Tag: James Bond

Whatever

Not quite sure why people are fearing AI so much. It’s art is mostly shit. I mean, take a look at this trash:

Captain Picard ballin out
Dr. Phil playing tennis
James Bond rolling some balls

If you think this crap is gonna put artists out of work then perhaps they deserve it 🤷‍♂️

Not another shit post!

Fuck you!

I don’t have the time to write you an essay every day! Who do I look like?

Susan Sontag?!

As a spry 102 year old, I have mouths to feed: five kids in the states and another family I started in Vietnam while in the Marines (during the 90s, of course). So my time is VERY valuable.

That being said, one thing I find very satisfying is a good performance on screen. Even if it’s a minor role. So while I was sitting on my ass, at work, and watching the second best James Bond film (with Timothy Dalton) -License to Kill– I was reminded of an actress that understood the assignment and nailed it: Teresa Blake.

Don’t remember her? She played the role as “ticket agent” at the airport when Bond was moving on to his next assignment. The place was covered with police officers and she informs 007 that “some big drug dealer just escaped.” Understanding what that meant, Bond rushes away, leaving her hanging. “Your ticket!” she exclaimed.

This was the best performance of the movie. Yes, even better than Robert Davi’s.

Teresa Blake went above and beyond what the role called for. I’m sure director John Glen and producer Michael G. Wilson simply told her “just look hot and say the lines.” But Blake (probably) told them to stick that piece of direction up their ass because she was gonna add some subtly to the role.

Usually in these small exchanges, the attractive woman is supposed to ogle James Bond. But that’s not what Blake does. Instead she plays it like she’s just doing her job. She couldn’t care less that a “big drug dealer just escaped” and that there’s a tall, handsome British agent standing in front of her. Yet even then, her delivery of the “escaped” line fits in perfectly with the James Bond Universe. Blake is aware of why she was cast and leans into it. She plays it like a Bond girl without the needless sexual innuendos.

But her finest moment was the delivery of “Your ticket!” Clearly John Glen saw what I saw. He could have easily put that line on the cutting room floor but left it in because Blake absolutely sold it.

So shout out to Teresa Blake. It’s a shame that she doesn’t have more credits but at least we have her 20 seconds in License to Kill.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson

Let Kick-Ass be the next James Bond. I don’t give a shit.

It probably won’t be him though. Barbara Broccoli and Michael “G” Wilson are likely to pull another Daniel Craig and go for an actor you might’ve seen before but didn’t suspect. As they should, by the way. The Craig maneuver was controversial at that particular moment, but it paid off.

In all likelihood, it will be a non-white actor. Anti-SJWs have bitched about this, but it’s really not that big of a deal. Yes, in the books, the character was white. But let’s be honest: except for From Russia With Love and Casino Royale, the books are kinda shit. James Bond has been a way more influential cinematic character than a literary one. Really the only prerequisite for an actor to take over the role is that they be from the British isles or a former protectorate (except the US or Canada). And it should always remain that way. I will riot the day they announce a Canadian James Bond. So in all honesty, the only actor I’d LOVE to see as 007 is Idris Elba, who has unfortunately aged out of the role. He’s about as Connery-like as one could be.

I will say this for the 32-year-old Taylor-Johnson however: he’s married to 55-year-old director Sam Taylor-Johnson.

He’s a man of my own taste.

The 90s Reevaluated

Sorry, still sick so here’s another phoned in post.

Pierce Brosnan has been blowing up my news feed for whatever reason. I guess he’s playing some superhero or whatever, but I don’t watch that stuff. Unfortunately this has created a lot of (likely clickbait) opinion pieces that reevaluate his James Bond tenure.

I’ve always placed Goldeneye in the top 5 Bond films, which is where most 007 fans have historically placed it. But there’s a massive drop off with Brosnan’s other three films. The consensus is that while Brosnan could have been a great James Bond, his movies were either mediocre or terrible.

Or, I should say, this WAS the consensus during the Daniel Craig era.

Now that Craig’s moody and brooding Bond is dead and gone, perceptions on Brosnan’s portrayal have shifted. Craig’s 007 matched the times while Brosnan’s seemed clownish by comparison.

But after two years of a pandemic, record high inflation, and superhero movies flooding the theaters, audiences seem primed for a more tongue in cheek James Bond. So the Daniel Craig era is looking more passé by the second.

People are looking to return to a simpler time. And the most (relatively) simpler times in recent memory is the 1990s. At least this is my best explanation for why Pierce Brosnan is undergoing a micro-renaissance.

