And yet another shot at the title (part xix)

“Did you have a good shit?” I asked Dan as I met him back in the courthouse halls.

“You know, as I was squeezing out a turd, I was thinking…” he began to say.

“No, I’ve been thinking,” I interrupted, “call court back in session.”

“It’ll be back in session in one minute.”

“Good. Have Shapiro call me back on the stand.”

“I can’t call the defense’s witnesses for them!”

I chuckled. “Dan, Dan, Dan,” I nodded, “you’re overthinking this. Why don’t you shut your brain off for a moment and let me direct this show.”

“James, this is a court proceeding. Not a movie. I can’t just…”

“Just get me back on the stand for fuck’s sake,” I laughed.

I waltzed back into the courtroom with Dan tentatively following. I buttoned up my jacket, smiled to Shapiro, and took my seat. The Judge banged her gavel. “Court is back in session,” she declared. Dan took center stage.

“I call James Pietermeister to the stand,” he stated.

I stood up, hands in pocket, and whistled a tune as I approached the stand. “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?” the bailiff asked.

“What the fuck is this? Groundhog Day?” I joked.

No one laughed.

I sat down in the witness seat. Dan didn’t approach the stand and everyone was puzzled. “Are you going to question your client?” the Judge asked him.

“Actually, Your Honor,” I said, “I don’t think the defense was finished with their questioning.”

The Judge looked to Shapiro. “Very well, Your Honor,” he groaned. And the small, piddly attorney approached the bench. “What more is there to say?” Shapiro asked me. “You have no case!”

I put my finger up to my chin. “What more is there to say indeed,” I wondered aloud. “Mr. Shapiro, did you approach Ms. Casandra McHale with several millions of dollars to rewrite Chatty Cathy?”

He started to readjust his tie. “I believe protocol states that only legal counsel can…”

“Did you have a few drinks with Ms. McHale that night?” I hammered on.

A thin veil of sweat began to appear on his forehead. “Uhhh, Your Honor, I believe the witness is in contempt…”

“Answer the question Ben-Jamin!” the Judge ordered.

“Well, as Mr. Greco’s attorney, it is sometimes my responsibility to…” he began to stutter.

“Mr. Shapiro, while you were inebriated with Ms. McHale,” I continued, “did your penis somehow come out of your pants?”

“Uhm,” he cleared his throat, “I was merely explaining to Ms. McHale the tattoo I got while on tour in Vietnam. I got my testicle blown off you see. I was on tour promoting my book when I met this prostitute…”

“How big would you say your penis is?” I ask. The Judge was intently focused.

“Well, on a good day, I would say 5.4 inches fully erect but…”

“Your Honor,” I declared, “according to Ms. McHale, Mr. Shapiro’s penis is no more than four inches fully hard. I declare the defense unreliable and I therefore no longer own Mr. Greco $56 billion.”

The judge again banged her gavel. “Agreed! Mr. Pietermeister is no longer liable for a breach of contract as the contract was not made in good faith.”

Shapiro and Jimmy were stunned into silence. “Your Honor, please!” the lawyer begged. But she threw on her robes and departed the court without saying a word.

I laughed heartily. “Sorry, Ben-Jamin,” I said to him as I patted him on the shoulder, “maybe you’re just not cut out for this line of work.”

I could see him fuming. “You made a joke of me for the last time,” he told me. Then he pulled out his Glock, the same Glock he showed the court earlier, and began waving it around. “The Los Angeles Superior Court is a farce!” he screamed.

“Ben-Jamin, calm down buddy. The whole world already knows you have a little ass penis. No need to wave your gun around lol,” I said.

Then he pointed it at me. “Fuck you Pietermeister!”

I closed my eyes in preparation for death. Gun shots rang out but I felt nothing penetrate my body. I opened my eyes and saw Shapiro lying dead on the ground with three gunshots to his chest.

I saw Dan pointing his Colt single action six-shooter and smiling. “Now that’s what I call justice…,” he said. Then twirled his gun and put it back in its holster. “…Texas style.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Pittsburg State to NCAA Division I

This is an unusual post. But then again, this is also my 500th post.

If you recall, when I started this blog last summer, the first thing I wrote about was the beginning of the end for the Big 12 conference. It was announced that Texas and Oklahoma were jumping to the lucrative SEC, and I incorrectly believed that the Big 12 was on the edge of dissolving. While clearly the conference didn’t dissolve, the departure of Texas and OU kicked off perhaps what will be the largest conference realignment in NCAA history. Not only will schools face different rivals in the near future, a few Division II teams will be moving up to fill in vacancies left by departing DI schools for greener pastures.

So to mark this milestone, I will be making the argument for a move that will perhaps be one of the final steps in this massive realignment: Pittsburg State University to NCAA Division I.

I mean, why the hell not, right? Plus the Pitt State Gorilla was one of Mike Leach’s (RIP) favorite mascots and the only gorilla…as far as I know…in NCAA sports.

Now if I ever do research for this blog, it’s only the bare minimum. So keep that in mind.

A little bit about the school: Pitt State is located in Pittsburg, Kansas in the southeastern end of the state. It’s football program currently has the most wins than any other school in DII. Currently, they play in the Mid-America Intercollegiate Athletics Association (MIAA) and their biggest rival are the Northwest Missouri State Bearcats.

