Sorry folks. I’m in an undisclosed Eastern European black site. My hands are tied, both literally and figuratively, so I haven’t been able to write much. But to keep you entertained, I was going through some of my unpublished drafts and I came across this doozy. Clearly I’m a Nostradamus at predicting NFL seasons. Need proof? Well read and weep my friends. EVERYTHING came true:
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Since I was absolutely 100% correct in my Super Bowl predictions, here are my predictions for the upcoming NFL season:
-Mike McCarthy will get fired less than six games into the season. Kellen Moore is named HC. Dallas Cowboys make the playoffs. Moore is named Coach of the Year.
-Jared Goff will be Comeback Player of the Year.
-Buffalo Bills, Los Angeles Chargers, and Las Vegas Raiders will all fall below expectations.
-Kevin Byard will be named Defensive Player of the Year.
-Tom Brady will have another 5000 yard season. Will NOT win MVP. Despite playing at a high level, he WILL retire at the end of the season and this time he’ll mean it.
-NFC Championship: Los Angeles Rams/Green Bay Packers
-AFC Championship: Kansas City Chiefs AND….The DENVER FUCKING BRONCOS!!!!!
-A player will expose himself on the sideline.
-Aaron Rodgers will have a bizarre press conference and people will begin wondering about his mental state if they weren’t doing so already. Will win another MVP.
-Aaron Donald will kill a man (non-player) on the field.
-A game will be moved back a day due to “safety concerns” 🤔
-Troy Aikman will cry while calling a game.
-Matt Rhule will pull a Steve Sarkisian, coach a game drunk, and WIN.
The Internet Ruined Everything 