i’ll never drink with ed again

So Ed and me were getting tore up at an Applebee’s when the waitress asked “can I get you anything else?”

“Just keep the mai tais coming you dumb bitch!” Ed said.

“Keep it down, Ed,” I said.

“You can’t stop me! I’m an animal. An ANIMAL!” he replied.

So finally karaoke started and I sang “Don’t You Want Me”. Ed was at the bar, striking out with every elderly woman he talked to.

“Fuck this place,” Ed said. “A mojito for the road!”

Then some jackass walked in with his trophy wife. “Hey baby, nice pooter!” Ed yelled.

“Sir don’t talk to my wife like that. We’re Mormons.”

Ed later shagged his wife on the toilet. When he came out, he grabbed me by the arm and said “let’s go. I clogged the shitter.”

The manager came out and told us that if we didn’t leave now, he was calling the police.

“You can’t tell me to leave! This is a public place!”. Ed then sat down at the bar.

“All lives matter! And vaccines aren’t real!”

When the cops arrived, Ed told them “I’ve read the Declaration of Independence. I don’t have to carry a permit for this Remington .45!”

The cops drew their weapons and ordered him to drop it. “This is bullshit!” he said. He took one last sip of his Vegas Bomb and said “I guess this is as good of place as any” then almost opened fire.

An officer shot him in the ass and Ed groaned with pain and pleasure. “Can I get one more mimosa?” he asked before falling to the ground.

Ed was charged a misdemeanor for being a public nuisance.

I couldn’t believe it. I’d expect something like that to happen at an Olive Garden, but not at Applebee’s.