I’m contractually obligated to complete one story per year. Astute observers will notice that I haven’t come close to completing that objective in 2024. So I’ve decided to set the bar low: this will be a simple stage play. If there is a god in heaven (which there isn’t) then this play will never be produced.

With that said, allow me to introduce Three Scenes in a Boring Ass Apartment by Beau Montana.

SCENE I

In a poorly air conditioned apartment in Jersey City, Don, aged 57, curses the New York Mets for another godawful season from his tattered recliner.

Don: my dick will get hard before I see the Mets in the World Series!

While Don curses baseball, the entire city of New York, and his life’s decisions, his son Drew meanders into the living room to drop his pants and unleash a massive shit onto the carpet below.

Don: Come on Drew! You’re 26 years old. You should be potty trained by now!

Drew: I’m sorry pops. I’m trying my best. I’ll aim for the toilet next time. I promise.

Don regrets his harsh tone with Drew and orders him to his side. He pats his son on the knee to comfort him.

Don: I’m sorry that I have to be tough on you sometimes. But you know your step mother. She’s a total bitch. She’ll have my ass when she finds out you shit on the carpet again.

Moments later, Marlene, aged 49, bursts through the front door to find a large man-sized turd sitting on the floor.

Marlene: Goddamnit Don! When are you going to make your idiot son shit in the toilet?! Do you know how hard it is working my ass off on Broadway only to come back here to this dump of an apartment?! The least you can do is clean up after yourself and not leave literal shit laying on the ground! What are you? Fuckin stupid?!

Don: Marlene, please. Drew didn’t mean to do it. He’s trying his best ya know? We’re all doing our best here.

Marlene: Well your best sucks dick! What happened to you Don? You used to be the toast of this town but now you’re a scummy geezer living in Jersey!

Don: We all know what happened Marlene. No need to keep bringing it up.

Marlene: Nevermind that now. Darlene is coming over for dinner and I need this place looking spotless! So get your ass to work!

Marlene storms out of the living room leaving Don and Drew somewhat speechless.

Don: Come on Drew. We better do what she says.

SCENE II

Don, Drew, and Marlene are joined by Darlene, aged 24, at the dinner table. Darlene speaks in faux, exaggerated southern accent.

Darlene: Oh working with Smitty has been such a delight, mother! I’m so thankful you convinced me to work on Broadway!

Marlene: Smitty is a wonderful director.

Don: Ya know, when I was a director on Broadway, critics loved all the bare titties I’d put on stage. My how times have changed.

Darlene: Yes, but you haven’t directed a production in what? 20 years? I on the other hand am being labeled as the next big starlet by Playbill.

Marlene: You certainly are a wonderful actress Darlene.

Darlene: Of course. If only we can get my lame step brother out of this apartment, we might make something of him yet.

Don: Now you stuff your tongue Darlene. You know how hard life has been for us.

Darlene: Oh spare me, Donald! You can’t keep milking out this sympathy forever. Who wants to waste away in Jersey for the rest of their lives? I’m left dumbfounded as to why mother has shacked up with you! Surely her career isn’t going THAT poorly.

Marlene: My sweet precious daughter, lay off your step father. The creative process is different for everyone. He may have a masterpiece left in him yet.

Drew: I’m not lame!

Darlene: Yes, well, you certainly aren’t as accomplished as everyone else at this table.

Don: Darlene, one more word out of you…

Marlene: Enough of that now! How about we all enjoy a cocktail and a delightful cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory.

SCENE III

Late at night, Don observes Drew sleeping in his bed. He saunters into the bedroom where he finds Marlene lying down and reading a book. Don briefly observes a picture of Drew’s mother before speaking to Marlene.

Don: Thanks for defending me in there.

Marlene: Darlene can get carried away sometimes.

Don climbs into bed to wrap his arms around Marlene. Don slowly begins to fade away into sleep while Marlene focuses on her book.

Don: Sometimes I think you’re the only one who understands the struggles Drew and I have gone through. Maybe Darlene is right. But I don’t care. I did what was best for Drew. I regret nothing. And I’m always amazed by your thoughtfulness and understanding in that.

Marlene: Uh-huh

Don: I love you.

Marlene: That’s what I like to hear.

END