And they came. And they kept coming until they could come no more. It was a glorious afternoon of nonstop coming. And I stood upon the rock of Sedona and I lit my cigarette and I exhaled clouds of smoke as I gazed upon the soaring eagle above. The masses sat below me, awaiting my word. But more importantly, they waited in line to purchase my book Stories No One Should Read. And after all books were purchased and every copy signed, I said unto the crowd that some seed falls on dry land. Other seed falls upon fertile soil. And some seed is just bad because you’re firing blanks.
And the crowd was astonished. Some scratched their heads. Then I said unto them, use contraceptives cuz you don’t know what seed might fall into what soil. Know what I mean?
And as they mulled these words, they shook their heads and wandered off. Then Julian took me aside and said unto me that the people don’t understand what the hell I’m saying. I shrugged and puffed more smoke, for it was apparent I had been strung out for four days minus one. And immediately, a crack rang out from the ridge above. The bullet kicked up red dirt at my feet and all ran for cover. I raised my hands and shouted. Foolish one, I cried out. I am on PCP goddamnit! I’m unstoppable, you hear me! Unstoppable!
Then the laugh echoed down the mountain as Asmodeusu taunted me. I revealed my .357. Show yourself pussy, I ordered unto him. And he rode down the mountainside upon a white horse. His black cloak swayed unto the wind. I placed another cigarette to my lips and my eyes glared bolts of lightning upon him. Then his horse trotted before me. He climbed off his mustang and flashed his grimy teeth.
Beau Montana, he softly spoke with his serpent tongue.
You don’t have the guts to shoot me, I said to him.
Perhaps not, he said. But I ain’t aimin to kill ya. Then he spat upon the red rock and the brown spittle steamed under the noon sun.
I inhaled from the cigarette. Then I blew the spent carcinogens unto his face. Fuck you, I said. You’ll need an army to take me back to the netherworld.
His sudden guffaw could have cracked open heaven and earth. Birds of the sky trembled and all the creeping things of the desert burrowed into their caves. Yet I was steadfast. For I knew his wrath and evil. And it wasn’t shit.
Have it your way Beau Montana, said he. But know this. These mountains have eyes.
Yeah? Well I have eyes for your mom. Tell her I said hi.
And with his tail between his legs, Asmodeus climbed back upon the white horse and slowly trodded away into the canyon. And as I watched him, I couldn’t stop yellin shit. I hope you don’t have to piss, I called out. These mountains might see that tiny pecker of yours!
TO BE CONTINUED…