At first glance, this university appears to be in the middle of nowhere, but it actually sits just outside of the Joplin MO-Miami, OK metro area with a population just under 200,000 people. And to the south sits the Northwest Arkansas region with a population over 500,000. If I had to guess, a large portion of the alumni base live in these two areas. Additionally, the state of Kansas has only two DI football schools: the Kansas Jayhawks and the Kansas State Wildcats (Also, to the north and to the west lie Kansas City and Wichita respectively, neither of which sport a DI football program). Neighboring Missouri also sponsors only three DI football programs (this sounds incorrect, so correct me if I’m wrong).

As far as athletic facilities go, at least as far as football is concerned, I’d say that they could compete with many at the FCS level, particularly after the addition of the Plaster Center in 2015. So, again, in FOOTBALL, Pitt State CAN compete.

The problem is that to qualify for NCAA Division I, schools have to sponsor at least seven men and women’s sports each OR six men’s sports and eight women’s. Currently, Pitt State only sponsors six each. Furthermore, while I don’t suppose revenue is a barrier to entry, it’s probably helpful to have an athletic department bring in a good amount of cash. From what shoddy research I did, Pitt State performs quite well for DII, even outperforming some DI FCS schools like Morehead State University in Kentucky, but it falls way short from many other DI programs in equaling their revenue. Again, this isn’t a barrier to entering DI, but it is PROBABLY a barrier to entering a DI conference because a school has to bring something to the table.

Most of this is an easy fix. Schools add sports all of the time. And revenue would probably increase by moving up to DI. But leaving DII and the MIAA would probably annoy many within the fan base.

But money talks. And given Pitt State’s declining enrollment, a jump to a bigger stage might be the solution it’s looking for. Which is why I see Pitt State possibly moving to DI in the near future.

Ranking the 50 States (Top 10)

10. South Dakota

“South Dakota, really?” Yes, REALLY. What seems like one big wheat field at first glance is actually one of the coolest states there is: Sturgis, Deadwood, the Black Hills, Mount Rushmore, Badlands National Park, and the greatest movie of all time, Dances With Wolves, was filmed there. It might be the most overlooked state there is.

9. Utah

If it weren’t for the Mormons running everything here, this place might rank higher. But geographically, this state ranks up there with the best of em.

8. Oregon

Honestly, Oregon isn’t my cup of tea but I can respect it for what it is. It’s far and away better than Washington, and Portland can beat Seattle’s buttcheeks blood red in being a real ass city.

6/7. New Hampshire/Vermont

Let’s just be clear, there’s no difference between Vermont and New Hampshire. Maybe there’s a huge rivalry between the residents of these two states, but no one outside of that gives a fuck. That being said, if I could live anywhere, I’d like to live here. It’s peaceful, quiet, beautiful, and people don’t seem to be ignorant. That’s a rare combination.

5. Arizona

Sedona, Lake Havasu, Grand Canyon, Tombstone, etc, etc. Phoenix and Tucson are moving on up towards being real ass cities. At number 5, Arizona can’t get much higher (unless it legalizes pot)

4. Texas

Texas isn’t just a state on a map. It’s also a state of mind. It’s a place for people who like to drive like a goddamn maniac, curse Jerry Jones, and open carry for no other reason but to feel one step closer to death. You either get it or you don’t. And unfortunately, I get it.

3. California

Suck it losers. You can laugh at California’s problems all you want. Gas can be $50 a gallon with wildfires raging every 20 feet and this state would STILL rank number 3. Because here’s the thing that Americans that live in the other 49 states don’t understand: Californians don’t think about you. They know they live in one of the the coolest states…and one of the greatest places anywhere in the world…and you don’t. Boo hoo.

2. Colorado

I got REALLY high at a McDonalds in Denver and forgot where I was at. I tried the same thing at a Starbucks in San Diego and it just wasn’t the same. In short, Colorado is the best state to get high in.

1. Hawaii

No matter where you’re at in the United States, or in the world for that matter, we can all agree: we’d rather be in Hawaii right now.

god bless texas

There are four things that I love: 1) corporate intrigue 2) religious charlatans 3) the State of Texas 4) NFL football. Which is why I’ve been blessed with the Jack Easterby story regarding the Houston Texans.

For those who don’t know, Easterby is essentially a chaplain that plotted and schemed his way to the top of an NFL franchise. It’s an odd story, but things like this happen. Anyone recall Rasputin and the fall of the Russian Empire? And yes, I’d say that Easterby’s involvement with the Texans is every bit as significant and tragic as the fall of the Romanovs.

I’m just always surprised at how rich people, like Texans CEO Cal McNair, are so gullible. If the average person came across someone like Easterby on the street, we’d think “this dude’s full of shit.” But I guess game recognizes game.

Listen to this shit:

A bit of advice Evangelicals: if you want people to take your religion seriously, maybe drop the used car salesman schtick.

The theory is that Easterby and McNair are trying to turn the Texans into a “Christian football camp”. So this will give us the opportunity to test Aaron Rodgers’ theory that “God doesn’t care about football games.” And if we come to find out that God DOES care about football while millions of children continue to starve to death, then you should ask yourself why you worship this god.

So I’m pretty excited to watch this experiment go up in flames. In the meantime, enjoy some of Easterby’s standup: