existential dread

“Your test results are positive,” the doctor said as he sat grimly behind his desk.

I took a deep breath. “What does this mean?” I asked.

“You’re perfectly healthy. Not a damn thing is wrong with you. You are going to live a very, VERY long life.”

I sighed.

“This is terrible news doc.”

THE END

nicholas cage: the biography of nicholas cage.

It must be difficult being the greatest living actor.

From the time he recited the alphabet in Vampire’s Kiss, the world would never be the same.

Sure Nicholas Cage smashed box office records, won Academy Awards, and had sex with Patricia Arquette, but there was one thing he could never land: the role of Kal-El, aka Superman, in Tim Burton’s Superman Lives.

It’s a loss from which the world will never recover.

So our national treasure had to wonder the earth, forced to take whatever role was handed to him. But there was a gap in his soul the size of $6.5 million worth of unpaid back taxes.

But in his mind, he remains the invincible hero we all know him to be—thanks in part to prolonged cocaine use.

Nicholas Cage: The Movie.

A film by Nicholas Cage

another underrated experience: walking

“What are you going to say now James? That you’ve never walked a step in your life?”

That is correct.

But I get the appeal.

And I’m not talking about “hiking” or “speed walking”. That’s some white people bullshit.

I’m talking about walking in a straight line on a flat plane. It’s great: putting one foot in front of the other, just wondering aimlessly because you’ve got nowhere to go because you’re unemployed and your kids won’t talk to you.

Nothing beats it.

Except for black tar heroin.

midlife crisis

I ain’t gonna lie.

I did exactly what I wanted to do for nine straight years: drink in excess.

So it’s hard for me to say that I regret nearly a decade of my life. There were some great fucking times.

But were there regrets? Situations I could’ve handled better? People I could’ve been nicer to?

Oh yeah! You bet!

The truth is, where I came from, I overstayed my welcome. A good friend told me, for my own well-being, that he better not see my face in these bars ever again.

He meant it.

I never returned. Never spoke with him again.

Some things are meant to be forgotten.

But I can’t help but think: do all my old friends hate me? Do they think about me as much as I think about them?

I suppose that we all separated for the better. It just nags me that there are those I spent years with, whose lives instantly got better once when I left.

Of course my life got better too when I left them.

Maybe I’m just overstating my self importance.

Maybe it’s hard for me to accept that time is gaining on me.

writer’s block ii

So I was about to blackout at the bar when an elderly woman sat next to me.

“Get me a bourbon Bill. Make it a double,” she told the bartender. “It happened again.”

“What happened again?” I asked her.

“AIDS”

THE END

u know what else sucks? pooping

Brown stuff coming out your butt?

What’s up with that?

***

Of course, I’VE never pooped in my life. But some of you have.

You should probably go see a doctor tbh

food sucks

Of all the human experiences, eating is the most overrated.

Fucking is the second most.

I get pissed whenever I’m hungry. I have to stop whatever I’m doing and shove some form of digestible objects into my face hole. I hate it.

I eat to live. Not live to eat.

“How do you like your steak?” people always ask me.

Fuck steak!

“But sir, you’re eating spiders off the ground.”

So?

God put them there.

Cooking is the biggest waste of time. You spend 30 minutes making something that you’ll only enjoy for 10? Fuck that.

“But you’re missing out on one of the great pleasures in life,” you might say.

No. Drugs and alcohol are pleasurable. Food is for survival.

And there’s free food all around us. So don’t judge me for eating the popcorn on the theater floor.

Joke’s on you.

pubic discourse

Yes I wrote “pubic” instead of “public”. I ain’t changing it.

I’m a hermit. I don’t go out into public for shit.

Grocery shopping? That’s why god made Amazon.

Gas stations? My car got repossessed. Checkmate Big Oil!

But I went inside a Cracker Barrel today. Probably for the first time in years.

I’m always intrigued by how we equate our freedom with being able to consume products. It’s just one of the many absurdities in modern life.

But my approach to customer service is always purely transactional. I don’t expect to be tugged off. I don’t even expect eye contact.

Customer service is always underpaid and undervalued and I just want to make your job easier because you don’t want to be there as much as I don’t want to be there. It always amazes that there’s jackasses out there that don’t understand this.

So I went into Cracker Barrel to pick up my meal because I refuse to eat with the dirty, filthy masses. It was supposed to be brought out to my car (that got temporarily unposessessed, of course, just so I could pick up this meal) but the check-in app wasn’t working and no one was answering the phone.

So I walked in and some old fart was flirting it up with the 19 year old cashier just trying to pay the bills while his kids were running around and fucking shit up. I said “hey buddy! This is Cracker Barrel! If waitresses wanted you to hit on them then this would be a Denny’s!”. Then I swung my foot into his penis.

I really wish people would learn how to behave in public smh 🤦‍♂️