I’m gonna apologize ahead of time for this one.
“Weaver’s my name. Dick Weaver,” the tall burly Scotsman told me. “I was a whaler fer 13 year. Been a private eye fer 15.”
The man was covered in hair from head to toe. He wore only plaid. And denim.
His jeans were tight.
I put out an add for a roommate to help with rent. Dick was the only one who responded.
Dick sat down, pulled a cracker out of his toboggan, then started munching.
“Listen here young lad, let’s set some ground rules. Me bein a private dick, I do ne wanchya snoopin around me business. If I catch ya, I’ll kill ya. If I see ya sippin on me Irn-bru, I’ll kill ya. If I catch ya eatin me powsowdie, I’ll eat yur cock for breakfast,” he told me.
“Fair enough,” I said.
After I showed him his bedroom, he grunted for a bit and then slammed the door. I went to bed.
The next morning, Dick was hanging up clandestinely taken pictures of naked women on the wall.
“You said you were a private eye, right?” I asked.
“Is this a special case you’re working on?” I inquired.
“What business is that of yurs? Eh boy? Ask again an I’ll crack open ye noggin!” Dick angerly retorted.
“I was just asking. Jesus!”
That night, I was lying in bed when I heard some stomping around then considerable hootin’ n hollerin’ outside. It was none of my business. Hours later, Dick came stumbling into my room drunk as all get-out.
“Aye boy, I got to bein pissed at the pub an met a nice ol hen behin tha bar. Aye brought er here but she got to slippin digits n me hole. Aye it was a’right first but then I shat me britches,” he said.
“So you were smashing ass and then you shit the bed?”
“Aye. I cannae sleep because the sheets are covered in shite.”
“Well climb on in.”
Dick got under the covers. We shared a shot of whisky and a few tales of his time at sea before falling fast asleep.
The next morning, I awoke to find Dick wide awake and his hair-swirled chest in full view. I was fully clothed.“Top of the mornin’ to ya,” he said.
He climbed out of bed and his buttcheeks were beaten blood red.
“Aye boy,” Dick said. “I s’pose I should be congratulatin ya. You rammed me a new one!”