put me out of my misery

Alright, this week was much better on Tubi. I think I finished every movie I started.

There were a few good ones. Or at least a few notable ones.

Frankenhooker (1990)

It’s a shame that few actors make it in the industry. Whoever played the lead had a performance for the ages.

I hesitate to call it a “comedic” performance, although he was quite funny. But the actor perfectly encapsulated the madness and obsession that that role called for.

I can easily see the pitch for this movie:

Producer: “are there going to be boobs in the movie?”

Director: “yes but they’re all going to explode.”

Producer: “but there will be boobs?”

Now this film has quite a following. Hell, it even has a Bill Murray seal of approval, so it might not be as obscure as I’d like it to be. But it’s cult status is well earned and you should check it out.

Maniac (1980)

It’s a fairly simple concept: a maniac runs around Manhattan killing a bunch of people. But it’s pretty well executed.

And speaking of execution, it has one of the best head explosion scenes in film history (again, courtesy of the legend himself: Tom Savini…who I also think played character getting his head blown off)

The Forbidden Zone (1980)

It’s not a horror film. I don’t know what it is.

A musical?

I can handle weird. That’s not a problem. But you gotta suck audiences in. Once when they’re in, they have no choice but to sit there and watch it because they’re that engrossed. That’s not this movie.

It stars Herve Villechaize because he never turned down a paycheck, and features music from a group that eventually became Oingo Boingo.

It’s not my cup of tea, but I’m sure the theater nerds love it.

another round of terrible movies

It was slim pickins this week.

I probably started watching a little over a half dozen of B-movies in my quest to see every horror film on Tubi. And I probably only finished two of them.

These are those two.

The Majorettes (1986)

I love a movie that can’t decide what it wants to be. So instead of choosing, it decides to be every option.

The Majorettes calls itself a “slasher” film. Sure, okay. At times, I think, it flirts with being a supernatural comedy. Then it inexplicably becomes a remake of Rambo.

Your guess is as good as mine.

My favorite part is one villain hangs another villain using a rope that runs through a cheapass hook that’s barely screwed into the ceiling.

While the film was godawful, I am intrigued enough to check out the book that this was based on (which was adapted for the screen by its author). If it’s as random as the movie, it seems like my kind of book.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)

I might have to watch this one again.

It has everything that I love: private detectives, Linnea Quigley, and a short running time (boobs too, if you’re into that sort of thing).

The film is absolute trash. And deliberately so. That’s Hollywood, folks.

Honestly, the image above says everything you need to know. It ain’t Citizen Kane, but it will easily kill an hour and 15 minutes.

more bad movies

Someone should really pay me to go through the trash can that is Tubi’s film archive, but alas, I’m in it for the love of the game.

Now it’s hard to maintain quality throughout a film. Most movies start off great, then peter out. Others you have stick with until the very end.

This is especially true for B movies. In fact, I’m starting to think that it’s harder to make a good B movie than it is to make a decent GREAT film.

Here’s a couple of examples:

Out of the Dark (1988)

Some heavy hitters were involved in this. Karen Black acts her ass off, and there’s even an appearance from the legendary Divine.

Now you’d think that it would be impossible to screw up a movie about a psycho clown and phone sex workers. In fact, it has a strong opening: some dude playing with his nipples…with a knife…while having phone sex.

Production quality is not that bad here. Despite a few good laughs, not much gets done with this banger of a concept.

The Prowler (1981)

This had the exact opposite problem as Out of the Dark. The concept is kinda meh, but boy does it end on a high note (courtesy of makeup artist Tom Savini)!

What I love about these kinds of movies is determining what was intentional from the filmmakers. There was one scene that was more intentionally funny than it had any business being. And the ending, despite being bizarre, was quite effective.

I don’t know. Maybe I need to stop assuming that these filmmakers are completely inept.

Blades (1989)

People ask me all the time: “why do you watch this shit?”

Because I’m looking for a diamond in the rough. This time the diamond is Blades, a parody of Jaws.

It’s about a lawnmower that hunts and kills people on a golf course. Only the golf pros and a former groundskeeper stand in its way.

I’m sure people thought that this film was completely fucking stupid in 1989. But some things get better with age.

Now I’m not saying that this one is up there with such classics as Blood Diner or Toxic Avenger. But if you’re high enough, it COULD be.

It’s funnier than Caddyshack. That’s a hill I will die on.

body horror

For a director I don’t particularly like, I’ve seen most of David Cronenberg’s films. Despite their subject matter and shock value, these movies rarely promote much of a response from me. I either low key REALLY like them, or low key hate them.

So I don’t know why I started watching Shivers on Tubi. Probably because it’s one of Cronenberg’s first films. What sucks is that Tubi crapped out on me an hour into the film so I missed most of the good shit (Tubi, btw, has every movie known to God but the app itself sucks penis).

But Shivers is interesting. Perhaps it made me realize something about Cronenberg’s filmography: everyone looks like shit. Mind you, Shivers was made in the 70s and likely had a small budget. Still though, I think the decision to make everyone look terrible was a deliberate one. Even the “attractive” people made me want to barf. Cronenberg’s forte is body horror, after all.

This made me question my prior appraisal of the director. David Cronenberg approaches the human subject as if the viewer is an alien. When we watch the behavior of animals, we are simultaneously fascinated and disgusted. An extraterrestrial would probably feel the same way if they ever observed people.

Human beings are disgusting creatures. And most of the time, we fail to appreciate that…

…except when we watch David Cronenberg films.