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“Won’t you stay, James,” Stacy asked. “I think you f##### me a new s$$$$.

“I can’t,” I said. “Los Angeles needs me. I’ll call you later.” I grabbed my coat and hat and walked to my car, a yellow Chevy SSR. It must have been 2:30 in the morning.

As I was driving down Mission, I rolled down the window. I had to air out a really bad fart. A PT cruiser rolled up next to me and threw in a stick of dynamite. I could have easily thrown it out, but instead I jumped out and the Chevy careened into an intersection before it exploded.

Several motorists were killed or maimed.

It was Maxwell, I thought. He knows that I’m on his trail. It was time to bring in the big guns.

I returned to City Hall to seek out Officer Mystery. I caught him beating off to gay porn on his work computer.

“It’s not what it looks like,” he said as he stood up to button his pants. “I’m not gay. My penis is gay, but I’M not gay.”

“Look,” I told him, “Maxwell just tried to kill me. I’m going after him and I need your help.”

“Why me?”

“Why did you tell me about Maxwell at all? I don’t know what your roll is in all of this, but something tells me that you’re tired of this corruption. We need to take a stand.”

“Yeah…about that…”

“What? You’re a bent cop too?”

“I’m not a cop at all, actually.”

“Then who the hell are you?”

“I actually work on behalf of Admiral Majors. I’ve been the one watching you this whole time, that’s how the Admiral knows you’re an elite killer.”

“So he’s still trying to recruit me? I told him to fuck off.”

“When the man sees something he wants, he gets it. If you know what I mean…”

“Well I see that you’re not going to be of much help,” I said, “sorry to interrupt your porno time.” I turned around and stated walking away.

“Please wait,” Mystery said. “I will help you. But in exchange, I need you to talk to the judge about dropping the PI charge you gave me. He’s gonna make me register as a sex offender.”

“Deal,” I replied. We shook hands.

“Now you better go wash your hands,” Mystery said.