The Pitch: A Very Short Bio

They say Rome wasn’t built in a day.

They say you can’t count your chickens before they hatch.

They say you can’t shit where you eat.

They say I should seek therapy because everyone’s worried about me.

They say I have a drinking problem and that I shouldn’t mix downers with downers.

They say I have crippling debt and that I am months away from homelessness

Hi I’m James. And maybe they’re right. What do I know? Well let me tell you a little about myself.

I was born outside of a Denny’s in Scottsbluff, Nebraska in either late 1979 or 1981 depending on who you believe. I attended Norhwestern on an athletic scholarship, but was suspended for PED usage, and, in the words of the university, “cockfighting”.

So I hit the road. I hit up every strip club and drug den from Baton Rouge to New Orleans. I learned a lot about myself on that trip. I learned that sometimes growing up means putting your pants on one leg at a time. Sometimes it’s about changing your pants. Sometimes your pants just aren’t long enough and you accidentally expose your wiener.

But the most important thing in life is this: show up to court on time and pay all of your fines.

So I actually know quite a lot. And if you stick around, you might learn something too.

So stay tuned my friends….

You know what’s sad?

I haven’t laughed at anything in weeks.

I mean, I DO laugh. It’s not like people tell me jokes and I just stare at them with my cold, dead eyes like a sociopath. But I’m just being nice. I’m not really laughing.

Ya know?

It’s unfortunate because I’ve always wanted to try stand up comedy. But I don’t know what’s funny anymore. All I’d do is go up on stage picking my nose and scratching my ass saying “you know, I was taking a shit the other day and was thinking: ‘do fish sleep?’”.

I just don’t have a sense of humor anymore.

But then I’d hear about my co-worker getting temporarily paralyzed due to constipation from heroin addiction and I go “lol! That sucks man.”

Is that how bad things have gotten?

I vaguely remember hearing about World War 1 soldiers taking up a morbid sense of humor to help them cope with the death all around them. But this isn’t a war zone. Mangled bodies and tear gas doesn’t surround me.

It’s boredom. Long, perpetual boredom. And the deep existential vacuum, deep in my soul, that has sucked up all joy and laughter that occupies the precious moments between birth and death.

That, and Cum Town.

A Massive Leap in Logic

I love ghosts. Or, I should say, ghost videos on YouTube.

Do I believe in them? Not for a second. But they are fun as hell to watch.

Unfortunately I can’t talk about my love of paranormal and extraterrestrial videos because everyone has stupid options about the subject. Again, do ghosts exist? I’ve seen no compelling evidence for it.

Do intelligent extraterrestrial beings exist? Almost certainly. Have they visited earth? I’m open to the possibility but I gotta see some compelling evidence.

And that’s the extent of my opinion on ghosts and aliens.

But because everyone wants to believe, they’re willing to bend logic and intelligent comprehension of reality to support their belief. No one stops to think how insane this is:

See an object in the sky you don’t recognize? It must be inter dimensional aliens.

Did you blink and see a dark object in the corner of your eye? It’s gotta be ghosts (or, again, inter dimensional aliens).

Of course this massive leap in logic infects a lot of discourse. Our internet-poisoned brains permits this leap in our politics. For example: “the government once lied about some things, therefore they’re always lying about everything”, or “there are corrupt and bad cops, therefore do away with the police.” This leap undermines the complexities and nuances of an event or events and conclude all thinking, leaving the matter insufficiently examined.

This is just laziness.

To have a view, especially of the political nature, you gotta do some heavy lifting. Everyone wants to have an opinion, but no one wants to do the work in having one.

Your Opinion is Worthless

Everything just feels tired.

So, so tired.

I can’t even muster the energy to be angry. Everybody’s angry.

It’s not original anymore. Recall the 2000s, when Maddox, Unforgivable, the “New” Atheists, and the “pickup artist” community were kicking around. I dunno, I thought it was all funny. But then people took it all seriously and/or the wrong way. Then the internet in the 2010s was a godawful place to be. The world became hyper-politicized. Everyone was expressing their opinion, thinking they were cool for being “controversial” (they weren’t).

Then, heaven forbid, came the podcast revolution. And with it the Patreon memberships.

When people get paid to express opinions, there’s the illusion that somehow their opinion is more valid, more informed, than yours or anyone else’s. That’s probably especially true when it’s YOU doing the paying for the opinion.

So now everyone on the internet, on Twitter, on YouTube, on Twitch, on Tik Tok, on whatever believes that they are one step away from a lucrative media career.

What am I talking about?

Basically if you have a Patreon, I have no reason to trust you.

RIP Big XII

Fuck podcasts.

One of the worst things about the internet are podcasts. They just remind me that most people in the world are boring.

Hell, I’M boring.

But instead of bothering you with my terrible voice, I’m going to bother you with my mediocre writing. Because I want to restore to the internet the glory that was once blogging.

I mean, blogging is pretty lame too, but at least it’s not podcasting. Shit.

Not only has the internet ruined everything, but so has Disney. They not only ruined Star Wars and movies in general, but now they are ruining the sacred sport of college football.

Texas and Oklahoma are jumping the sinking ship of what is simultaneously the worst conference in the Power 5 and the most exciting, the Big 12, for the far more lucrative SEC. I mean, on its surface, this sounds great!

But it’s terrible. So…so terrible.

In case you haven’t heard, Bob Bowlsby, the Big 12 commissioner, has accused ESPN…a subsidiary of Disney…of pulling the strings behind the Texas and OU move and the subsequent dissolution of his league. Can he prove it? Who knows?

Will it matter?

Almost certainly not.

The Big 12’s days are numbered. The SEC will only increase its dominance over the sport, and Disney will reign in the profits because ESPN owns the SEC network.

And why stop with Texas and OU? Florida State and Clemson make plenty of sense in the SEC as well. You know who else does? Duke and North Carolina.

So a warning to the ACC: you better add West Virginia and Notre Dame (if you can). Because Disney is coming after you next. B10 and PAC-12 don’t seem to give a shit about any of this (it appears they actually care about academics).

Why should anyone give a shit about any of this? Aren’t college sports kinda a joke anyway?

Yes. Yes they are.

I mean, it’s just kinda amazing that Disney has been able to dissolve the distinction between jock and nerd…then subsequently piss both off.