Super Bowl LVII predictions

Since I was totally ACCURATE in my Super Bowl LVI predictions (Matthew Stafford would go 97/439, 20 TDs to 400 INTs in a LOSS to Cincinnati. The only reason none of this came true is because the NFL is fucking RIGGED) I figured that I’d bless you all with another round of predictions.

So go ahead and write those checks because all of you are about to be MILLIONAIRES.

-Andy Reid will be calling plays from the stands while Matthew Black, his famous impersonator, will be on the sidelines.

-Travis Kelce will shit his pants before halftime. Wins Super Bowl MVP.

-Jalen Hurts will outperform Patrick Mahomes, completing 3 passes on 47 attempts for 394 yards and 1 TD (which will be called back due to an excessive celebration penalty)

-Drake will expose his penis. So will Chris Stapleton during the National Anthem.

-Nick Sirianni will make a questionable decision in the third quarter, calling for a field goal 79 yards out on a 2nd and 1. Jake Elliot will set the record for the longest kick (which will also be called back due to a taunting penalty)

-The KC offense will only have possession for two minutes during the entire game.

-On the final drive while in a trips formation, Hurts will drop a dime on AJ Brown who forgets which side of the ball he plays on. Brown runs in the opposite direction and is tackled in the end zone. Result of the play is a safety.

-Final score: 2-0, Kansas City

So like I said, I stand by my predictions. If you lose your house and marriage because none of these happened, feel free to reach out to DraftKings, BetMGM, or FanDuel.

Bruce arians HoFer

It’s day three being tobacco free. Everyone and every THING pisses me off.

Bruce Arians retired. Which was enough to annoy me. Then I read this bullshit:

Well TOO late buddy! You guys should have thought of that before putting Jimmy “fucking” Johnson in the Hall of Fame.

When it was announced a few years ago that Johnson was going to be inducted, many were shocked that he wasn’t already in. I was the only one shocked they were letting him in at all.

“😭😭But he’s got two Super Bowl rings and restored the Dallas Cowboys as America’s team 😭😭,” you might cry.

Well guess what? Have you ever considered that Jerry Jones was RIGHT when he said any coach could have led the Cowboys to the Super Bowl…especially after Barry Switzer won one two seasons later with the same team?

That’s right: I’m Team Jerry Jones in this fight!

And besides, according to Mike Asti, we shouldn’t count Johnson’s two Super Bowl wins because the Cowboys had a stacked roster that included THE MOST SUCCESSFUL RUNNING BACK OF ALL TIME.

Sorry, if you have a talented roster and you’re a head coach, you don’t get credit for the wins. I don’t make the rules 🤷‍♂️

My point is that Jimmy Johnson (and, honestly, Dick Vermeil) is the benchmarks that all modern coaches must hurdle if they want to make the Hall of Fame.

And Bruce Arians hurdles it pretty well. Arians’ career was technically shorter than Johnson’s: 8 full seasons as a head coach, and one season as an interim for 12 games (a season in which, it should be noted, he won NFL Coach of the Year). In those 8 full seasons, Arians became the winningest coach for one team (Arizona Cardinals) and led the other one (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) to a Super Bowl win. His win/loss record, including the playoffs in that 8 year stretch is 86-51-1. If you include the one year as interim HC for the Indianapolis Colts (where again, he won CoY), that record stretches to 95-54-1…in nine seasons.

Jimmy Johnson’s record in nine seasons (including the playoffs)? 89-68.

Yes, both coaches only achieved 2 division titles. And Johnson went to the postseason 6 times compared to Arians’ 4. But again, the HoF committee would have to reckon with Arians’ one “unofficial” year as Indy’s head coach, because that team DID go to the playoffs (where Chuck Pagano resumed head coaching duties). So, technically, Arians went to the playoffs 5 times.

Also, Arians won CoY twice, where Johnson won once. Might not mean much, but every little bit helps.

Therefore Bruce Arians’ career can be summed up here: 95-54-1, 2xCoY, 1xSB winner.

Compared to Johnson: 89-68, 1xCoY, 2xSB winner.

Look, I’m not saying that Bruce Arians SHOULD be in the Hall. My argument is that if you’re gonna put Jimmy Johnson in, you definitely have to put Arians in.

super bowl predictions

I think this will be a pretty good game guys!

Here are my predictions:

Matthew Stafford will throw 11/97 passes for 847 yards along with 11 interceptions and 2 touchdowns (both of which will be called back due to offensive pass interference on a coked-out Sean McVay)

McVay will also throw a controversial coach’s challenge on a 4th and 9 play where Joe Burrow will attempt a QB sneak. Replay will show that Burrow completed the first down.

Final score: 2-0 Bengals (the safety, of course, will come from Matthew Stafford running out of the back of his own end zone due to the curse of the Detroit Lions)

The Bengals will celebrate victory by pouring a Gatorade cooler filled with piping hot Skyline chili onto Zac Taylor.

Take that to the bank!