It’s my favorite time of the year: tornado season.
I’ve never seen a tornado. I’m sure it’s a pants-shitting experience, but I’ve always wanted to see one.
Until then, I’d like to petition Criterion to release an edition of the greatest documentary of the 90s…Twister: Fury on the Plains.
I’m sure VHS copies of this video are hard to come by. So Criterion…do the right thing. It’s very important that history remembers this cheap ass video that was produced to cash in on the success of Twister.
So the cops showed up to my house after midnight. “Someone heard gunshots coming from this residence,” the officer said.
“So what?” I replied.
“Is everything alright?”
“Fuck no! Why do you think there were gun shots?!”
The end
So someone told me to turn down my Oingo Boingo CD while I was loitering at Starbucks.
“Fuck you buddy!” I said, “if I wanted to listen to good music I’d listen to James Blunt!”
Finally the barista asked me if I wanted to order anything. “Heh. No thanks,” I replied, “I just come here to get offended at things.”
…it’s Newshart and Bob Newhart keeps shitting his pants 🤔
Finally kicked the nicotine cravings, meaning for the first time in nearly 15 years I haven’t been addicted to alcohol and/or tobacco.
And I feel fuckin incredible!
Why didn’t anybody tell me this would happen?
So I’ve just been PUMPING iron. I’m gonna get back into shape.
What sucks is now that I don’t feel like shit 24/7, I’ve lost my creative fuel. That’s right, my misery drives my creative thoughts.
In other words, fuck this blog. Writing is stupid anyway. Might shift into photography/travel which is what I’ve been wanting to do for the last few months.
But that’s an expensive habit and I’m a cheapskate. So who knows when I’ll get around to that.
Deuces!
Great news guys!
From IMDB:
30 years after winning the World Series, former Chicago Cubs pitcher Henry Rowengartner crushes all of his limbs in a DUI crash that leaves 15 dead. When he recovers, his arms and legs are more powerful than ever. In lieu of prison time, Henry is court ordered to play quarterback for the Chicago Bears.
The former 12 year old baseball phenom traverses the NFL season trying to repair his reputation and the damaged relationship with his estranged daughter, who in an act of defiance, has taken up a relationship with her father’s primary competitor for the job: Nick “Big Dick” Foles.
As the Bears reach the NFC Championship, where they face division rivals Green Bay Packers (“A-Rod’s got a tiny dick!”) Henry is again involved in a DUI crash and loses all his powers.
“Will the Chicago Bears make it to the Super Bowl? (yes). Find out in Rookie of the Year II: In the Pocket.
I got the vaccine nearly a year ago…to own the libs of course…now I owe half of West Virginia child support!
Aren’t I supposed to be firing blanks by now?
Fooled again by big pharma smh
Yeah I hate living. It’s a cursed gift from the universe. And I think life sucks because everyone before you and me didn’t do shit to make the world a place worth living in. So sure, enjoy life because it’s the only one we’ll get. But also, it’s a responsibility.
So if your approach to living is to get what you can out of it then die: fuck you. If that’s the case, life really does lack meaning. But to bring purpose to our meaningless existence, then we gotta recognize our responsibilities to others and this planet.
Unfortunately I’m lazy. So this responsibility to do good is my burden to carry. If you think about it, I’m much like Jesus Christ: every good deed is like a nail in the flesh. And also like Our Lord and Savior, there WILL be a second coming.
Cuz I always come TWICE. And when I don’t, it’s cuz of the meds.
Anyways, it sucks to hear about Dwayne Haskins. I enjoyed his season as a starter for Ohio State…I mean, THE Ohio State University. It’s a shame his NFL career didn’t go as planned. Many blamed him personally for his failure in Washington. But then again, he was drafted by WASHINGTON, aka the Biggest Dumpster Fire in Sports. I’m convinced no one can succeed there.
Unfortunately, another young life senselessly taken 😞
For a director I don’t particularly like, I’ve seen most of David Cronenberg’s films. Despite their subject matter and shock value, these movies rarely promote much of a response from me. I either low key REALLY like them, or low key hate them.
So I don’t know why I started watching Shivers on Tubi. Probably because it’s one of Cronenberg’s first films. What sucks is that Tubi crapped out on me an hour into the film so I missed most of the good shit (Tubi, btw, has every movie known to God but the app itself sucks penis).
But Shivers is interesting. Perhaps it made me realize something about Cronenberg’s filmography: everyone looks like shit. Mind you, Shivers was made in the 70s and likely had a small budget. Still though, I think the decision to make everyone look terrible was a deliberate one. Even the “attractive” people made me want to barf. Cronenberg’s forte is body horror, after all.
This made me question my prior appraisal of the director. David Cronenberg approaches the human subject as if the viewer is an alien. When we watch the behavior of animals, we are simultaneously fascinated and disgusted. An extraterrestrial would probably feel the same way if they ever observed people.
Human beings are disgusting creatures. And most of the time, we fail to appreciate that…
…except when we watch David Cronenberg films.
What happened to the days on TV when a man could walk into a grocery store Benny Hill-style, hand in pocket, and he’s just YANKING his crank furiously underneath his sweatpants? Meanwhile he thinks he’s being so cool about it but everyone refuses to make eye contact with him.
Why can’t we make TV like that anymore?
That’s the worst thing about politics becoming serious entertainment: nothing’s funny anymore.
Every joke is the same tired crap: shitting on transgenderism, “cancel culture” ruining everything, conservatives are brainwashed, blah blah blah….
Remember that terrible painting of Jesus guiding the pen of Donald Trump? Chuckle all you want, but that painting best represents the absurdity of our times and it will almost certainly be in a prestigious museum 500 years from now where smart people will dispassionately evaluate its historical significance.
Nothing can be stupid and pointless for the sake of being stupid and pointless anymore.
Thanks anyway jackass forever, but too little too late.
The Internet Ruined Everything 