As a side note, the Star Trek: Next Generation films (which were also released in 90s) are being reevaluated. This is probably due to the cast returning for the final season of Picard. So Generations, released in 1994 and which infamously killed the original Captain Kirk, is being discussed again.

Why I bring this up is because a fourth “Kelvin era” Trek film, starring Chris Pine as nu-Captain Kirk, has stalled for probably the 10,000th time (thank god). While that (hopefully) means we won’t ever see Zachary Quinto as Spock and Karl Urban as McCoy again, that does NOT mean we won’t see Pine as Kirk again.

Why?

Because as any Trek fan can tell you, while Shatner’s Kirk was killed in Generations, technically his existence is preserved in some “ribbon” that floats around in space where time doesn’t mean anything blah blah blah. And this “ribbon” hasn’t been mentioned in Star Trek since.

So you can see where I’m going with this: when another Trek film makes it to the streaming services sometime this decade, the original Captain Kirk will be pulled out of this ribbon to be played not by William Shatner but by, you guessed it, Chris Pine.

Anyways, enjoy the 2020s, aka the 90s Reloaded.

fckn fans man

My go-to site for nerdish bickering is Trekmovie.com. One of the writers for Star Trek 09 and Star Trek Into Darkness, Roberto Orci, infamously jumped onto fans there a few years ago. For internet anthropologist/historians like me, it’s a goldmine.

Trekkies just aren’t used to having nice things. And Strange New Worlds is a nice thing. Sure it’s not perfect, but overall it’s pretty good Star Trek.

But the latest episode involved a species called “the Gorn” who were first introduced in TOS way back in the sixties. If you’re not a Trek fan, you probably know who they are because a member of that species was involved in one of the most parodied scenes in all of science fiction:

Remember this shit?

In SNW, the Gorn were updated to look more terrifying and were introduced to Starfleet earlier than what canon allowed (SNW takes place before the adventures of Captain Kirk). This predictably caused a shitstorm with the fans.

Look, I can roll with the best of Star Trek nerds. But to most sane people, this is a big nothing-burger.

This is also why the James Bond series is the most underrated of all the long-running franchises. The producers simply don’t give two shits about canon. Each film can theoretically take place in its own timeline. They just don’t get bogged down in the details because their purpose is to entertain.

Arguably, Star Trek serves a different purpose. Still though, fans are missing the forest for the trees. The larger question should be: was it a GOOD episode?

Personally I thought they killed off Hemmer, a very solid character, too soon. But his death did provide a good character arc for Uhura (and laid the foundation for Spock’s most infamous decision in Star Trek II). Obviously they were going for an Alien feel in this episode (which is okay, science fiction series often steal from one another) but overall it was pretty good.

Some fans are angry because the writers aren’t inventing new species to explore. But this “alien of the week” method that Trek fans have become accustomed to makes the series feel paper thin. I like it when writers take the time to explore an existing world. It adds depth.

But this latest Star Trek struggle session only highlights what is perhaps my biggest annoyance. Just because something is old and established, that doesn’t make it holy. The people behind TOS, to include Gene Roddenberry, were making shit up as they went. Besides, no television writer will want to pour through 9 million hours of Star Trek just to make it all add up. Hell, except for myself and Mike Stoklasa, NO ONE would want to do that. And this not only goes for Star Trek, but also for the Bible, Plato, Aristotle, Karl Marx, etc etc. They are all products of man and they can be changed by man.

As fans, we should have only one question: is it good storytelling?

Don’t let the sun go down on me

Slow day at work, so me and coworkers watched No Time To Die.

I was the only one that’s seen it prior. And I gotta say, it’s better on the second viewing. I think knowing how it ends, you can appreciate some of its intricacies.

There’s kinda a somber tone throughout. And the cinematography is incredible. The film constantly looks like it’s evening, like the sun’s going down on James Bond. And not just for 007, but for Blofeld and Felix Leiter, both established (and parodied) characters in the long running franchise.

It’s a shame that the Academy didn’t give Daniel Craig a Best Actor nod. He really gave a fulfilling performance for a character that didn’t have much depth prior to his portrayal.

But damn it, I knew how it ends. But I couldn’t help myself: I cried in front of all my coworkers.

mens fashun

For a man that dresses like Larry the Cable Guy everyday (I’m not a redneck btw. I just like the aesthetic), I sure do appreciate men’s fashion.

Unfortunately, as all of you very well know, I’m cheap….often to my own detriment.

But these are some of my favorite men’s fashion icons and looks:

Daniel Craig

I’m straight, for the most part. But I will always make an exception for Daniel Craig.

The man can roll around in cow shit in his underwear and make it look good. As far as fashion is concerned, he can do no wrong.

