So that night I got rip roaring drunk at Chili’s then drove to Cassandra’s apartment in Van Nuys. I careened passed the gates and my Rolls Royce Phantom III landed in the pool. I climbed out of the water and up to her front door. It was 2:30 am on Thursday morning.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Cassandra screamed. “Why are you soaked and wet?”
“He dumped me!” I wailed.
“Who dumped you?! What are you talking about?”
“Pablo dumped me as a client! Pablo and Greta hate me! Why does everyone hate me?!!!”
I sobbed uncontrollably.
“Damn it James! You’re waking up the neighbors! Get inside!” she ordered.
“I love you Cassandra!”
“Shut the fuck up!”
She handed me a dry pair of clothes, a pair of women’s shorts that were five sizes too small, and ordered me to sleep on the couch. Five hours later, I awoke to an obnoxious pounding on the door. I opened it and found a maintenance guy standing there holding a plunger resting on his shoulder.
“Is that your Rolls Royce Phantom III parked in the pool?” he asked.
“Oh yeah, my bad. I’ll have it moved.”
I closed the door and a groggy Cassandra came into the living room. “What the hell James?” she said.
“Woo! What a night huh? Welp, I guess I’ll be on my way! See you later!”
“No! Sit the fuck down and explain yourself!”
I shrugged and sat back down on the couch. My nutsack was dangling out of the extra small pair of shorts. I didn’t have a shirt on. “Why do you keep doing this?” Cassandra asked.
“Doing what?”
“Burning bridges! That’s what!”
“I’m not burning bridges. Everyone else keeps burning bridges. I’m innocent in all of this.”
“Pablo was your best friend and he dumped you as a client! What the hell happened?!”
“Hey! I’m not the bad guy here!”
Cassandra threw her hands up and changed the subject. “When’s the last time you spoke to Slick Rick?” she asked.
“Oh fuck! Slick Rick! I hope he’s okay! Did I abandon him?”
“He’s 40 years old, James! But you’re still his father! Do you even care about him?”
“Care about him? I don’t even know where he’s at!”
“He’s been living in Glendale for ten years!”
“What?! Really? How do you know this?”
“We still talk on occasion. He’s got kids, ya know?”
“You don’t say? So I’m a grandfather? Boy how time flies. I don’t feel a day over 97.”
“You need to go see them.”
“I would but my Rolls Royce Phantom III is under water right now. I need to go get it. Nice chatting with you Cassie. I’ll see you at work!”
“I will stab you in the throat if you come to my door again!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Internet Ruined Everything 