Tag: Waffle House

Tf is this shjt?

So I walk into Waffle House. I sit at the bar. The server asks what I want. I say coffee. He brings me a coffee. Then he asks what I want to eat. I said I hadn’t decided. He says take your time. So I take my time. Then he comes back. I tell him I want an All-Star breakfast for $12.99. Eggs runny. Bacon burnt. He says yessir. So I drink my coffee. It’s black. Tastes good. I watch the staff. They’re happy. They’re friendly. 4 minutes and 28 seconds later. Food is in front of me. Bacon. Crispy as fuck. Eggs. Runny as snot. Waffle. Cooked to perfection.

I look upon the spread in front of me. It was everything that I had hoped for. The server stood over with a smile as wide as Kansas. So I look him in the eye and hold my fork in an almost threatening way. “What the fuck is this shit?” I ask him.

“Sir?”

“I said ‘what, the fuck, is, this shit?’”

“It’s what you ordered.”

I looked at his name tag. I turned around to glance at the sign outside. Then my eyes flow from one end of the diner to the other. “Forgive me, I thought this was a Waffle House,” I said.

“But it is,” the server pleaded.

I furiously shook my head. “No,” I told him. “At Waffle House, I come here for half assed and unsatisfactory service and food that’s greasy enough to cure next week’s hangover. That’s REAL America. If I wanted to be respected as a human being, I’d have gone to Denny’s.”

THE END

Dick pills

I’m an old son of a bitch. Some days I’ll shit my pants at Waffle House. Other days I’ll drive for miles with my turn signal on. Then again, I’ll confuse viagra for blood pressure medication and intensely watch Matlock. At night, I’ll wake up in a pool of piss after dreaming about the Wehrmacht soldier I drowned in shallow mud near the bloody Somme. And when a man thanks me for my service, I’ll pull him closer and whisper I should be in The Hague for the things I’ve done. But dementia has a way of assuaging my guilt. To silence the screams of all the men I senselessly killed in battle, I drink Tito’s Vodka which goes down smooth with a nice can of Coca-Cola. Tito’s™️ For When You Want to Forget War Crimes.

But when the police are dispatched because your grown children have reported you missing and you’re found wondering Home Depot without pants on, be sure to ask your doctor about Razadyne for a mild onset of Alzheimer’s. Side effects may include death and mass murder, to say nothing of the raging nightmare that is waking life.

That’s why I’ve switched to Cialis. It’s hard enough to battle decrepit old age and unrepentant alcoholism. Why struggle with maintaining a long-lasting erection? Though I haven’t had sex in 40 years, sometimes you need that “edge” to drive 90mph southbound in the northbound lane. So go to Bluechew.com, consult a “doctor”, and have a 90 day supply of dick pills sent discreetly to your home.

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