What happens next, Guy Hamilton calls a “snake pit” situation (or some shit like that): Bond finds himself in inescapable position and has to use his wits to get out of it. The most notable example of this is the “laser” situation in Goldfinger, also directed by Hamilton. I suppose that the “alligator jumping” sequence in Live And Let Die also counts. In Diamonds Are Forever, the snake pit situation is being burned alive in a coffin.
Arguably this is the most pants-shitting position anyone could find themselves in: after Bond deposits the diamonds in the mausoleum, he is knocked out cold and placed into a coffin to be incinerated. All things considered, Bond responds to this predicament fairly cooly. He doesn’t panic; his only move is an attempt to open the coffin. But right when you think it’s the end, Bond is rescued by Mr. Slumber and a pissed off comedian. “You dirty double-crossing limey fink!” the aged comedian yells, “your goddamn diamonds are phonies!”
Bond responds in the only sensible manner: “let me guess. You’re St. Peter?”
It’s a good exchange. To paraphrase Guy Hamilton, it’s a lovely bit of nonsense. But Bond gets out of this predicament by a switcheroo that wasn’t established to the audience: the diamonds that were shoved up Peter Franks’ ass were fake. We’re not told that until AFTER Bond escapes a fiery death. The more you think about it, it’s only by luck that Bond gets out of this alive, therefore making this the weakest of the “snake pit” situations directed by Guy Hamilton.
In the other two examples, Bond had to outthink his situation. In Goldfinger, he had to bluff. In Live And Let Die, 007 had to do one of the coolest stunts ever. In Diamonds Are Forever, it is by luck that Morton Slumber and the comedian discover that the diamonds are fake in time to stop the burning. Though he escaped by the skin of his teeth, Bond thinks on his feet: with thousands of dollars in his pocket, he knows they wouldn’t burn him up if the money was real. “Bring me the real money, I’ll bring you the real diamonds,” he tells them. Then he hops out of the coffin and strolls on over to Las Vegas.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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