Do the right thing

I’m a simple man. I ain’t in this racket for fame and fortune. It’s all for the love of the game. So I don’t require much. Except $10,000 owed in back taxes to the IRS and various creditors in and around the Cayman Islands.

Now I know I’ve said that I don’t give a shit if anyone reads my work. It ain’t all about YOU, buddy. I ain’t gonna crawl on my hands and knees and beg for money. But if you ever caught yourself thinking ‘I like this guy’s work’, then you owe me. You owe me BIG TIME in fact.

Don’t worry, I’m not a violent person. No one’s gonna come to your doorstep and bust your kneecaps. But here’s what WILL happen. Someone will come to MY door and bust MY kneecaps. Now I ain’t gonna sit here and convince you of the importance of walking. So you wanna save my kneecaps? Please go to Amazon.com and purchase Vanitas or, heaven forbid, the Detective James Series: Vol 1.

“But why would I pay for this shit when I can read it here for FREE?” you might ask.

Well if you shut up for a second, I’ll tell ya.

What you read here is all first draft stuff. That might come as a surprise. Reading this website alone, you might think I’m the second coming of Hemingway. But what you purchase from Amazon is actually a BETTER and more COMPLETE vision of my storytelling. But I can forgive you for thinking that this is apex of English literature. However, like so many other things in your life, you’d be wrong. Internetruinedeverything.com is just the tip of the iceberg.

So do something right for once in your life. Go to this Amazon 🔗 , buy one of my books, and sleep well knowing that you not only contributed to great literature, but you’re also saving my kneecaps.

God bless

Where were you in ‘72? 🤔

Have you ever considered falling face first down a stairwell?

Have you ever shit your pants in a crowded cinema?

Have you ever felt more alive after “forgetting” to take antipsychotic meds for three weeks straight?

Well I have good news! 17 out of 114 psychologists recommend reading Vanitas by Beau Montana! Currently ranked in the top 4,281,429 books on Amazon.com, Vanitas is a timeless story about love, destiny, and unhinged arson in the American West. The Akron Beacon called it “a book clearly written under emotional duress” while the Albuquerque Sentinel said it was “the equivalent of getting stung in the scrotum by a scorpion.”

But don’t take my word for! Read our testimonials:

I used to cry myself to sleep because I could still hear the screams of burning children after a napalm run in the La Drang Valley. Then I read ‘Vanitas’ and now I accept the raging inferno of hell that awaits me in the afterlife.

-Anonymous

All governments and institutions have lied to you. All of us will soon be a slave to the technocratic state; individuality stripped from us entirely. In the very near future, we will be nothing more than an insignificant cog in a vast machine designed to benefit the few. You are worthless. Even death will be no escape. They will prolong your misery indefinitely; as long as there’s blood left to be wrung out. That’s what reading ‘Vanitas’ is like. Highly recommend.

-Ted Kaczynski

So what more do you want from me? A rimjob?! Go to Amazon.com and get your copy of Vanitas today!

What are you doing with your life?

Are you a sad sack of shit?

Do you take dick pills because your dick don’t work?

Do you ever consider waving a gun at the police because “life just ain’t worth living no more”?

Well I have good news for you! Vanitas is now available on Amazon!

“But I don’t want to clutter my home with useless shit!” you bitch and moan. Well guess what! You can also purchase it on Kindle!

“Do you have it in audiobook form?”

Fuck no! What’s your deal? Do you not know how to read?! Get to Amazon.com and give Jeff Bezos $9.99 for a shitty copy of Vanitas today!

(And I mean TODAY you cheap son of a bitch!)