRtists”. Is it weird? On its surface, yes. And both ASMRtists and consumers are aware of that. To some degree or another, that’s part of its charm. HOWEVER, from my perspective, it’s mostly an innocent community DESPITE being just a hair away from being overtly sexual. It’s like an auditory massage where the masseuse can demonstrate their personality more freely. Can it be sexual? If you want it to be. But if you achieve an erection while listening, much like with getting a massage, than more than likely it’s due to a natural response rather than being totally aroused.

NOW, because this is an internet phenomenon, it was only a matter of time before this community became “pornified”, for lack of a better description. Did all the innocent material vanish from the interwebs? No. In fact ASMR, at least on YouTube, is still overwhelmingly innocent things like tapping, hair brushing, gum chewing, rambling, etc. But there are a number of creators, some popular, who tend to “push the boundaries”, so to speak. Personally, I don’t give a shit. But others believe this to be an abomination. Here’s one such fella:

https://youtu.be/NSncdClbX34?si=vvDfyoRh1fDFlzRN

If you can’t see the video, that’s a you problem. Just click the link.

First off, I respect this gentleman’s reverence for the ASMR community. Additionally, he has at least one good point. ASMR creators who break YouTube guidelines often end up harming other rule-abiding creators in the process. This was a huge problem at least a year ago. And he raises concerns about age and parental involvement. All valid points. Yet in my view, those aren’t his main concerns. His main concern is maintaining the purity of ASMR and the sanctity of YouTube as a platform.

He states that YouTubers who have sexualized ASMR have distorted the original purpose of ASMR. This is a common logical pitfall that falls apart immediately upon inspection. First off, who wrote the rules? Secondly, if parameters were ever established for ASMR, what’s the governing authority that decides the guidelines? Do ASMRtists have to be licensed? And thirdly, most importantly, what the fuck is ASMR? I know it’s an acronym that means something. But really, what is it? Is it a form of therapy? Is it performance art of some sort? We can’t even categorically define what ASMR is, let alone ascertain any sort of purpose. In short, there is no right or wrong way to do ASMR, other than provide some vague notion of relaxation, however defined by the individual consuming it.

Now onto YouTube itself. I get it. Some people spoil all the fun for others. As for protecting minors, it’s the same story. Parents should closely monitor what their kids view and share on the internet. I’m not fully up to date on YouTube guidelines, but perhaps there needs to be more stringent age verification measures. I dunno. Regardless, I fail to see any criminal intent on behalf of YouTubers putting heavy hints of sex in their videos. It’s funny how we get up in arms over the possibility of nudity and depictions of sex but hardly bat an eye when violent images come across our screen. But this fella goes on to state that if you’re looking to goon, you should go to a porn site. Fair enough but it honestly makes little difference. YouTube may be a “public space” on the internet, but it is not a public space in the real world. It’s not a bar. YouTube streams onto our devices, wherever we may be. We don’t stream onto it (unless you’re a creator). If me and another guy on the other side of the world are watching a video simultaneously—me with my pants on, and he with his pants off and dick out—him stroking his cock to the same thing I’m watching doesn’t affect me one iota. But if we were in a movie theater, it would be a way different story. And that’s a big difference. Masturbating in public is crime and it makes people uncomfortable, as where masturbating in the privacy of your own home to legal material is not. It only becomes weird if you start telling people what you’re jerking it to, either in person or on the internet, without being solicited.

Does that make sense?

(Continues in part II)