He’s best known for playing James Bond. But, in my humble opinion, his finest fashion hour was in Layer Cake. That film is nearly 20 years old, yet he still makes those clothes look fresh.

Of course, it helps to have a body of a god.

Roy Williams

Fuck UNC and Tar Heel basketball! If it weren’t for Bart Ehrman (honestly, a fashion icon in his own right), Chapel Hill would be North Carolina’s landfill.

The only thing that it’s basketball program had going for it was Roy Williams’ fashion sense. You gotta admit that those were some dope ass blazers he wore.

Mike Tomlin

Mike Tomlin caught some flak a few years ago for not giving a flat fuck about being fashionable. But why should he?

He’s my favorite football coach for multiple reasons. He’s never had a losing season, and he can ROCK a pair of aviators, a baseball cap, and a headset.

Definitely the coolest coach in the NFL

The “70s college professor”

Nothing says sophistication like a corduroy jacket and sweater vest.

Add a pipe and suddenly you’re the smartest man in the room.

Turtleneck and Leather Jacket

Let’s be clear: this is the most powerful look a man could wear.

#Facts

never, never, never say never again

Have I already written about Never Say Never Again?

Fuck it, I’ll do it again.

Never Say Never Again is the best “James Bond” film of the 80s

I will die on that hill.

I love that cold open: 007 choking out some dude to the tune of a cheesy love song. Classic. 

Also, there are some killer lines:

Bond: “Free radicals, sir?”

M: “Yes, they’re toxins that destroy the body and brain, caused by eating too much red meat and white bread. Too many dry martinis.”

Bond: “Then I shall cut out the white bread sir.”

OR

Moneypenny: “Have you got an assignment James?”

Bond: “Yes Moneypenny. I’m to eliminate all free radicals.”

Moneypenny: “Do be careful!”

Plus, who doesn’t love watching a 53 year old, toupee’d Sean Connery get ogled by a sea of 20 year old women?

And Barbara Carerra Fatima Blush? 

You could say that she’s an “attractive woman” and made me “sexually aroused”. But I’ve never had an erection before.

You have. But that’s because you’re fucked up.

moon raker

Now hear me out:

If you get REALLY high, then Moonraker can become a decent, but not a GREAT film instead of the cocaine-fueled nightmare that is now.

What I love about the James Bond franchise is that it’s pure spectacle. It doesn’t shy away from that. In fact, it full on embraces it…at least during the 60s, 70s, and 80s.

What people don’t realize about the Sean Connery through Timothy Dalton era is that the plot DOES NOT MATTER. At all. Not in the slightest. They’re all screenplays based on story beats: 1) Cold open 2) Titles 3) Moneypenny/Q/M 4)Intro to villain, etc etc. and it always ends with the villain lair exploding and Bond fucking the Bond Girl. The facade of a story is always in service to hitting those beats.

It’s like listening to a Phil Spector produced album where the sheer scale of the production covers up the limitations of the artist.

Now Moonraker crosses the line from being spectacle to straight up insanity. It’s obvious that the producers were just throwing shit up on the screen in a desperate attempt to compete with Star Wars. But underneath all that bullshit, there is a decent James Bond film.

The scene that is often cited as being the moment Bond jumps the shark is the gondola chase. But did you know that that scene is completely useless? It advances the plot in no way. Who’s chasing Bond? Why are they chasing him? It’s assumed to be the villain’s henchmen, but that’s never made clear. As far as Bond knows, it’s just random dudes. There are no consequences for the chase either. You can cut it out completely, and nothing in the story would have been missed. Not even a story beat. The very next scene is a fight with a henchmen where a shit ton of glass gets broken. There is literally no point in the gondola chase.

Honestly, half the shit that takes place in Venice could be cut. Only two important things happen there: you learn that the villain is using a chemical agent in his diabolical plot and the Bond girl is actually a CIA agent. The death of the first henchmen takes place there, which explains the appearance of Jaws later in the film, but I’d argue that this character could be cut completely and nothing would be missed.

Could Jaws be cut out? Probably not. Unlike most things in this film, Jaws actually advances the plot. But his character could be made less ridiculous by introducing him in the Rio Carnival sequence (who cares why he’s there? It should be obvious). Unfortunately that stupid ass love interest ends up becoming useful for Bond at a key point, so that shit has to stay in. BUT all that crap afterwards can be cut out.

Now the film goes completely off the rails after Bond escapes the ambulance, and not much can be done to fix that. 007 has to go into space 🤷‍♂️. But if roughly 1/4 of the movie gets edited out, you’d have a nice little spy film.

I wish someone would make a fan edit of this.